I had just rested my head on my pillow to get some sleep when I heard something tapping against the window. I sat up and made a small crack in the blinds. I carefully peered through to see James, shivering in the cold. I quickly opened the window and helped him climb inside.

“James, What in the hell are you doing here?!” I asked as he panted, trying to catch his breath

“It’s my parents, man! They’re fightin’ again and I-I had to get out of there!” He looked about ready to cry! I pulled him closer to me.

“Hey, c’mon, You can’t let ‘em get to ya,” I said, trying to calm him down. “Why didn’t you go to Nick’s?”

“I didn’t know where to go. I’m sorry I came over so late, Dove,” He told me that his parents were arguing over money and that it had gotten physical again. They often argued and, having no one at home, he found comfort with the group and despised staying at his house. His parents were both very tall and very muscular. He got beatings practically every day from them since they were always drunk. If his father wasn’t whipping him with a belt, his mother was beating him with whatever she could get her hands on. Well, if they weren’t already beating each other up in front of him. They were always yelling so loud, you could hear them all the way down at our house! James would usually stay at Nick’s house, next door, since he lived alone with his fiance, Bell. Bell was ravishing and Nick definetly thought so, too. She had fair skin, a perfectly shaped face, black hair paired with big green eyes, and a slim figure that made her look taller than she was. I had always been close to her and we watched out for each other (and the rest of the group, too.) She took care of me and I took care of her. On weekends, I’d go over and help her with dishes or other chores since, because of her leg, she couldn’t get around much. She had a limp caused by an accident where a boy slammed her down the stairs when she was in elementary school. From then on, she’d have to use a cane. I felt bad for James. He was my best friend and I hated to see the bruises his drunk parents left on themselves and him. They just seemed to hate each other, and apparently, their own son. We laid there and eventually fell asleep in my murky, bleak room. Why did they always come to me with an issue? Especially Adam who had plenty of them and talked to me like I was his personal shrink.

Adam’s the drinker, and the “funny” one, the wisecracker who always gets himself into trouble, Nick’s the older brother figure, the only one of us with his head screwed on right,  and Jack was the resilient, “I’ll kick your ass if you say that again!, one. James and I, we were the babies, or “pets” of our little social group. And that was us! Just the six of us! I was a part of a brotherhood! We’d always hang out together ever since we were little. Always causing mischief and mayhem.

The boys would sit and smoke while I listened to them talk about girls or something, ruining my many attempts to read. If we were ever caught by police, they’d ‘ve been trawled to jail for all the illegal shit they’d do. James and I would probably have been taken to an orphanage. There’s no way we’d let them take us away from our brothers! Being the youngest, and the only girl besides Bell had its favors. I wasn’t expected to smoke, or drink, or steal, they just expected me to read, be there, and be a friend. They still cared for me even though I was inaudible most of the time. To us, our group was the only thing that mattered. To the rest of the world, we were just hoodlums. White Trash.

James shifted in his sleep while I was lost in thought, startling me. I looked at him and I wondered, ‘Did he wish his parents were dead?’ He’s only fifteen, he shouldn’t lose his parents that young. No one should. Not like I did. My parents, they’d passed years ago. I’d lived with my brother, Jack, ever since. Because it was technically illegal for Jack to be my legal guardian at seventeen, we tried to keep a low profile and stay out of trouble. Especially at school where rumors spread faster than the damn plague!

Despite our three-and a half year age gap, Jack and I looked like twins. The same white- blonde hair, the same cold, ice-blue eyes, and the same pale skin made us look almost like clones. We were close, probably the closest pair out of our entire group next to James and Nick. Sometimes, he’d ask me if I wanted a smoke or a Jack Daniel’s from the Liquor store down the road. He wasn’t the best influence on me. I’d look up from my book or my homework and just just shake my head. He’d shrug and head out with Adam and I’d grin and turn back to whatever I was doing.

