I close the curtains.
My eyes land on a picture frame,
as if reminding me everything I’ve done to come here.
Inside the frame is a picture of me.
With a white graduation gown on,
I look invincible.
I look hopeful.
I stare at my reflection on the frame screen and wonder.
If my high school self saw me right now, what would she think?
If my college self saw me right now, what would she think?
Is becoming a doctor really what I want?
Am I happy?
I am in doubt.
I am unsure.
Will my sacrifices be worth it?

Coffees and books are all over my desk.
The sound of my fingertips hitting the keyboard and the ticking of the clock fill my room.
With every tick, my anxiety grows.
My heart beat increases every time.
My fingers move faster.
My eyebrows furrow.
Can I finish it on time?
What if I don’t finish?
Twenty-four hours doesn’t seem enough.
I want to freeze the time.
But it keeps on going.
I bitterly laugh.
Of course it won’t stop.
What was I thinking?
I must be out of my mind.
Then, a sudden thought hits me.
My life would be so much easier if I gave up on my dream.
Should I give up?
Should I choose another path? I wonder.
If I keep on fighting,
Is it going to be worth it in the end?

I feel someone softly tapping on my shoulders.
My arms are sore and my eyes are blurry.
Rubbing my eyes, I turn around.
Hovering over me is my roommate.
Sue, she says with a worried expression on her face.
You fell asleep last night.
I know by her facial expression that I’m almost late to class.
Ignoring her, I run straight into the bathroom.
I pop in my contacts.
I untangle my hair and wash my face at the same time.
My fingers have it memorized.
My fingers move swiftly in and out of my hair,
my free hand splashing water onto my face.
This is obviously not the first time it happened.
It’s a cycle every week.
I’m always late to class.
I run to my closet and put on the first thing I see.
Grabbing my bag, I sprint outside to catch the bus.
I am tired of getting chased by time every day and night.
I think to myself,
Will all of this be worth it in the end?

I know what it takes to turn my dream into reality.
A diamond needs to be bruted before it can shine.
It goes the same for my dream.
I wonder how I survived the first two years of medical school.
It went by so fast.
Everyday was a copy of the day before,
studying and studying until I fell asleep on my desk.
I worry about how I’m going to survive two more years of this.
I dread what is coming after graduation.
Residency.
Then fellowship.
Over ten years of training in total.
It’s a rocky road of emotional, mental, and physical struggles.
Ten years filled with comparisons with other friends.
Weddings and baby showers compared to late night studies,
their wide smiles compared to my bloodshot eyes and calloused fingertips.
At times, I’m going to be envious of their lives.
But I’m going to keep on going.
I won’t stop studying.
Not until the day I will finally stop wondering,
Will everything I gave up be worth it in the end?

Deep inside my heart, I know the answer to the question.
I’ve always known.
The answer to the question I’ve been asking my whole life.
Becoming a doctor will be worth
the pain,
the time,
and the sacrifices I made.
One day, I will reach the dream I’ve been striving for so long.
I know that one day, I will look at my graduation photo and smile
about how foolish I was to question myself,
Will my sacrifices going to be worth it in the end?