The Black Monster

it used to only come at night
in the dark
in the quiet
not the monster under my bed
but the monster in my head

it is black and gray, big enough to take up the whole room
it scares me so much
it makes me think things i don’t want to think
it thought it was safe at night
but i guess taking sleep away from me wasn’t enough for it

it started coming in the day
at school
it bites with its sharp, yellow teeth, like a wolf
it hurts
whispering its sharp but quiet words in my ear like sewing needles

home is worse
it loves my home
it’s fueled by the yelling
the thick silence that hangs in the air afterwards
and in the silence of my isolation
it strikes

it follows me everywhere
filling my mind with blackness
it blots out the sunlight and the happiness
and the music and the knowledge
and it leaves me alone with doubt and self-hate

it’s always there
mouth open, teeth baring, sour breath filling the air
ready to bite me
ready to hurt me
ready to destroy me

i wish i could kill it
but it’s too powerful
it’s too big
i’m so little
so defenseless


The Garden

it used to be very bright
with pretty flowers
vibrant colors
always warm

but then a weed popped up
i didn’t notice it at first
it was just a tiny weed
a gray little thing

i tried to focus on the flowers
hoping it would go away
eventually it did
and i focused even harder on the flowers

a short time later
another weed came
bigger
scarier

i tried to look at the flowers
they weren’t enough
the weed grew and grew
and others started to grow

i was surrounded by weeds
the flowers were dead
all i could do was cut
cut away the weeds

all i do is cut
they won’t go away
they grow and grow
until i am suffocated by them


Needed

i feel like a somebody
i feel like
i feel as if someone
actually needs me

i didn’t used to feel like this
i used to feel like i just
took up space
just matter that didn’t matter

everyday i would go to school
and get a pile of homework
and get so stressed but
i’d do the homework anyway

sometimes i’d fall asleep from
exhaustion of doing the same thing every day
and i’d get stressed about not finishing my homework
i’d try to figure out how to do it before it was due

“skip lunch so you can do your homework”
my stomach testifies against me as i put the least
amount of effort into doing work that doesn’t matter
“if you don’t do this you’ll fall behind and you’ll never catch up”

the grammar rules fill my head
the different ways to solve equations jumble in front of my eyes
the requirements to be a government official get mixed up
all the words and the numbers and the rules get confusing
and i just fall asleep because that’s the only thing i know how to do

now i don’t feel so stressed out
i don’t feel like i’m just an information machine
i feel like i’m a part of something big
like i’m improving myself by going out
on a limb and doing something i’ve never done before