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Silent Pressure
Rylan stood frozen stiff in the hallway, his little sister wrapped tightly in his arms. He felt her tears sink into his shirt, making it damp.
His eyes were wide and teary as he watched his mom grab her suitcase that was filled with everything that reminded him of her, and heading straight for the door. His dad shouted curses at her that bounced off the gray walls of the small home as she turned the doorknob and pushed the door open. She stepped outside, heading for her car. Her blonde hair blowing slightly in the evening breeze of the autumn air.
Rylan broke free of his sister and rushed towards the front door, ignoring his dad’s orders. He just made it past the door and onto the pavement before his mom shut the car door. It was like he'd entered a whole different world. Various sounds filled his ears, like the chirping of the crickets, and the wind blowing through the leaves, making the wind chimes ring.
Rylan stood in shock and despair as she drove away with not a single goodbye. He watched the small red car drive away from the house and down the road, and even farther from him. He stared at the red dot, straining his eyes to see further but she was too far out of sight.
Soon, he felt his dad tug at his arm, pulling him back inside the empty feeling house. The man told him he’d be back in a few hours, but he was smart enough to know his dad never went out late at night. Let alone leaving him and Rachel all by themselves this late at night. Rylan watched as his dad slammed the door shut. A loud bang followed and echoed, leaving the house feeling more emptier than ever before. He slowly turned away from the door to face Rachel who laid on the couch asleep. He knew it was way past the usual time she went to bed. He could say the same for himself.
He was only thirteen at the time, but he knew he’d taken on something no one else he knew of had done at his age.
Rylan blinked, pulling himself out of the old memory that he’d rather forget. He realized he’d been crying. Feeling the two tears slide down his cheek and onto his shirt, making it damp. He quickly wiped it away, drying his hands on the front of his jeans.
He looked down at the cracked concrete steps of his father’s home, remembering himself three years ago standing in the exact spot, looking helpless.
The chilly ocean breeze hit him, blowing his hair into his eyes. The leaves rustled in the wind, the windchimes nearby ringing. Some with high pitched rings and some with low. Hearing the insects buzzing in the distance. This all made Rylan bite the inside of his cheek at the deja vu that hit him like a hurricane. Even the weather was the same, almost as if it was mocking him.
Bits and pieces left the foundation under his worn shoes as he walked up the stairs. He narrowed his eyebrows, suddenly feeling as if his stomach had flipped upside down. He felt a pang of guilt, which came out of the blue. Rylan took a deep breath, resetting himself. He inhaled the scent of the morning dew after a downpour of rain. He pushed past the weird feeling and took hold of the doorknob.
The hinges of the door opened with a creaking sound and slammed behind him by the wind as he entered the run-down home. He walked into the living room and set his bag down on the faded coffee table.
Rylan looked up to see his father standing at the kitchen counter, looking at a previously folded paper in his hands. He knew exactly what the paper had printed on it and just the thought made his heart beat rapidly.
He looked to his sister who glanced up at him at the same time. She smiled warmly and got up to greet him, pulling him into a hug.
She wrapped him in a tight hug and said, “Rylan! I have so much to tell you from school today.”
Rylan simultaneously lifted his arms to wrap them around her. He shifted his eyes from her blue ones to his dad’s glare, that wasn't even directed at him. Yet.
“Not right now. Later though, okay?” He paused, anxiety consuming him. “Could you actually go to your room for me?”
Rachel looked at him, confusion written all over her face. But she quickly obliged, breaking free of his grasp and letting go of her older brother. She turned on her heel to turn off the TV and headed straight to her room with no question about it.
He stood motionless, fear taking over and his nerves becoming jittery. He thought about what his father would say for who knows how long before he was scared back to reality by his fathers words.
“What is this?” His dad asked, lifting his head to look at Rylan who still stood frozen in fear in the living room.
Rylan swallowed hard, wishing the lump in his throat would disappear. But it never did. Instead, he anxiously put one foot in front of the other, forcing himself to walk over to the kitchen counter and face his dad directly.
