In elementary school
I was the object of every boy’s affection
Daniel would chase me around all day
Trying to steal playground kisses
I was the only girl without cooties
The exception
But I had no interest in kissing him back
When I was in the fourth grade
I decided it was time for my first crush
I set my eyes on my closest guy friend
And when he picked the other girl
I didn’t know how to explain the tears flowing from my eyes
Puddling up on the sticky cafeteria table
I just wanted a boyfriend like every other girl
I just wanted to be normal
When I was eleven
I said the word gay for the first time
Before shaking my head in denial
I couldn’t be gay
My parents would cry
I would never find love
I ignored the flutter when she touched me
The thump-thumping of my heart beat
When she called my name
Instead, I filled my mind with the words
I’m straight
I’m straight
I’m straight
When I was twelve
I finally gave in
My first kiss behind the science building
Feeling her soft red lips for the first time
Finally smothering the hope of being normal
But the fire within felt so warm
I just let the flames burn up any sense of normality I had left
I was no longer lying to myself
But lying to others
When people started reading my eyes
Instead of my lips
Fear set in
I was afraid of being found out
I was afraid of being left out
Afraid of my dream wedding disappearing with my friends
Even now
Driving home late at night
I’m afraid
Of the person behind me following me home
Hatred burning inside at the sight of my rainbow sticker
I’m afraid of the day when a homophobic fist comes fast at my jaw
When I was fifteen
The words spilled out to my father
He held me tight
And told me his love for me is unconditional
My mother did cry
But only when I was in pain
Because of them
No longer am I afraid of who I am
And how I love
Just because there’s the hand of another girl
On the other side of my fingertips
Does not mean my love isn’t as pure as yours
So I will continue to hold her hand
I will keep the lgbt sticker on the back of my truck
Which I will continue to call the butchmobile
I will keep on letting my pride shine
I am proud of never giving up on this fight
I am proud of who I am.