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Awake Yet Asleep
White sheets
covered her
from the world;
and red ribbons
laced around
her back
and her arms.
The colors
of black and blue
surrounded
her body too;
soon to be
joined
by the color of blood.
Liquid rubies
dripped
and dropped
from her body,
falling
and crashing
into the ground.
The only music,
she heard
was a lullaby,
as she laid
with pain,
on a bed
of dreams.
When she had
no reason to hope,
she still hoped;
and so
she endured the pain,
that they inflicted
and whipped
on her.
And so,
with each rise
and with each fall
of her breath,
she still lives;
asleep,
on a bed
with a mask.
Pieces of midnight
fell around her
as waves;
as she laid
awake
yet asleep,
in the midst
of confusions
and illusions,
in the hospital.
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This article has 22 comments.
- "she still lives; assleep, on a bed with a mask"
And of course:
- "pieces of midnight fell around her as waves; as she laid awake yet asleep"
And the words flow freely and smoothly--just rolling off the tongue. You've slipped in some rhymes too that don't detract too much attention but nevertheless adds to the rhythm, which is (don't quote me on this; I've never studied poetry) exactly what they should do. It's a pleasure just to read this poem, not to mention the important message you've incorporated here. The only thing that could've made it better was if the child wasn't in the hospital. Not that I advocate abuse, but in my opinion, it sends a much stronger message if the child bore all this suffering invisibly--and you'd end the poem with the lingering, heart-rending suggestion that the poor girl will have to face another day of it tomorrow. Also, why would the abusive parents send her to the hospital? Wouldn't it be game over for them the moment the authorities sniff them out? Still though, that's just a minor little bump, and subjective enough for it not to harm the strengths of your writing. It was as if you were channeling Ms. Dickinson's spirit while writing this. No doubt you'll go on to do great things. Keep it up! :)
I wrote this from a dream, I had last night (on September 20, 2014.) This has never happened to me, but I know this has happened to other girls my age, older and even younger than me. Before and now. This is still happening in our world, possibly and probably even right now. There are people who abuse girls like this and sometimes more. I don't about you, but I think we can stop this. What do you think? Thank you for taking the time to read this.