Trapped In a Cage | Teen Ink

Trapped In a Cage

November 29, 2011
By KShep12 GOLD, Lake Butler, Florida
KShep12 GOLD, Lake Butler, Florida
10 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It isn't where you came from, its where you're going that counts." -Ella Fitzgerald


Freely down my cheeks they flow.
Pain that words cannot express.
I'm hurting more than one can see.
Why does this happen to me?

I look down and see the scars.
Am I trapped?
My life feels like I'm trapped.
I'm isolated in a cage.

Am I the only one?
Do others feel this way?
This is something I haven't felt.
Away I wish I could run.


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This article has 7 comments.


on Dec. 9 2011 at 8:42 am
Helena_Noel BRONZE, Burnt Hills, New York
1 article 0 photos 629 comments

Favorite Quote:
“I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day; I'd rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way: The eye's a better pupil and more willing than the ear, fine counsel is confusing, but example's always clear.” -Edgar Guest

Am I the only one?
Do others feel this way?
I've never felt so traped before,
I wish I could be free.


or


Am I the only one?
Do others feel this way?
Ive never felt so caged, so traped.
All I want is to get away.


Or you could go with the the 'last two lines rhyming' thing like you did on acceidnt with the first verse. But for that you might have to change the whole thing. That could be difficult to do and still preserve the feeling of it. I might have done something like this:


Freely down my cheeks they flow.
Pain that words cannot express.
I'm hurting more than you can see.
Why does this happen to me?

I look down and see the scars.
My life feels like I'm in a cage.
I feel so alone I could snap.
I start to wonder, am I trapped?

Am I the only one?
I've never felt so traped before,
Do others feel this way?
All I want is to get far away.


Or some other variation. Be creative! It's your work and if you happen to like the reverse syntax on the last line better, than you like it better and it dosen't matter if I or anyone else thinks. While it is good to improve yourself, you need to ask "am I improving in ways that I like? or am I disreguarding my style for ones I don't want?"

 

I'm giving you advice, and it dose make things better, but not everybody needs to move in this direction, you might be meant to improve in an intirely different fashion. Just remember that.


KShep12 GOLD said...
on Dec. 3 2011 at 4:30 pm
KShep12 GOLD, Lake Butler, Florida
10 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It isn't where you came from, its where you're going that counts." -Ella Fitzgerald

Thank you so much!

TapTap SILVER said...
on Dec. 3 2011 at 4:28 pm
TapTap SILVER, New Berlin, Wisconsin
8 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
Dream as if you'll live forever, love like there is no tomorrow, dance like there is no one watching.

TThis is a truly fantastic job! 1 critique is in te title you dont need to say"trapped in a cage" i think it might be more riveting if you saud just "trapped"! 5/5 stars! keep writing!

KShep12 GOLD said...
on Dec. 2 2011 at 3:44 pm
KShep12 GOLD, Lake Butler, Florida
10 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It isn't where you came from, its where you're going that counts." -Ella Fitzgerald

Thank you so much! If you like it, you can share it ;)

on Dec. 2 2011 at 3:42 pm
sunshine7223 SILVER, Holdenville, Oklahoma
9 articles 0 photos 124 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Afterall, a loose screw doesn&#039;t want to need, and a hammer doesn&#039;t want to be needed.&quot; -Me<br /> <br /> &quot;Those who observe with their eyes closed and mouths open, are usually not as wise as those who allow their minds to wander freely.&quot; -Me

I really like this! I can so relate to some of this! GREAT JOB. I disagree with loud dreamer, I think you did just fine. :))

KShep12 GOLD said...
on Dec. 1 2011 at 2:53 pm
KShep12 GOLD, Lake Butler, Florida
10 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;It isn&#039;t where you came from, its where you&#039;re going that counts.&quot; -Ella Fitzgerald

How could I change the end?

on Dec. 1 2011 at 10:43 am
Helena_Noel BRONZE, Burnt Hills, New York
1 article 0 photos 629 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;I&#039;d rather see a sermon than hear one any day; I&#039;d rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way: The eye&#039;s a better pupil and more willing than the ear, fine counsel is confusing, but example&#039;s always clear.&rdquo; -Edgar Guest

Well, this is very good, and I liked the theme. You did a good job describing the way you felt and it is a very relatable subject. However, the way you ended two lines that were right next to each other wasn't particularly stylish, and the last line "Away I wish I could run." was awkward, which is very unfortunate because it was the last line.  I liked the entire first stanza, it was heartfelt, the words you used were very strong, loaded words capable of moving the reader when used like this. If you are able to do this in more situations to envoke different kinds of emotions you shouldn't have trouble moving up the ranks of TI. Great job, but I think this one needs a little work.