Who Am I? | Teen Ink

Who Am I?

March 1, 2013
By CountryPopGirl PLATINUM, Lawrenceville, New Jersey
CountryPopGirl PLATINUM, Lawrenceville, New Jersey
38 articles 16 photos 64 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, that's the sad truth. Maybe they'll break your heart, maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. That's the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly..."
-Dr. Jack Hodgins (Bones)

I stare into the mirror
I see a girl
A simple girl
A teenage girl
A girl that has many friends
A girl that has a life
A girl that was just me

I look at myself
I scan my body
Nice curves
Thin but not too thin legs
Arm that had a bit of muscle
A round face

My face
The blue eyes
The blond hair
The rosy cheeks
The small nose
The lipstick stained lips

I looked at all of this
I thought to myself
I look good
I am beautiful
I make a good impression

What I didn’t see
Was the girl
The girl I used to be
That little girl
That girl that learned to walk
Learned to run

She was so small
So naive
She let her blond curls hang
Her clothes were a variety
of pink and purples
Mainly dresses
But fashion didn’t matter to her

She was always smiling
Always having fun
She was always laughing
Never had a dull moment
A zoo was a new world
Everything was so big
Everything was intriguing
A new world to explore

I looked for her in me
She had deep blue eyes
One of her best features
A spark of life
That white cloud on a rainy day
Her eyes were her prize
Her trophy for being so nice
My eyes were a dull pale blue
Nearly gray
A few flecks of the deep blue
A few bits of me that still had fun

I looked for her smile
It was so beautiful
White and shining
Always glowing
She never put it away
I looked at my mouth
My lips were stained red
She was proud of her lips
But I wasn’t
I forced a smile
It looked horrible
But to anyone else, it was nice
That was how I smiled now

I looked for her blond curls
They just hung there
Making her face seem so perfect
The red bow on the cake
She liked wearing red bows
I took my hair in my hand
I had straightened it
Not a curl left
They wouldn’t be back till tomorrow
Or if I showered
But they wouldn’t be the same
Mine would just make me feel weird
I was ashamed of them
When I wasn’t, they hid me
Hid my face
I never thought my face was perfect

Her nose and cheeks were beautiful
They were full of life
Rosy cheeks and a little nose
Perfect for a little girl
Now they made me feel immature
Or rather different
I always seemed to be blushing
Because of my cheeks
My nose felt too small
Not a nice feature at all

I listened for her laugh
It was so pretty
It lit up her face
And made her smile
The laugh encouraged others
It was contagious
It spread joy very quickly
I tried to laugh
My smile came
It still wasn’t as beautiful as hers
My laugh was broken
Not enough to spread joy
It wasn’t contagious
It was embarrassing
I hardly laughed and rarely
Naturally smiled anymore

I wished that little girl
Would come back
Where had she gone?
What happened to her?
Why hadn’t I noticed?
When did this happen?
Why did she leave me?

I stared back at the mirror
There she was next to me
She was wearing a red bow
Her blond curls at her side
The nose was perfect for her face
A blue and green dress
Adorned her body
Her rosy cheeks were
A nice compliment to it
Her deep blue eyes
Couldn’t be compared
To the dress,
The ocean,
They shamed the blue dress

She was looking up at me
It seemed like she was looking
At my soul
I started crying
I hadn’t seen this girl in a while
I hadn’t felt the joy that she carried
In a long time
I bent down to her eye level
She wasn’t just in the mirror anymore
She was here in real life
I wondered if I was dreaming

“Why are you here?”
I asked through tears
“Don’t you remember?
You wished me here.”
Her voice was so soft
She was probably five
“Where did you go?”
“What do you mean?”
“I haven’t seen you in me.
I haven’t been you for. . .
When did I lose you?”
“You never lost me.”
“Yes I did.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Then what happened to you.”
“You don’t remember?”
“Remember what?”
“The day I died.”

She had died?
“You died?”
“Yes. Surely you
remember May 7.”
“May 7?”
“Four years ago?”
“Oh. I try to push
that out of my mind.
You can’t remember it.
Can you?”
“Yes. I can. Would you like to
remember, or must I tell you.”
“No, I’ll remember it.”

May 7 was the day Trevor dumped me
Trevor, my first boyfriend
The man I first loved
Who I thought I would love forever
A man that changed my life

He loved me
He wanted me
And I wanted him
He made me feel complete
He was my sun

My life was happier in those days
I actually smiled
I did it often and beautifully
Sometimes I would smile
Just because I thought of him
Occasionally I would laugh
At something he said earlier
I was actually happy
My eyes were still a deep blue
And I used to see myself glow
After being with him
In those days, I did focus
On my appearance, but
I felt so beautiful around him
I barely even wore makeup

May 7 was the worst day
We met at our spot in the park
We had first met on a bench
By accident and it grew from there
So we met and we talked
There was a lot of tension
In the air
Once he finally broke it off
He just left me
Storm clouds had gathered
And it started raining
As he walked away
He took the sunshine
He took the glow
He took my heart
He left me standing in the rain

I missed him deeply
In the week that followed
It seemed like there was
No sun those days
It seemed like it was
Raining constantly
Even if the weather wasn’t
Like that, my mind made me
Believe it was
I kept going back to that spot
Reliving the memory
Watching him walking away
And wishing he would turn
He never did
I was always left
At our spot
Standing in the rain

Eventually, I met another boy
Ironically at the same park
He was a nice friend
I never thought of him
More than that
I had been broken before
I didn’t need to be again

I had changed my appearance
Trying to leave behind the
Girl that loved Trevor
Apparently I had also lost myself
Lost that innocent little girl
She died from the breakup
A terrible consequence
Of a stupid boy’s decision

“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’ve moved on.
Now you need to.”
“I don’t know how.”
“Yes you do. You and I
both know how.”
“Yes I know. I’m just
so scared to.”
“Don’t be. I’ll be right
here until you get on
the right path.”
I sat down on my bed
And she hopped up
Next to me
I closed my eyes
And took a deep breath
It had been so long
It had been too long
I took out my cellphone
“Hey Devon. I got a
question for you.
You free on Friday?”

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