Whenever Jack pissed me off or Adam was pissing him off, I’d get James and we’d go to Nick’s. Nick was twenty one and controlled the rest of us. Kept us in order. Adam was a seventeen year old with silver-blond hair and greyish-green eyes who’d often annoy the crap out of Nick with his “humor”. He didn’t seem to care that Nick had enough muscle to punch him across the room with little effort.

Nick took care of himself. Tamed his black hair, washed his face, worked out every day, and kept himself clean and trim. He and my brother worked at the convenience store by my old elementary school.

James shifted again. I held my breath, trying not to wake him up. He looked similar to Nick, just… smaller and malnourished. I’ll often ask myself how I became a friend of theirs in the first place and it will come to me while I’m sitting on the front porch in the cool air. My brother was friends with Adam and Nick from the start. When I turned five, I became Jack’s tagalong. At night, when our parents were asleep, he’d drag me to the park where we’d meet up with the boys. I’d usually play with James since he was the only person around my age there. Then, we’d all go home.

One night, when I was seven, we had snuck out of the house to play at the park again. Everything was going fine. Then it came time for us to head home. We all walked back to my house and Jack and I crawled in through the open window. We went to check if our parents were still asleep. I, at first, thought everything was fine. I guess I was too young to realize.

Then I heard Jack scream. He ran over to Mom and started to shake her vigorously. I didn’t understand what he was doing! He was screaming, and crying, and calling out for Mom and Dad. I looked closer. I froze at what I saw through the dark.

The bloody corpses of my parents, covered in stab wounds. And a horrifying expression plastered on both of their faces. I couldn’t move. I just stood there, listening to his sobs. Apparently, the guys had heard Jack’s screaming  too ‘cause moments later, Nick was carrying me out into the hall where he called 9-1-1. There was something off about his story, though. He lied. He told the police we were all friends staying the night next door when we heard screaming. Everyone said the same thing, even his parents who knew the entire story and wanted to protect us from being taken away, except for James and I. James didn’t talk, and I just cried. That night, Jack broke. He wasn’t always the tough, mean one. He was kind, and smart, and loving. It’s scary how loss can change a person’s life entirely. Police thought their kids went missing. They couldn’t ‘ve been more wrong. Nick and his parents took care of us for a long time ‘till Jack decided we should move into our old home since no one was gonna buy it after what happened there. When Jack turned fifteen, he got a job to help pay for the house. Nick helped out a lot too. We’d be in homes if it weren’t for his family.

I thought about my parents as I fell asleep that night. Why not me?

“Hey, get up Dove,” James nudges me awake. I sat up and yawned.

“Mornin’,” I said as I stretched my arms up. “Ya feelin’ any better?”

“Yeah.” James nodded. I got out of bed and walked to the door. James followed. I opened the door and wiped the sleep from my eyes as I walked into the kitchen. I pulled out the eggs and cracked two into a frying pan on the stove. Then I popped two slices of bread into the toaster.

As I was cooking, Jack walked out of the bathroom. Toothbrush in his mouth, he elbowed  me in the shoulder.

“Hey!” I shouted as I gave him an angry grin. He laughed and spit dripped out of his mouth.

  “Gross!” James chuckled as I tossed a rag at Jack. Jack went back into the bathroom, wiping his chin. I rolled my eyes and handed James a plate of toast and scrambled eggs. Jack walked out in his work uniform.

“Morning,” I said turning around to look at him. He walked up and put his hand on the table.

“Hey, I have to work late again tonight. So you’re gonna stay with Nick once he gets home,” He said looking at me with his “I’m sorry” expression.

“But… I thought you said you wouldn’t have to anymore,” I said, sadly.

“I know. But I’ve gotta do this for Nick. He’d have to work late again if I don’t,” He bent down beside me. I knew we owed him for everything he’d done.

“Well, do I have to go to Nick’s?” I asked.

“Yes!” He looked at me like I had asked the dumbest question on the planet.

