I saw you through the kaleidoscope once or twice

I saw you staring back at me with your gentle eyes

You were shouting something, I recall

Shouts, but no words

Words, but no sound

I heard you, but I didn’t listen

Do words have any gravity if no one ever listens?

You were at the bottom of the kaleidoscope, I remember

I didn’t believe it was you at first

You looked so small, stuck in that cylindrical tube

In melancholic despair

Because the life you had once loved was gone

Once the truth had unraveled, it meant there would forever be regret for hadn’t been done

Kaleidoscope

Is this how you cope?

Being the image my kaleidoscope warps?

Are you lost among the dancing images that surround you?

Are you dead?

Are you alive, but cannot escape?

And in that sense, you’re deader than the weight of a dying man’s words

In each diamond of that kaleidoscope, I saw a different possibility

Events in my life that hadn’t occurred, but were apparently standing right in front of me

You showed me these images because you believed there was a part of me that was missing

There was, but it was much too painful to be reminded of those impossibilities

If pain is the release from ignorance, then I wish to be unaware till the end of time

I should have screamed every word inside of me when I had the chance

Confess that what people wanted from me, I couldn’t give

And when they wanted nothing of me, I could have told them that although I am terribly inconsiderate,

Not worthy of a friend, or of being one, more exactly,

I still would rather them never leave

To resent me, mock my very existence every day, but remain as my companion

It’s pathetic, I know but,

I believe that life is only complete when you have someone

You’re right, I should have gone on that train when I still had the chance 

Sleep on the train ride to nowhere

To eventually awake from slumber and end up someplace

You told me one time that I should be more adventurous

Well, that’s exactly what I would do

I wouldn’t ask anyone where I was 

Or how far away I was from home

Or how to return back to it

I wouldn’t do anything but explore the unknown while figuring out myself

I would be confused and in that sense, that would make me free

I find that beautiful, being confused

It’s actually quite miserable when you are able to see the truth 

I would do just that, awake to discover myself in an unknown land

But no one ever chooses to be spontaneous 

Because there’s comfort in being unaware

There’s comfort in knowing that you won’t experience everything

And in that sense, you never experience what life expected you to 

You’re so terribly right, it’s painful to admit it

I should have told everyone my darkest secrets

So I wouldn’t be stuck with myself

Even if it hurt, at least it would be honest

At least people would know that I could verbalize my thoughts, and therefore, I spoke the truth

But I couldn’t even reveal the simple truth

That’s the worst of all:

Telling no one in fear that you’ll lose everyone

All of this madness made me wonder: “How long could I have stayed silent until noise and dreadful cacophonies overcame me?”

Then I realized, I was eternally mute

Because of you, I should have done a lot of things

Speak the words I never wanted to say

Indulge in the life I never wanted to live

Do everything that wasn’t me, but do it for you

Except, I didn’t

Nothing was ever worth it 

Even if it meant losing you

Even if it meant I would only see you from the bottom of a kaleidoscope