Repaint The Skies | Teen Ink

Repaint The Skies

June 5, 2011
By Branden Navedo SILVER, Oklahoma, Maryland
Branden Navedo SILVER, Oklahoma, Maryland
5 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Someone, somewhere…
Someone! Drown the
Skies in prose
With me!
Anyone! Repaint the winding stars
Like rosy, sinewy hearts
To show that you’re in love with me!

Someone, anywhere,
Someone! Kiss the
Wandering clouds
For me!
Anyone! Compose a song
That only birds should know!
The flightless ones – covered all in snow.

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This article has 3 comments.

Eirias SILVER said...
on Jul. 23 2012 at 4:52 am
Eirias SILVER, Spring, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 70 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you wish to be a writer, write" -Epictetus

I'm not sure why . . . I must be in a really good mood today . . . but I really like your poetry. I think it is because it isn't a true form (or at least this one isn't) as near as I can tell, but I can definately tell that you put considerable thought into how many syllables you put into each line, and where the accents fall, etc. I also really enjoy the symmetry. I would enjoy such symmetry exponentially more as the poem gets more stanzas; the problem there is that it becomes increasingly obvious that the only reason the words are chosen is to keep up the pattern. I tend to milk whatever pattern I set up past the point where the reader has had enough.

I once read a book on magic tricks, and the author said that the goal of showmanship is to leave the audience undersatisfied--you want the audience to be begging for more, as opposed to being bored by the time you're done. However, you also want to show the audience as much as possible before they become satiated, and I'm left feeling that this poem was rather short.

And I feel that you could have ended better--this poem is so grand and beautiful and macrocosmic . . . and then it is really about penguins? As far as I know, penguins don't even sing! While I do think that the end couplet is powerful, I don't think that "snow" should have ended the poem (at least in that context). It would be better to forgo the couplet if you can't come up with something that doesn't sound like it was only chosen to rhyme.

on Sep. 15 2011 at 4:11 pm
Branden Navedo SILVER, Oklahoma, Maryland
5 articles 0 photos 17 comments
Thank you for each of your comments! ^^ Could you advertise this for me and I'll read a few of yours too?

on Jul. 28 2011 at 7:14 pm
thetruthawaits94 SILVER, Duncan, Oklahoma
9 articles 0 photos 351 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain.

I will!!! Hahaha :) This one is my second favorite. I almost said favorite but then i remembered you Ruby poem which i loved a teensy bit more! Good Work!