“Seriously? I’m almost fourteen now!”

“I’m not gonna let you stay home alone!” I glared at him as he stood up. He sighed and turned to James.

“What about you, huh? Can you stay with her?” James looked up at him,  surprised.

“Sure.”

“Good man! You two be safe, go to Nick’s if anything happens, no funny business, love you, Dove, bye!” Jack ran out the door and the sound of crunching gravel could be heard as he drove off.

“Okay, let’s get outta here!” I said.

“Your brother told us to stay here,” James always did what he was told. This often came as a default in times of bad decision making. He was very gullible. Often, the group would have to talk him out of doing something stupid. He wasn’t dumb, just slow and shattered.

“No,” I said, beaming. “He said we have to stay together.” I walked into my room to get dressed. I slipped into a normal blue shirt, and some jeans then threw on a dark blue jacket. Then I went to the bathroom and pulled my hair up into a ponytail, examining my face in the mirror. I hated my face. Pale with dark freckles around my eyes. I thought my freckles looked dumb. I realized that James was wearing the same clothes he had slept in. Who knows how long he had been in them?! I entered my brother’s room and picked out some clothes for James to wear. A white T-shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans with a hole in the knee.

“Here. Get changed,” I said, tossing him the wadded up clothing. While I waited for James to come out of the bathroom, I stuffed my backpack for our summer adventure. I grabbed two bottles of water and placed them in my bag next to my pocket knife and emergency flashlight that also worked as an SOS signal.

“Ready?” I asked James as he walked out. I laughed noticing that my brother’s clothes were a bit too big on him. He stuck his tongue out at me.

“Well… ya don’t look bad!” I said, smiling. He didn’t respond and, after an awkward moment of silence,  we headed out, letting the screen door slam behind us.

“Alright Captain, where are we off to?” James asked marching behind me. I pulled out an old, decaying map covered in markings and held it in front of me.

“Hmm… how about… the old wishing well!” I said enthusiastically pointing at a circled location on the map. While we walked, I noticed the changing leaves. Some were turning yellow and brown. August would soon be coming to and end, and along with it, Summer. Then Fall would come around, and then Winter, then Spring. Then it would start all over again. It’s almost like the Earth can go back in time whenever it wants, but people can’t.

For us, nothing ever stays. And sometimes, nothing ever comes back. When someone dies, they don’t just come back. And if they do, they come back as something entirely new. What is “nothing”? Is it like looking at black or white emptiness? But if it’s black or white, doesn’t that mean it’s not empty? Is nothing… grey? No! Grey is something! Blind people see nothing. So they don’t see darkness, they see nothing! My head was spinning! I felt like the Mad Hatter, sitting and waiting for Alice to arrive for the celebration of a Very Merry Young Birthday!

“I think we have to go up there,” James said, breaking my thought. He was pointing up a narrow hiking trail that led up a small mountain. I looked at the map to confirm and nodded. We began our hike up the side of the mountain in a line since the path was too small to stand side by side.

After an hour of hiking up the steep trail, we finally made it to the well.

“Welp, we can check this spot off the map!” I said, taking a breath.

“Yeah. Let’s take a break before we head back,” James responded, grabbing the water bottles out of my backpack. We sat in front of the well on the muddy ground and basked in the warm rays of sun peeking through the tops of the trees feeling accomplished. The chirping birds made the wild forest music a tune to remember. When we were rested up, we decided to head back down. This proved to be even harder than going up.

The trail was so steep we practically slid the entire way down. We thankfully reached the bottom with only a few cuts and scraped scattered here and there. Plus mud covered clothes. I looked at the setting sun to check the time.

“Hey, Nick should be home. Wanna go over and bother him?” I asked mischievously.

“You mean raid his bookshelves?” James replied raising an eyebrow.

I smiled.

“You know me well, James!” We walked back to my street and went to Nick’s house.

