Pain is Only Temporary

I believe that pain is only temporary but more subtle emotions, like embarrassment and queasiness last much longer. Pain is vanishing. A fleeting moment when your nerve endings are set on fire and your heart seizes up. When I stub my toe or bump into a wall or bash into a corner (which happens more often than I would like) I know I won’t remember the feeling for more than half a minute. But the uncomfortable queasiness that comes with gory, shocking pain? The embarrassment of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time? Subtle emotions that aren’t big enough to be blocked out but not small enough to be overlooked? Those live on much longer than a stubbed toe or fading bruise.

I vividly remember the first time I got stitches from an accident. It was elementary school – 3rd or 4th grade – and I remember hanging out with my friends. I remember having my shoes off and I went to get something from another friend group, or just pick something up. But what I really recall is running back. And socks slipping. And falling forehead first into a wall. 

It didn't hurt at first. I was just a little stunned and embarrassed that I fell in front of my friends. I laughed it off – a weak chuckle actually – for about 2 seconds before my friend said I was bleeding. This seemed to trigger the pain that I was too stunned to register because immediately after I felt the worst pain of my life and started bawling. 

Actually, that's a lie. I assume it was the worst pain of my life. I mean bashed forehead, stitches, cracked skull, bawling my eyes out? I would assume that would take the cake of the worst pain. 

I was quickly patched up, and can't even remember how many stitches I got; it was so long ago. What I do remember is being given a tablet to play games while the female doctor sewed me back together. I didn't even register any pain (so much anesthesia) but that numb, tugging sensation that seemed to spread to my very soul? I remember that very well. This feeling persists, when I inadvertently touch that spot, or look in the mirror and my eyes are drawn to that pale scar. 

The pain, I obviously can live with and let it fade into a distant memory, but that subtle feeling at the sight of my scar? That will also continue to live with me for the rest of my life, and I really wish it wouldn't. 

I can push this off though. A temporary blimp of uncomfortableness in one life among billions of humans and innumerable life forms in the endless annals of history. You know? The grand scheme of things. Of course, I don't make my feelings and existence so insignificant when I win a minor trophy or have the most delicious sip of water after a Popeyes biscuit or a scrumptious slice of pizza that could make even humans ascend to godhood. 

But when I’m uncomfortable? Or embarrassed? I can be really quick to diminish, belittle, devalue, play it off, and altogether gaslight myself until I get right back to living life, one foot-hopping, toe stubbing, involuntarily wall hugging moment at a time.