I've always found bruises and cuts so beautiful.

Probably because I find beauty in suffering.

probably because so much emoion is put in to that beauty.

probably because from pain and suffering comes happiness

and sadness and hurt and tears and alcohol and cigarettes 

I find so much beauty in certain addictions.

I have come to find that I'm obsessed with pain

and I'm obsessed with beauty and

I'm really obsessed with feeling both of them

but at the same time I'm always feeling empty no matter how much I eat and then I don't want to eat

because I want to be beautiful, and isn't it just a big cycle?

To want to see beauty and want to feel pain

and want to not be constantly numb?

To want to feel full but not wanting to eat

I hate being obsessed with these things I just want to be full.

but how can I do that and be beautiful?

I'm trying so hard to break this f****** cycle and I can't

because once I'm feeling better I loko at magazines

and I feel disgusting. 

I look at pictures of bruises and find them beautiful and sad 

because I know what it's like to be driven to the point where

there's no other option but to relieve your frustration by

slicing your skin or punching yourself until those beautiful

colors appear.

And I'm afraid that I'm becoming so drowned by these thoughts that I will never escape this cycle of wanting pain and beaut and fullness even though I crave nothing more than to be empty. 

Empty of fat, empty of bad thoughts, empty of my demons but I don't think they will ever be gone. 

I want nothing more than for them to be gone.