He passed the gray sagging couch, the faded and worn coffee table, and finally the only new thing in that house; the TV.
His shoes thud at a steady pace against the smooth wooden floors, giving off a hollow sound that echoed through the empty home. His eyes never left the floor boards that were well overdue for a cleaning.
Rylan glanced down at the white countertop, blonde hair falling in his eyes that partially blocked his sight. His report card laid on the kitchen counter containing his disappointing grades. He shifted his gaze to the second paper he hadn’t noticed before. He didn’t get to read it. Not being able to assess what the note had written on it and whether it was bad enough to make his stomach flip and his brain overreact before his thoughts were interrupted once again.
“A 60 percent in math and a 67 in science.” His dad paused for a moment, comprehending how Rylan’s grades had dropped so low. “Plus, a letter saying if you don't shape up, you’ll be held back a year.”
Even though he told himself he wasn’t going to overreact, he couldn’t help it. He felt his stomach drop as if he hit the top of a roller coaster and went soaring down. He shook his mind from the growing nausea and went to think of any excuse besides the truth to back up why his grades had dropped so drastically.
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand. I thought I was doing good.”
Even though he said he didn’t know the exact reason for his low grades, he knew exactly why. But he didn’t say anything for his fathers sake, not wanting to make him feel bad.
“I don’t understand why you're failing, either.” his dad said, keeping his voice stern. “Maybe your ‘good effort’ is not enough.”
A long pause fell upon them, the air becoming heavy, before Rylan spoke again.
“I’ll try harder.” He said, flatly, before walking away and down the hallway to his room.
Rylan entered his dark blue room, passing the twin sized bed. He sat himself down at his desk before looking over at the uncompleted stack of school work sitting beside him on the table. It’d been haunting him for the past few days every time he entered his room. He focused on it for a while, lost in his thoughts. Maybe hoping it would magically disappear, or that the stack of notebooks weren’t real.
All of a sudden, he heard the click of his bedroom door open, making him jump from his seat slightly and scaring him back to the real world where books didn’t just magically disappear.
“Rylan.” Rachel said, the door giving off a creaking sound as she pushed the white painted door open further. “What happened after I left? I heard you talking to dad from down the hall.”
He looked at his sister with a blank expression, thinking of what to say but at the same time to not alarm her or to make her concerned for him. Or regardless of what he’d say, maybe both.
“Nothing, he just wanted to talk to me about…,” he paused, looking away from her and biting his lip. He tilted his head trying to come up with something. “Your upcoming play?”
Rachel entered his room and sat down on the bed. She squinted her eyes at him with disbelief.
“You’re a terrible liar.” She said, “The school play was canceled, and you know that.”
He sighed in defeat, knowing nothing could get past her.
“Fine, he talked to me about my grades. How I’m failing math and science.” He paused, pulling at the collar of his t-shirt. All of a sudden noticing the abrupt change in the room temperature. “Also, how I might be held back.” Rylan muttered the last part, afraid of how his sister would react.
“You need to tell him the truth, Rylan.” Rachel said. “Otherwise, he’ll keep on bothering you about it.”
“Okay.” He said, reluctantly. Then he looked over at the stack of notebooks that still loomed over him. “I’ll try to do it before we go to mom’s this weekend.”
Rachel got up from her spot on the bed and stared at him long and hard. Rylan on the other hand sank in his chair and looked off to the side, suddenly feeling awkward and put on the spot.
“No, you need to do it now. Stop procrastinating it like that stack of homework you won’t complete for a million years and go tell him right now.”
Rylan blanked out at his little sister, wondering when she’d become a mature adult.
When he didn't move, Rachel rolled her eyes and marched over to him, grabbing his arm. She dragged him off his chair, out of his room, and down the narrow hallway.
Rylan stood next to Rachel as they stood side by side in the hallway just out of sight from the living room, and their dad.
