I stay inside tonight,
although there’s a nice breeze on the porch.
I stay inside and think to myself and
Admit, all I feel like doing is watching the window and
Hearing the rain tap the roof outside my room with every drop
but it isn’t raining outside,
so I don’t.
I stay inside and think to myself and
Cry for all of the lost souls, me being one of them, and
I cry because it seems like no matter how much I pray
nothing ever changes.
Tears stumble down my face as I admit
That I can’t recall all of the names I swore to pray for,
So I stop trying to remember,
Stop trying to pray.
I stay inside tonight,
although there are birds singing on the porch and silence there.
I stay inside and think to myself and
Wish that I was different, Criticize myself and
Wonder if I am even who my parents thought I would be
Because I am not who I thought I would be. I think and
Wonder if my sister really loves me, or if she is just obligated?
Because I don’t know if I would love me just because I felt like I had to;
Am I a person I would love?
Am I a girl that I would be friends with?
Sometimes it seems like I am two people:
the First, the girl with others, the girl who is nice and was brought up by good parents and in a Christian home, the neighborhood girl who sells cookies and plays in tree houses and sells lemonade for a quarter a cup because even at seven years everyone knows she’s smart; but
the Second, the girl who is myself, who I am when I am alone, my thoughts ideas songs when no one is around, the girl who is broken and writes poems that don’t rhyme and constantly questions her faith and herself, the girl with a sad soul, the girl who no one knows,
The girl on the inside.
I stay inside tonight and
Watch the window and the sunset behind it because it isn’t raining and I
Cry for the lost souls, cry for myself and cry for God because I haven’t seen him in a long time and I
Try to remember the names and pray. And I am alone and
I attempt to organize my thoughts into another meaningless poem that will only be read by myself
But all of my thoughts have already been written down on blank pages not blank anymore
So I try not to think to myself more than I already have, and I
stay inside and ignore the breeze on the porch.