I woke up at nine o’clock
to see her limp body
lying over the arm of my couch.
I could smell the disgorge
coming from my bathroom;
the scent
surpassed the deodorizer,
but there was no hiding her self consciousness.
Regurgitating,
leaving everything in the toilet
but her basic memory.
Not knowing how she got here
was the least of her worries,
instead
she wanted to know
how many calories I allowed her to swallow.
She didn’t get high because
everyone else was doing it,
she got high because it took her away.
It masked her fear of being bulimic
and all the constant worries.
It moved her soul
to what she called “the moon”
the “weed moon” to be exact.
She was scared
of giving into what everyone wanted
but at the same time
she wanted to be perfect.
Being scared
that five hundred more calories
would end up with her being
cut,
burned
and photoshopped
out of society’s photoalbum,
she shrank into someone so small
and tempted to hide from everyone.
You never expect to build bonds
with some random girl you meet in the hot tub.
Some complete stranger
confides in you
to take full control of their life
what more can you do?
Exposed to so much
I never thought at this moment
we would still hold strong to this relationship.
Body thinning,
only holding a curve
because her mother blessed her with them.
She began to shed hair
due to stress and worrying.
In my mind
she was beautiful
and that’s all that mattered
to me, but to her
she needed so much more.
I couldn’t give her anything more
than my words
and a meal when she was high enough
not to care anymore.
I couldn’t continue
to pull her off of my couch,
up from the pavement
or out of the passenger seat.
I gave my all
to someone who needed me
the most,
but even when she was down
on her last string,
I held her hair
because she asked me
to be there.
Yet
in the same breath
with every favor
came a condition.
Together
we will fight this
or together
we will fall,
but I refuse
to lose someone
over what society thinks
it controls.