TW: Eating Disorder

when i was little,

my dad told me that

the definition of insanity is doing

the same thing

over and over

and expecting different results.

i must be insane.

i let this cycle continue

as i have

for three years

1,278 days

30,672 hours

1,840,320 minutes

110,419,200 seconds

i let this cycle continue

starve binge purge

starve binge purge

starve binge purge

starve binge purge

starve binge purge

starve binge purge

starve binge purge

starve binge purge

starve binge purge

starve binge purge

starve binge purge

starve binge purge

i let this

other

darker side of me

be in

control.

it started small

eating healthier

turned into eating just vegetables

turned into eating just salad

turned into eating just lettuce

turned into eating nothing at all

turned into not being able to stop

turned into raiding the fridge at midnight

turned into stuffing myself

turned into being unable to eat

this demon in my stomach

in my mind

in my heart

in my body

infecting everything

my personality

my energy

friendships

social life

my family

i am

furiously crying out for help

pushing my way to the surface

only to

     be dismissed

      and ignored

my struggle

       invalidated

because “you can’t have an eating disorder if you’re a fat girl”

“you don’t look like you have an eating disorder”

“don’t you need to be skinny to have an eating disorder?”

“that’s not bulimia it’s normal”

but it it not normal

this disorder

this inability to fuel myself

while nobody seems to notice me

slowly evaporating

into nothingness