Every morning I wake

Up to your judgemental reflection,

As I hurriedly stuff makeup in my pencil case before school,

I see your shadow when I head to my closet to pick out what to wear,

Should I dress comfy or what you deem ‘cute’? 

Surely, my crush won't like me if I'm in sweatpants and a baggy T-shirt, so

I choose the short skirt and a bold red tank top instead.  

When I step into the high school halls, your influence surrounds me

Mirrored in the faces of girls 

Striving for your grace.

I rush to the school bathroom and start beating my face.

Twenty minutes before class starts,

Internal alarms sound.

Oat-shaded concealer, a coral-colored liquid blush,

I smooth out my lips with some butter balm, 

And trace my waterline in jet black. 

As my classes wear on, your hold slowly fades.

Raw skin peeks through, 

Mascara smudges beneath my eyes.

I feel others running through my face, 

My hair, my body. 

As if they were analyzing 

An essay for AP Lang, trying to extract details 

I didn’t even know existed. 

The hundred of eyes I imagine

Are stubborn. They won’t leave me alone. 

The weekend emerges, and I remember.

I find myself dedicating an hour to appease you. 

The big three—lashes, hair, and makeup.

I’ll do anything to please you: 

Prep my face with glue, so the make-up sticks.

Bristle up my brows, throw on some glitter.

Alter the outline of my lips, and quick fill.

Pull the skin from my eye,

Draw a thin magnetic line.

Pinch lashes between the metal frame,

Attach fake hairs to my eyes.

And apply multiple coats of spray 

In hopes of making my alternative self last forever.

I hope it makes you happy. 

Day-by-day, the weeks roll by, and soon, years pass. 

Years of the same routine I claim 

I love.

Self-worth slipping— 

I’m encumbered,

Ever-changing ideals and expectations, 

Adrift in endless Sephora runs,

Aisles summon insecurities and doubts. 

Dear beauty standards, you leave me

Unanswered, in the reflections 

Of school bathrooms and passing mirrors. 

I yearn

To see myself beyond your lens.

I wait for the morning I wake

Up to my own reflection, forgetting

I ever saw you stare back at me.