He froze, now feeling the butterflies and sick feeling in his stomach he didn’t feel earlier. Feeling the beads of sweat that appeared on his forehead and the palms of his hands in such little time, he knew he shouldn’t be doing this. He wasn’t really good with words, anyway. He also knew he should’ve never let Rachel talk him into this situation.
Lost in his thoughts and blanking out, Rachel gave him a small shove. He jumped at the touch and turned to her. She just raised an eyebrow, wondering why he wasn’t moving.
Rylan turned his back to her and took a deep breath, forcing himself to walk into his dad’s view. He stopped off to the side, not in front of the TV, but well noticeable.
He shifted uncomfortably until his dad looked at him for a quick second, noticing his presents. “Dad, I wanted to,”
But soon after he was cut off. “Did you finish that homework? If you fail, you’re only doing it to yourself.” His dad didn’t even look away from the glowing screen as his hurtful words effortlessly spilled out of his mouth.
Rylan simultaneously clenched his jaw tight and curled his hands into fists, knuckles fading to white.
“No, dad,” Rylan said, with a tone he never knew could come out of him when speaking to his dad. “It’s you. You’re the one who’s making me fail without even realizing it. I have to take care of Rachel all by myself when my only focus should be graduating.” He let silence fall over the two of them, until he spoke his final words. “Is that really too much to ask?”
His dad looked at him like he’d lost his mind yet at the same time knew that Rylan was right.
As his chest rose and fell out of the sudden adrenaline he felt, Rylan just stared at his dad. Waiting for him to say something, anything to break the heavy, suffocating silence that fell over them. But instead, his dad just stared at him, dumbfounded.
He knew he should say something, wished he could say something, but nothing would come out. It’s like he’d lost that tiny bit of courage that he’d been working to build up his entire life. It all felt pointless. Waiting all that time to build up the words and courage that wouldn’t even change anything about his dad’s view of himself.
Then another thought entered his mind. A thought that had been showing up often but he quickly shoved it away to the back of his mind when it did. Was he even right to confront his dad like this, as if he was the adult in the situation? Or was he over reacting about the whole situation?
He soon felt his throat begin to close up. As if someone had their hands around his throat. Soon, came the tears welling in his eyes that dared to fall.
His dad stared at him, observing him, until he opened his mouth as if going to say something, but then Rachel came around the corner cutting him off.
“It’s true, dad.” She started. “Rylan has been working around the clock to take care of me and keep up with his school work.” Rachel then paused, watching her dad’s reaction. “You’re right about how all he should be focusing on is school, working to graduate. But, it makes it hard when he has other priorities he cares about just as much.”
Both him and Rylan froze out of surprise. Her words seemed to startle him just as well as Rylan. It was hard to believe those words came out of a seven year old and not a sixteen year old.
Rylan watched as his dad rose from his spot on the couch. He looked away and back at him several times out of nervousness, not wanting to know what was going to happen next. Rylan slowly closed his eyes the closer his dad approached him until his eyes completely shut. As his eyes shut, a tear fell and slid down his cheek.
He felt as small as an ant at that moment, waiting for something to happen. Maybe something good, like him understanding his situation. But Rylan, assuming the worst, imagined his dad yelling at him, or worse, kicking him out.
But instead, his eyes widened at the embrace, never imagining the situation ever happening; his dad wrapping him in a hug. A genuine one at that.
“I’m sorry, Rylan.” he said, his voice breaking slightly. “I should be the one who’s sorry for putting all that weight on your shoulders for all these years at such a young age.”
His dad stood back and looked at him. Rylan looked back at him astonished. Astonished that Rachel’s stubbornness and perseverance actually worked.
“I’ll try to be here at home more often instead of down at the station.”
He then noticed the tears begin to water in his dad’s eyes. It wasn’t long before Rylan started to get teary eyed, too.
They both pulled each other in for a hug. Rylan rested his chin on his dad's shoulder, smiling to himself. Thinking about how the weight he’d held over his head for so long suddenly lifted and he felt, for the first time in a long time, free.
But behind his tears he saw Rachel standing off to the side smiling back at him, looking proud.
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