“Nick? Ya home?” James called, opening the front door. Nick poked his head out from the kitchen. I guessed that Bell was still working.

“Yeah! In here!” I set my bag on the couch and followed James over to Nick.

“Hey you two!” Nick said happily as he put his hand on James’ head. He ruffled his hair and James pulled away briskly, leaving Nick laughing. I rolled my eyes at their silly foolishness.

“So, the big brother finally let you stay home alone during an after hour, huh?” Nick asked, turning back to the dish filled sink. I smiled when I saw that he was wearing Bell’s old, yellow, floral print apron.

“Somewhat. He said that as long as James stuck around, he was fine with it,” I replied, leaning myself against the kitchen entryway. He nodded to himself as he put another plate onto the drying rack.

“Need any help?” I asked.

“Nah. I’m almost done here,” He replied looking up at me. Then at James. “So how’ve you been, little buddy?” James looked up.

“Y’know. Same as usual.” He answered. His eyes seemed so… empty. He always looked like a sad, helpless kitten when his parents argued. I could tell he was lost. Somewhere else. I wondered if I had ever looked that way. When Nick got a good look at our clothes and scratches, he about dropped a bowl on the floor.

“You two are caked in mud! What the hell were y’all doin’?” He grabbed James’ arm and dragged him into the back bedroom. I stood there awkwardly like I was at a friend’s house while their parents were angry with them. A couple minutes of yelling and arguing later, Nick walked back into the kitchen.

“Dove, go next door and change. Then come back over.” He said folding his arms in a frustrated manner. I decided it was best not to give him any back-talk and went home to change. Or, I pretended to change. I actually just wiped all the mud off with a washcloth and ran back next door.

I walked in to find James sitting on the couch. This time, in Nick’s clothes… which… were...huge on him! He scowled as I laughed at how the flannel shirt was about swallowing him whole. I stopped making fun of him and sat down, leaning my elbow on his shoulder. I smiled as an idea popped into my head. I turned to look at him.

“Come here often?” I asked jokingly while giggling under my breath. He tried to look angry but I could tell he was trying not to laugh, too. While we smiled at how stupid we both were, the sound of metal crashing to the floor came from the basement. I jumped up in surprise, as did James. We looked at each other in terror before I called out for Nick.

“Nick! Are you okay?” I yelled, worried he had gotten hurt.

“Yeah! I’m okay kid! Just- somethin’ fell! I’ll be up in a sec!” His answer gave me a reassuring feeling and I sighed in relief. James and I sat back down and waited in silence until Nick stomped back upstairs. Thankfully, he didn’t notice that I still looked a mess.

“Alright. Sorry about that!” he said sitting on the arm of the couch.

“Dove, your birthday is in a couple ‘ve weeks, right?”

“Yeah,” I replied, folding my arms.

“Well,” he paused. “I found this at a garage sale and I thought you could do somethin’ with it.” He handed me a polaroid camera. A Silver, 1963 Land Model 100.

“Holy shit!” I exclaimed in excitement. “Why would someone throw this out? These are usually expensive!”

“Is it? I just thought it looked cool.” Nick said, raising an eyebrow and scratching his head the way James did.

“Sounds like you! Thanks, Nick.” I smiled with gratitude. Then, something felt wrong. I felt my heart start racing and my body go completely numb. I grew dizzier and dizzier and I felt weak, feeling my heart beat practically through my shirt. I stood up and my feet almost slipped out from under me. My legs felt like gelatin as I struggled to breath and felt my face grow hot.

“Dove? You okay?” James asked as he stood up to try and help me regain my balance. Everything was blurry. Nick rose to his feet and stood next to James looking concerned.

“Yeah. I… just-” Everything was black. I could faintly make out the sounds of shouting and sirens as everything shifted in and out of focus. I saw the blurred image of Nick’s face. He was screaming at me, but I couldn’t hear it. My eyes closed again and my body relaxed. Everything went silent.