“I lost myself a long time ago.” Those were the last words Serafina wrote on her Facebook before her suicide.

I playing in a football game in Seattle when it happened. Ten days later and it felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly in the same spot every time I walked back into the place where I abandoned her. 

Exiting my car, I trudged toward the memorial situated next to the main entrance of school, set up by teachers who loved Sera. In one arm, I carried her favorite flowers, calla lilies. I rearranged some of the candles before I set the bouquet down. I gazed at the picture of her. Sera always looked better in person because she would be genuinely happy. Her glistening, blue orbs and smile with those dimples were always adorable. Like a DVD player on rewind, my memories of her came to mind nonstop. Sometimes during my first year, I would pass by and find her reading teen fiction or romance, her favorite genres, like the bookworm she is. I snapped out of my daze when I heard someone approaching me from behind. It was just Dexter, another jock.

“Hey, Carson, what are you doing?” he asked, staring at the flowers I just put down. “Aren’t you glad that nuisance is finally dead? She can’t bother you anymore. She should’ve died a long time ago from depression, if not anorexia,” he said as if it was nothing.

“Shut up! You don’t know a thing about Sera! She put up with all of you guys bullying her and you guys were the ones who destroyed her!” I yelled, throwing a punch at him, which caused him to stumble back. 

“What the hell man!” He hissed, touching his lip only to feel blood. “You’re more at fault than we are. You said it yourself in the locker room. You wished that she’d stop bothering you. You felt embarrassed by her; did you not? Where were you when people bullied and humiliated her? You, as her best friend, should have been there!” He punched me back and I fell to the floor. My jaw throbbing, I got up and grabbed him by his shirt collar.

Anger boiled inside me because I knew he was right.
Before I could throw another punch, a familiar voice shouted,” Stop!”

It was Mr. Johnson, the teacher Sera used to help. I released my hold on Dexter.

“Show’s over,” he announced to the few bystanders I just realized were present.

 He turned back to face us.

“Dexter, do you want to be suspended for another fight?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, sir,” Dexter replied, staring at his feet.

“Go to the nurse while I have a word with Carson,” Mr. Johnson said sternly, before signalling for me to follow him.

“Mr. Johnson, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to start a fight,” I apologized, following him down the hallway to his office and taking a seat.

“Last month Sera said some weird things about you. I recall her saying something along the lines of,’ He makes me happy but he deserves someone better.’ I don’t know what happened between you two but she just looked so dead,” he said, closing the door and taking a seat in his swivelling chair.

There was a calming silence in the room as he stared at me intently before speaking again.

“I’m not going to pry or ask about what happened between you and Sera but I don’t think she would appreciate you getting into fights. I’ll let it go just this once,” he scolded. “Now, back to the important things. I’m not sure if Sera intended to give this to you or not but it was left on my desk, addressed to you and I found a note she wrote as well,” he said before turning around and grabbing a white envelope with my name across the middle in Sera’s neat penmanship.

He handed me the envelope before leaving the room. I carefully peeled off the tape and removed the neatly folded letter and a sticky note.

The note said,”I’m like the rain. I can be caught by someone but once they’re done using me, I’m thrown aside.”

Sera loved to write inspirational quotes like this.

My eyes stung and the stabbing feeling returned. I felt the dam beneath my eyes break. I unfolded the letter that was also neatly written.

‘Dear Car,
It’s been a while since we’ve become friends. When I realized I was in love with you, it was already too late. You stopped talking to me after becoming a football player and I don’t blame you. I mean, who would want to talk to someone like me. You belong with the popular crowd. I’m no good for you. I don’t think we should’ve ever been friends but for once I felt loved. You know the history of abuse with my dad after mom died. Thank you for the love and care. I never hated you, even when you ignored me. When I was with you, it felt nice because I lost myself. I lost the abuse and bullying. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Carson, I still love you. I hope that if there is an afterlife, we can meet again.
                                                            Forever yours,                                                                         Sera'

“Sera, I love you too. I’m sorry,” I cried harder and it hurt. It pained me to know that the person you thought would hate you never stopped loving you and I never formally asked her to be mine.