The Lawnmower Conspiracy | Teen Ink

The Lawnmower Conspiracy

June 10, 2013
By JonMB SILVER, Northville, Michigan
JonMB SILVER, Northville, Michigan
5 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You cannot lie to the forest." -Olan Rogers


“No, I didn’t get the job. But don’t fret! It’s all in God’s plan,” John told his wife.
“I guess. I guess you’re right,” and with that his wife walked away, but under her breath could be heard, “And God hasn’t planned very much for you in about eight months.”
-----

The next day, John’s wife came downstairs yammering to herself about the work to be done starting tomorrow. She then gave a shout, trying to reach John in whatever corner of the house he was holed up in, “Don’t forget to mow the grass today, John. The neighbors won’t tolerate it much longer.”

John snorted derisively and called back with a, “Who cares? If God wanted the grass to be cut, he would have given the world lawn mowers long before humans came around.”

And with that John’s wife went off to work, while John spent his Friday watching the news and napping in his underwear.
-----

Two weeks later, John had been denied at two more job interviews and a new letter had just come in the mail, addressed from the city. His wife brought the mail into the kitchen and put it down onto the counter. John was sitting nearby; he was garbed in a brown bathrobe and a newly fashioned bushy brown beard. His wife began to open up the mail and she scoffed with disgust when she read the city’s letter.

“As we told you in our last letter, we will now send a city contracted lawn service to mow your grass and will then send you the bill,” she read aloud horrified. “WE’VE GOTTEN ONE OF THESE BEFORE?”

“Course we did. I didn’t pay much mind,” John replied a bit absent-mindedly.

“And why not?”

“Well, it’s from the city. Ain’t it? Now, if it was signed: The Lord or The Messiah, that’s a different story,” he walked over to her. “Honey, we don’t have to worry about worldly things. I’ll mow our lawn in Heaven.”

“Whatever. Why the hell are you still growing a beard?”

John patted her arm, “They were good enough for Jesus, honey.”
----

The next day, John awoke to a bedside note that went,
God’s plan has me leaving you.
-Your Divorcee
John looked up and said to no one in particular, “God was always telling me, she was a b****.”



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This article has 2 comments.


CjLinds BRONZE said...
on Oct. 13 2013 at 10:13 am
CjLinds BRONZE, Springfield, Massachusetts
4 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Dont cry because it's over, smile because it happened." - Dr. Suess

Wow, this was great. I really enjoyed it!

on Jul. 4 2013 at 2:20 pm
LexusMarie PLATINUM, Las Cruces, New Mexico
27 articles 0 photos 423 comments

Favorite Quote:
The more control you have over yourself, the less control others have over you.

Hello! Hahaha! I love this so much! I don't really know what else to say, the comedy is great. And I love the relationship between the husband and wife, as she goes to work he is just lounging in his underwear and he is so carefree. And even as the wife repeats things and gets angry, he gets less concerned. I really enjoyed it. The husband's excuses are greeeeat! If only the wife were a little liberal, eh? The ending was priceless! It's so nice to read more work from you!