I, Matt Jackson, have been sent to Hell

In life, I didn’t do so well

I stole a bunch of people’s things

Just some ugly diamond rings

Just this necklace wrought with gold

Just some art, insanely old

I never did anything all that nefarious

I only stole somebody’s Stradivarius

The rest I took, I shouldn’t tell

Shoulda known that I’d end up in Hell

But then again, it’s not so bad

Cause, to my left, I see my dad.

Wearing the exact same suit he died in

Black like the car he used to ride in

Black like the mail he used to send

Figures Hell is where he’d end

Next to my dad, I see my brother Dean

The very best scammer the world had ever seen

Like no other that man lied

He did so till the day he died

I see my mom to my upper right

She killed a man on her final night

Next to her- my favorite aunt

Her crime- she stole an elephant

Then I spot my older cousin

A decent man for sure he wasn’t

At age twelve, he learned of arson

Such was the art of my cousin Carson

Next to him is my older sister

Jesus Christ, I really missed her

A Satanist ‘fore she was killed

Dear old Jenny must be thrilled

Though I wear in flames my scarlet letter

I start to feel a little better

Because really, Hell is nothing to fear

Not with my whole family here