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you pierced my soul but why
July 7, 2015
You pierced my heart
Then you pierced my soul
You drove a steak through my lungs
then you drove steak through my hope
Some notice I'm broken
I'm falling to pieces
But they made their mistake
They believed I was fine
Some make the mistake
Of not noticing at all
And I made the mistake
Believed it would stop
I see you at school
One innocent child
Then the next
You never bother the others
Because you can only
Handle the small
A cat will chase the bird
That tries to fly to flee
But a cat will ignore
The dog that stands tall
I do not have that bravery
So I live in pain
But you don't care at all
You offer blow after blow
Time after time
But may I ask you this?
Why?
© Alicia R., Marblehead, MA
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 15 comments.
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER said...
on Nov. 18 2015 at 11:41 pm
Thanks for the comment! I wrote this when I was just getting started on poetry, I have written a few better ones since. God bless you too! And thanks again for commenting.
writer-violist DIAMOND said...
on Nov. 18 2015 at 10:58 am
This is really good. I like the figurative language and all the details you added. I would say to keep in mind where you put capital letters on the first of the last two lines on the first stanza. This is awesome! Please keep writing and God bless! :_)
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER said...
on Oct. 26 2015 at 12:29 pm
Sounds cool, thanks for commenting.
BabySnickers15 SILVER said...
on Oct. 26 2015 at 7:50 am
That is interesting. I really like it we should Collab sometime
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER said...
on Sep. 2 2015 at 6:10 pm
Thank you.
ElisaTheDuck ELITE said...
on Aug. 30 2015 at 8:11 pm
It's okay; it happens to the best of us. Amazing poem though!
MXiale_983 said...
on Aug. 23 2015 at 6:51 pm
Interesting. Written in a view of one of my perspective. :) I like this.
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER said...
on Jul. 15 2015 at 10:42 am
Thank you so much for your input it was very helpful.
I love the ideas behind the poem, and there are a few places where you convey them well. However, you noted correctly in the author's note that you haven't yet gotten the rhythm and flow of the poem down. My best advice to that would be to read your own work aloud to catch places where it sounds awkward. Don't let little things slide; if you heard it, the chances are that we will hear it too. For inspiration, you can always look to favorite poetry and read that aloud to try to find your own rhythm. Also, steak and stake are two different things. :P That said, the imagery in the first stanza is very powerful, and I love the lines "A cat will chase the bird/ That tries to fly to flee." The alliteration of sound in fly and flee is part of what really makes those lines work. Try to incorporate more alliteration, slant rhyme, etc. into your other lines to improve the flow as well. Just because you're not rhyming, doesn't mean the separate lines don't have to sound good together. Once you tinker a little more with your words and format, you'll really have a way through which your ideas can impact people, and that's when you get true art. :) Good luck!
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER said...
on Jul. 9 2015 at 3:16 pm
Thanks for the advice:)
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER said...
on Jul. 9 2015 at 3:15 pm
Thank you for your advice I am new at poetry so I don't really know what a pattern of punctuation is, ill look into that.
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER said...
on Jul. 8 2015 at 11:40 pm
Thanks for your comment. I noticed some of the mistakes you mentioned I really should proof read but sometimes it's hard to remember.
ElisaTheDuck ELITE said...
on Jul. 8 2015 at 8:10 pm
Other than a few typos and random lack of punctuation, this poem is sad and beautiful. I know exactly how you feel, to an extent. Keep up the great work!
This is about bullying, it's not cool and needs to stop. I know I still have a lot of room to improve in poetry, so I welcome any and all advice. Especially if someone could give me some tips on getting the rhythm of a poem right. Thank for liking and commenting!