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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

Emma.H.96 DIAMOND said...
on Apr. 25 2010 at 6:57 pm
Emma.H.96 DIAMOND, Kalamazoo, Michigan
65 articles 0 photos 67 comments

Favorite Quote:
You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should&#039;ve behaved better. -Anne Lamott, from Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life.

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LOL! JACOB IS ALL MINE, i WILL SHOOT!
Emma.H.96 DIAMOND said...
on Apr. 25 2010 at 6:56 pm
Emma.H.96 DIAMOND, Kalamazoo, Michigan
65 articles 0 photos 67 comments

Favorite Quote:
You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should&#039;ve behaved better. -Anne Lamott, from Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life.

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OMG! Jacob is allllll mine, back away!!!! I WILL SHOOT!!! LOL!
plathfan said...
on Apr. 25 2010 at 4:01 pm
This has got to be one of the better things i've read about twilight.  This is awesome!!!!!
Jessica521 said...
on Apr. 24 2010 at 2:25 pm
Jessica521, Houston, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
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You are a genius to think of something like this!! It is so funny and so much better than the thousands of pages between the covers. This made my day. 
Bellabeena said...
on Apr. 24 2010 at 6:15 am

i AM A BIG FAN OF TWILIGHT  but that was the most funniest thing i have read, great job!

 

katniss SILVER said...
on Apr. 23 2010 at 11:39 pm
katniss SILVER, Bloomington, Indiana
6 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
Did you eat my socks

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That was freaking awesome!
loveypink BRONZE said...
on Apr. 23 2010 at 7:30 pm
loveypink BRONZE, Bronx, New York
1 article 0 photos 2 comments
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ha................ that was funny
Lonleydandy said...
on Apr. 23 2010 at 7:15 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Just finished reading the books, and this is HILARIOUS. I'll tell you what I think in a few days when I stop LAUGHING!!!!!!!Fantastic!
We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Apr. 22 2010 at 8:50 pm
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.<br /> <br /> Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn&#039;t have any rings

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that was one of the funniest insults to Twilight ever.
We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Apr. 22 2010 at 8:49 pm
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.<br /> <br /> Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn&#039;t have any rings

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I will reply when I finish laughing.
. said...
on Apr. 22 2010 at 7:10 pm
i totally hate twilight, but i thought this was hilarious!
ZebraWithoutStripes ELITE said...
on Apr. 22 2010 at 3:28 pm
ZebraWithoutStripes ELITE, Blue Springs, Missouri
102 articles 8 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
To make a difference in the world, you have to be different from the world.

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haha this is awesome!! :D i totally wanna make this movie for like youtube!!
fiction77 BRONZE said...
on Apr. 21 2010 at 3:24 pm
fiction77 BRONZE, St. John&#39s, Other
2 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I&rsquo;ve seen since I sued the end of the movie &ldquo;The Never Ending Story.&rdquo;

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HEYY I LOVE TWILIGHT AND FIND THIS REALLY OFFENSIVE!!!!

Just kidding it was hilarious and I hate all the hype over the series.

twilightsucks said...
on Apr. 20 2010 at 8:45 pm
Haha that was great!
COURTneyyy27 SILVER said...
on Apr. 20 2010 at 7:27 pm
COURTneyyy27 SILVER, Boise, Idaho
5 articles 6 photos 25 comments
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Oh my gosh this was HILARIOUS! You did a very good job summarizing all the books. Kudos to you! :) I was obsessed with those books at one point...now I don't see how I did it! LOVE THIS!!
JessieB SILVER said...
on Apr. 20 2010 at 4:20 pm
JessieB SILVER, Elkton, Maryland
7 articles 1 photo 102 comments

Favorite Quote:
an eye for an eye, and the whole world goes blind~Ghandi

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haha I love this! I was literally laughing while reading this to my friends. Bravo. Bravo(:
BlondeOnBlonde . said...
on Apr. 20 2010 at 3:49 pm
BlondeOnBlonde ., Kissimmee, Florida
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments
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NFW! I LOVE THIS ARTICLE SOOOO FUNNY KINDA LIKE THE SPINN OFF OF THE BOOKS BY THE HARVARD JOURNALS.
BryannaJ. GOLD said...
on Apr. 20 2010 at 1:50 pm
BryannaJ. GOLD, Glendale, Arizona
13 articles 2 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don&#039;t, they never were.&quot;<br /> <br /> <br /> -Anon.<br /> &quot;What is a Code Blue?!&quot; <br /> <br /> <br /> - Mr. Crepsley (Cirque Du Freak: Vampire&#039;s Assistant The Movie)

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Lol very funny! What made you come up with this?

 

fusrodahsaraaa GOLD said...
on Apr. 20 2010 at 12:06 am
fusrodahsaraaa GOLD, Albany, Other
16 articles 5 photos 47 comments
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OMG i laughed so hard i cried. Nice, it makes Twilight seem a whole lot funnier.... :)
thelastclarissa GOLD said...
on Apr. 18 2010 at 12:40 pm
thelastclarissa GOLD, Worcester, Massachusetts
16 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. &quot;

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hah. so funny! i like twilight, but it has some seriously ridiculous stuff in it... =)