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If I had a magic crystal ball
If I had a magic crystal ball,
I’d look forward in time
And fix all my mistakes
Before I even made them.
I’d be omniscient
Like Will Smith in genie form
And super strong
Like Shaggy using 15% of his powers.
If I had a magic crystal ball,
I’d test out every scenario
And make only the right decisions.
I’d be a billionaire stock investor,
Most influential figure ever -
Beyonce would change her lyrics
to “Run the World.”
I’d pick my major right the first time,
I’d never make a bad decision,
I’d never have a fight with a friend,
I’d never royally screw up
And have to do extra chores all month.
I’d never pull a surprise gravity check,
Mess up a midterm,
Or say good morning after noon.
If I had a magic crystal ball,
Even Ricky Bobby would sponsor me.
I’d put the shake in shake and bake.
People would make salt and pepper shakers
Plastered with my face on them.
I’d have so many fans,
I’d be forced to get a bodyguard,
And I’d make him exclusively stand to my right
So that paparazzi only ever capture my good side.
If I had a magic crystal ball,
I’d look out on my riches,
My countless friends,
My sprawling LA mansion
My armies of supporters and fans,
My millions of likes and followers,
My Disneyland-inspired space mountain,
And I’d wonder, whose life is this?
If I had a magic crystal ball,
I wouldn’t know what it’s like
To fail and fail and fail
And get so used to failing and trying,
That when I experience even the tiniest success,
I feel like shouting it from the rooftops.
If I had a magic crystal ball,
That tiny success wouldn’t mean a boar’s butt.
I’d be so used to finding myself at the top of mountains,
That every mountain would become too small.
I’d be like Aladdin getting wealth and riches from a genie,
Quickly realizing that it’s not enough to marry the princess.
Once I’ve conquered humanity
Once I’ve taken the world by storm,
I’ll go to bed at night,
Tuck myself in tight,
Try not to think about how hollow I feel.
I’d turn over on my side
Look at my magic crystal ball,
And say, screw you.
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