The icy palace walls confined me, restraining my breathing like the cage around my heart. His footsteps were deliberate, but heavy as if there were made of lead. I had it all planned. I would tell him I had made my decision, and I would tell him why. Then I would say good bye. It was the concept that I couldn’t seem to grasp, but I knew it had to be done. With him around, I would always regret my decision, and it wouldn’t be fair to Kishan, who I loved. That seemed to be the only reason that kept me from saying otherwise: Kishan.
My arm quivered, affected by the soft touch of his hand, guiding me to my room. My teeth started to chatter with nerves. Ren looked at me with concern in his cobalt eyes. There was something else hidden behind the concern.
“Are you cold?” Ren asked, stepping closer so he was no more than two inches away from me. He pressed his palm against my cheek, and I embraced his warmth. I almost lost myself in his grin, but I remembered that I couldn’t do this anymore, and I certainly couldn’t let him distract me. I was strong enough. Of course, the last time I told myself that, he ended up kissing me anyway. Kishan, Kishan, Kishan, Kishan! I shouted in my head.
I turned my head away from him, and his lopsided grin fell, disappointment now clouding his face. “It’s not me, is it?” he asked quietly.
A tear welled up in my eye, but I blinked it back, ignoring the pain I felt to see him like this. “Look, Ren,” I started. He wouldn’t even look at me, but I knew he was hurting by his slumped shoulders and his arms wrapped himself, holding everything in.
“It wasn’t an easy decision. I love both of you, but what I feel for you is different than what I feel for Kishan,” I said, hoping it would say enough. Ren turned toward me now, and anger had replaced the hurt on his face.
“Different?” he thundered. He stalked closer to me, staring at me with an intensity that forced me to back up to the wall. “You are in love with me. I know you are. You don’t feel the same with him, and you never will. You’re okay with never feeling this way again? Why do you deny your feelings for me?”
He backed up steadily, examining my face. I stared at the bed, avoiding looking at him, avoiding the answer to his question because he was right. He gasped suddenly, trailing off with a half laugh. “Oh, I get it. You’re scared aren’t you? You’re afraid that by letting yourself feel all these things for me will only leave you in pain.”
I lifted my gaze from the bed to his angelic face. His eyes bore into mine, and he whispered quietly, “What makes you think I would ever hurt you?”
Honesty scared me. Opening my heart scared me. With Kishan, it was easy and carefree. I could laugh and feel happy. We rarely fought. With Ren, I was challenged by things I’d never considered. My heart bled feelings I didn’t know existed, and my heart twisted and turned with the emotional tornado that ran through me when he didn’t remember me, didn’t want me. If something like that ever happened again, I wouldn’t survive. Kishan was safe.
“You would leave me!” I shouted, fighting back tears now. “You’d go find some beautiful Indian model and leave me all alone, without looking back.”
Ren was taken aback. I went to move away from the wall, but he was too quick, and he thrust his palms into the wall, blocking me from either side. “We are not done here,” he threatened.
“Kelsey,” he started again. I could see his muscles tighten as he said the next part. “I would never leave you. You are the air I breathe, the blood through my veins, the beat of my heart.”
He took one of my hands and pressed it against his chest. “Do you feel that? Do you feel how heavy it beats? It aches for you, iadala. I ache for you. You have so selfishly starved us by ignoring your true feelings and choosing security over freedom. Simply being near you is no longer enough.” Leaning in closer, he hesitantly planted a soft kiss on my forehead before drawing in a breath and reluctantly pulling away.
I realized that my resolve was crumbling with every word he said, every breath he took. I needed to find a way out before I drowned.
“You want to know the real reason I chose Kishan?!” I shouted.
“Oh, this ought to be good!” Ren exclaimed.
“Because one day, even if you didn’t want to, you would leave to be a hero. I could lose you at any moment, and I can’t go through that again. I already lost you once, and my heart won’t be able to take it.”
Ren’s cold stare remained the same as he said, “Then I am disappointed in you, rajkumari. What you’re saying is that by choosing Kishan, if he ever leaves you will be able to move on, whereas with me you would never feel whole again. Kelsey, how is that fair to him? I know you made him a promise, but you also made me a promise. If that is the real reason, then you should be with me. Love is about taking risks, even when you’re afraid, and you and I both know it is worth every risk for us to be together. Please, let us be together.”
I couldn’t take it. He was tearing down the carefully constructed walls around my heart that took months to build. Why did he have this power over me? How could I let his presence affect me so easily? A part of me knew Ren was right. I wasn’t being fair to Kishan. I needed to be alone so I could think. “Ren, would you please leave?”
He gave a sad sigh before turning to leave, and as he stepped out the door, he said, “You can always come to me, priyatama. I will always be here for you, no matter what life you choose.”
I sat in bed and tried to wrap myself like a mummy. I suddenly wished I had Ren to tuck me in like he did back in Oregon. I went over every detail I could remember about the two brothers and compared them in my head. I also thought about what my future would be like with either of them.
A future with Kishan would mean that I’d always have a reason to smile and laugh. I could picture a couple kids with tan skin and golden eyes running around playing “tiger.” Our relationship would always feel comfortable and secure, and he would always love me. Then I thought about Kishan’s flirtations with Durga. I guess I could understand it. She was gorgeous. The question I asked myself was, “Would I always love him?”
I pictured the house in Oregon that Mr. Kadam had bought me, and I thought about the house right next to it. Those two houses would always be connected, very much like the residents inside: Ren and me. It didn’t matter what came between us. We would always find a way to overcome the obstacle. This time it wasn’t Lokesh or hours of the day that came between us. It was me. I knew who I needed to choose now. The answer was with me from the beginning back when I first got my job at the circus. It was Ren, and it would always be Ren.