“In and out.”
That’s what they tell me.
In and out
And it will all be okay.

But when my breaths stagger out
From hollow lungs
And the shallow beats of my heart
Jolt against my bones
The last thing I wish for is “in and out”.

Sometimes I long for “in”.
Tantalizing smoke filling my cracks and crevices;
A mixture of liquid poisons
Creating within me an inextinguishable sun.
And I’m spinning
And I’m flying
And I’m dancing with you.
A heavenly warmth that could only be accomplished
Through bottles and lighters
Melting together in an awe striking tango
That takes your breath away.
And I do not want to fathom “out”.

But, in the dark hours,
When the sun melts into the moon
And the world is depleted of light
I cry for “out”.

Out with the voices
That taunt me with their cackling tone,
Reminding me of each fault and failure,
Ever steadfast in their task.
Out with the memories
Of hands held
Lips kissed
And records being spun into the night.
Out with the demons
That pull at my organs
And tell me
That I cannot live without you.
Out with it all.
I scream
I slice
I bleed
Anything to silence
The deafening void
That you have left
Gaping in my soul.

So do not bid me “in and out”
For with each forced breath
I am swallowed further
Into this oblivion.
Instead wish upon me “in” or “out”,
But most of all,
Wish for me nothing at all,
And let me slip down this rabbit hole

And sleep.