I am filled with the inescapable feeling of being trapped
when I think of you,
a temporary source of relief
from the pain of being blue.
It has all been done before.
The falling the kisses the adrenaline the confusion.
I feel fueled when a thing or two goes right
but a wrong word or one-sided feeling has the sensation of a knife.
Do I love you because of revenge?
The urge to find a way back into my past,
the past everyone has forced me to so quickly forget about.
How am I supposed to push my first love so far behind
that I must climb the depths of my happy memories to remember
the way you talked you walked you smelled you ran.
The way you blinded me to the point of a narcotic.
You drugged me.
You stole my everything and I will not look into your crazy blue eyes because I now know the lies you had to tell to take my innocence like a prize.
I often wonder what goes on in your head.
What did your passionately psychotic mind tell you as you
held me on your bare chest?
Did you ever love me?
Because I cannot forget the way you loved me.
It was a game to you.
A nasty sweaty  bloodthirsty game that you won.
My happy days are still strained with darkness from your evil heart,
the evil heart that tore me apart.
So do I want  your best friend because he’s a way back to you,
back to your laughter your grin your fire.
So I cannot deny it that I hate you and maybe
you will burn in hell for what you did to me,
but I still cannot shake the devilish spell you placed upon my perspective.
I cannot search anymore.
Behind a dumpster I left it all for you to take.
You enjoy trash in an awful way.
How can I imagine someone who will love me
when you spit on me and my name and my ability to trust.
So I am left looking to him.
I refuse.
I must trust the only One I can trust.
The only One who does not depend on lust.