i feel ill
my head is bombarding me
the blood pounding
but too hard.
so hard that i scream with pain.

aren't these shackles already enough?
these tight, iron manacles
that almost shred my wrists?
isn't it already enough?

now, i'm scraping on the wall
these words
that i need the rest of the world
to know.
to understand.

if i have to go
i just want to say
i love you mom
the dear woman
who loved me with all her heart

i love you dad
who supported
me
every step of the way

i love you, my dear
sister
for being my friend
and raising me
to be strong
and making me laugh
when i most need it

i love you, grandma.
what you did for me
cannot have any words
you truly raised me
slept by me every night
told me the stories that
make me who i am today
i love you
i love you

i love you all

please don't mourn me
because even though 
these shackles bind me
they will never bind my love
or my heart
which extends itself to you

just know this
i am ok with this
i'd rather it be me
than one of you
i'd rather it be me
who was tortured to death
than one of you

i know you wouldn't agree with my sentiments
and gladly give yourselves up
for me
the weakling of the family
i was always the weak one
but let the strong ones live
and let the weak be the spares

i love you

life is incredibly cruel
when it brings pain to you
it doesn't take it away
but it doesn't take itself away either

you have to live with the pain
and here i am
these almost-murderers
which now i am contemplating
if it is worse than actual ones

because those people
that make you suffer
but don't kill you
are the worst of them all
wouldn't you agree?

and now with my burning
wrist
head
stomach
legs
and arms
it hurts to even scrape one letter

on this god-forsaken cement wall

i don't understand
how people can be so cruel
to their own kind

have you ever thought about
how humans must be one of
the only species
that kill each other

most other ones
love each other
take care of each other
protect each other
not ruthlessly fight wars
and kill them by the millions

over 58 million people died last year
and this number changes every second now
yes, there are more births than deaths
but, have you ever wondered
how many of those deaths are caused by war

i actually wouldn't know
i don't know that much
but maybe i should know

being a fugitive of war, myself

fugitive of war
is only a nice way to say
prisoner
of an enemy power

but i don't understand
why we need enemies
why can't we all get along?
that way, a cause of human death

can be evaded
well, for the most part.

because there are
terrible people
out there
who want only

to kill.

to harm.

to maim.

and there are too many
of those cruel beings.
why?
why?

that is my only question
what is that need
to harm others
to kill.

countries go to war
because of petty disagreements

why the war?
because of childish arguments
and inane reasons.
why can't we solve things

peacefully?

without violence?

what is the need for humans to be massacred by the hour?