When I think about my heart
I do not think of valentines and rosy cheeks and cartoon shapes
Nothing like the warm glow of flowers and rainbows
portrayed on tv
I think of black holes.
No room for goodness or light or joy,
too dense for any sliver of hope
but it can still suck me in.
It can still suck me into its abyss of lonely hours
and pointless realities.
Its gravitational pull holds on to me like shackles
while the gravity keeps me grounded,
it grounds me in the dark.
While I cannot see out,
I fear that others can see in.
That my skin is stretched too thin
it becomes transparent
and everyone can see my empty and dark insides.
These shackles turn to shadows
the black demon of my depression
distracts with its tempting lies
and unstable, painful truths.
The gravity switches off
leaving me to my own mess;
but I stay grounded in the blackness
not having noticed that the shackles are gone
and I could float away at any moment.
The shadows linger, keeping my thoughts fuzzy
distracted in the worst way.
As I fight these demons away,
I notice where I am,
and a thought strikes me like a lightning bolt.
I’ve been trying to solve the black hole in my heart
When the true root is in my head.
and in that moment
with a second of clarity
I realize I’ve spent my whole life
fiddling with a complicated combination
only to discover I’ve been toying with the wrong lock.