I guese the whole hell thing was never a problem in my family. I was raised beliving that when I died I was going to heaven.....

I was going to heaven becasue I accpted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Not throught works or anything, cause what good deed can a seven year old do?

But if someone would of told me that I was going to be living the life I am now.....I would of called them crazzy!

I had a breif run in with the computer, the devil lost though cause I stopped watching you-tube secretly.

But now.....I'm right back to square one.

My belife in God the heavingly father and creator of all, has been shaken over the past few years. Not like God desearves my dis-belife.

But dis-belife, was never the problem with me. See I know God is real. I know he loves me, know he died for me.

Yet......I don't have a good relasanship with him. He's like a freind I hold off at a distance. He's the clingy boyfreind you want away from you.

I belive in God, really I do.

Just somtimes it seems like God does a bad job of running the world. Now I'm not saying I, could do better cause. I couldent.

But I just wanna meet God and ask WHY ME?

I'm sure God could give a beatiful three hour reason for why he gave me the sufferings he did. He could make it all seem like a teaching and learning trip.

And then I'd be like..."okay if you say so God." And I'd write of my sufferings as part of a grander and beatifull plan. But sadly....

Me and God havent met up in a coffee shop lately.

And prayer was never really my thing, I mean, I tried. I really did. The whole get on you're knees and pour out you're soul to the Lord thing.

But it didn't feel. sureal I guese.

So I began writing God letters. Short one's Long one's one of LOVE and one's of HATE.

And that seemed to work out better for me......but still it wasn't the GOD-HUMAN relasanship I wanted.

But i figure this is as close as I'll ever get.

I do a christian school work book, so I am constintly reading the bible and memorizing verses. But it's still not enough.

Heaven sounds great to me.....and I hope that I can figure this life stuff out and get right with God..