Apathy's Safety | Teen Ink

Apathy's Safety

November 8, 2009
By Emmalee SILVER, Rayville, Louisiana
Emmalee SILVER, Rayville, Louisiana
9 articles 14 photos 65 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. - John Lennon

I am insane.

I see things.

I see things that couldn’t be true – like me with you.

However, my reluctance to erase my evident hallucination makes my heart throb for you more.

I let myself dream. I dream until my dreams betray me time and time again.

I was always so scared of death. With you as my life support, I let myself forget how to breathe. When we were no more, I choked.

I’m addicted to you and the smile that never fails to sway me. I gave you my hand, with wide eyes and an even wider heart. I was taken down a precarious path of complete emotional risk and fulfillment.

I let myself fall in love with you, and I have let the doors of sanity close behind my worn-out, dependent self.

Your grasp wrapped around my suspicion and even more around my curiosity. In your hold, my heart leaked. But that was alright because the contents that leaked would not reach the outside as long as you held me together.

I now understand that I should always be scared to show weakness.

I have fenced my heart and true laughter. I open up without ever fully trusting. I brace myself for eventual betrayal, for inevitable hurt.

I, in no way, shy from the battle itself. I simply go in well-prepared.

There is no such thing as a warm heart in a cold world.

I have given in to apathy’s safety.

Now I hide my emptiness behind cold words and heartless gestures. It may be a weak shield, but it is my only shield.

My rage eventually passed, leaving a painfully hollow place for desperation to fill.

It’s amazing how I’ve been falling apart my whole life. I’ve kept strength through numerous situations – judgments, deaths, separation, and isolation – and you broke me so easily.

I’m still wondering how.

The author's comments:
I would rather have been forever ignorant than have discovered so much depravity and ingratitude in one I valued so highly.

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