I promise 

Were the wise words my coach told me

I talked with him before practice one day, expressing to him my deep angered emotion towards a specific someone on my team. How this specific someone was ruining my mental state, how I didnt want to play with this specific someone on my senior night, and how I didnt want my senior night to be ruined. 

He told me “Sofia   I   Promise    I will not do that to you on your Senior Night”

I promise 

I remember looking into his deep blue eyes and having a sincere connection. Almost like how a daughter looks to a mother who says they are proud of them. That vulnerability. That calm feeling knowing that you will be ok. 

Senior night comes around, my excitement is eccentric! 

Senior night, a day that every senior looks forward to, yet is dreading at the same time. 

Many emotions run through your head and body. It felt as though I was at a carnival, being so excited and happy from going on all the fun rides, then in the mix of it all was sad and felt sick from the spinniness of those rides. 

Happy because my whole family was there and it was finally my time to shine

Sad and sick because I was nervous and didnt know what was going to happen

I was announced with a little tribute to who I am as a person while I skated to my parents. 

Many emotions again ran through my head and body, happy because this is the moment every kid dreams of, sad because this is the one and only moment a kid dreams of and it is finally coming true and ending. 

Flowers in my hand, felt soft and flimsy, which gave me something to think about while I skated out towards the ones who love me the most. The flowers had no smell, yet they were dyed red,blue and white for Caps. Looking to my right I see what i would consider my fan club. All my aunts, cousins, sister, and other members who have supported me throughout the years cheering me on! 

Saying “wooooohooooo!” with there handmade signs for me which read “ Go SOKO!” and “ #3 on the ice, #1 in our hearts”

The sound was echoing throughout the rink, almost so loud it was blistering.

Very cute and very sweet. 

Taking a picture with my parents was very eye opening. Thoughts of this is almost the end, and wow look at how far we have came was all I could think about. My mother tearing up but not crying, while we were all smiling, almost like it was a silver lining for what was to come. 

That promise my coach said to me was still engraved, etched, and seared into my brain.

I promise I wont do that to you on your senior night

I    Promise 

Sitting on the bench watching the minutes go down, the power plays, the penalty kills, the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd lines go out. While I look up at my coach, thinking

 “will it be my time yet?”

I went out a handful of shifts before 3rd period arose. 

I was happy, yet still pissed off because it still wasnt what I was looking for.

More emotions and thoughts went through my head like

If I didnt get a concussion that lasted 2 months I wouldnt be in this situation right now

If I actually was his favorite, this wouldnt be happening to me right now

Why me? He tells me I do everything he asks of me yet he is doing this to me

Sitting on the bench during the third period, I watch the clock tik down once again, more power plays, more penalty kills and still I wasnt out there enough as I should have been.

Sitting on this bench, the brown wooden, cracked bench. Looking over to my right seeing all of my teammates dripping in sweat, faces beamed with red flushed skin, panting. I look up at my coach once again, he glances at me almost like he knows what im thinking, then has a face which I perceive to be that he just had gotten caught red handed.

The face of guilt, the face of he f*cked up, the face of he knows he is in the wrong.

EVERY senior got more playing time than me, 

EVERY 

SINGLE

ONE

There was 5 minutes left in the game

I had had about 3-4 shifts that period, which is pretty good considering I wasnt getting any more than that which  I knew of

It was my turn to go, 

BAM 

We are on a power play, the words no one wanted to hear 

Which meant only the favorites would go out

2 minutes later, 

BAM 

we are on a penalty kill, again the words no one wanted to hear

With 3 ish minutes left in the game I knew that this would be the last shift if I even was able to go.

I look over, 

Again those deep blue eyes glaring at me

The face of “Im sorry” shot towards my way.

I knew at that moment that 

I Promise 

Was never what it meant.

Tears started forming in my eyes,

 betrayal was boiling my blood,

anger arose. 

It was like he forgot the conversation we had.

It was like I didnt even matter to him

It was like he knew what he was doing but did it anyway

FOR WHAT?

We didnt even win anyway

It was a 7-1 loss 

Why not put me in? 

What was the reason?

The respect for him was lost, completely lost, 

those deep blue eyes, that calming conversation we had, 

Meant nothing 

I  Promise 

Is what he told me 

But 

I Promise 

Is not what he meant.