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Gold`
May 26, 2014
He walks amidst the desert mist
and shadows, dim and deep,
glisten his pasts in shelves of time
of mountains climbed,
and dragons slayed.
He places his hands
where his soul once lay,
Boxed in jewels of Gold.
© Katelyn F., Melbourne, Australia
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 10 comments.
WinterRose76 SILVER said...
on Jun. 9 2014 at 1:37 pm
Oh I see now, I forgot "lay" could also be past tense. It still doesn't sound quite right next to "once" though. Maybe it's the present word "places" that throws me off. I think if you changed your poem's tense from present to past, it would sound more fluent. Only because you have a mixture of past/present tense words. But that's just my opinion. :)
I tried maintaining present tense throught the poem, except in adjectives, of course. Does the word 'lay' create the problem here? (It's supposed to be the past form of lie, and not the present lay). It would be great if you (or anyone, actually) pointed the problem out. Honest feedback is kinda rare so, thanks a lot :)
WinterRose76 SILVER said...
on Jun. 7 2014 at 10:21 am
I agree with WOWriting, you are a much better writer than you give yourself credit for! I love the alliterations and internal rhyming in this poem. Not to mention the wonderful vocabulary. The only suggestion I have is make sure you stick with one tense. Your poem keeps switching from present tense to past tense. Besides that, I think this is very well-written!
OK, when you say in your profile thingy that you're terrible at writing, that is SOOOO not true. Seriously. Even ur profile comment's original. This is a deliberate, meaningful poem and even tho there are tiny, tiny mistakes, it doesn't detract from the simple beauty of the poem. That sounded adulty :P i still really like this :) KEEP WRITING!
