You’re hilarious for thinking you could get through this. You're never going to play soccer again, let alone walk again.You’re worthless. “KATIE LET'S GO!” Then my daydream of self hate ended and I went back to reality. All Joe does is push me until I reach my breaking point . Then he expects me to smile and be happy when I accomplish another task on my road to recovery. I use to smile all the time before the accident. I never thought negatively about myself which is almost funny because now thats all I think about. I never smile. Why smile when my life isn't worth anything?
I guess you could say I was born to play soccer. Ever since I can remember, I had a ball at my feet and I was always playing soccer. At the age of 8, I was discovered by a youth development program that trained players for the national team. They followed me until I was 15, and that's when I went for my first official try-out for the Women’s National Team. Time seemed to fly right up to the night of the try-out. Surprisingly, I wasn't nervous one bit. I was confident and I knew I had to show the coaches of the National Team that I was the player they wanted for their team. That night I played the best soccer i've ever played in all of my 15 years of playing. I left the try-out with an offer. I was going to play with the Women’s National Team as a 15 year old. I felt as if nothing could go wrong in my life. But that was three years ago… Now i'm 18 years old and nothing in my life seems to go in my favor anymore. “KATIE ARE YOU WITH ME?” Joe questions as I zone out for the second time this session of physical therapy.
For the past three years, my life has consisted of physical therapy and a lot of sympathy cards.But of course, this all would've never  happened if me and my boyfriend never got it into an argument. The accident happened on  a warm summer night. The try-out for the National Team took place just one week earlier. I felt like nothing could go wrong in my life and I felt like I wanted to just let loose, so I went to an upperclassman party. My boyfriend at the time was a year older than me, so he went along with me. The party was packed full of drunk teens and that wasn't my scene because if I ever got caught drinking, I could lose so much. So after hanging out for a while, I told my boyfriend that I was done and I asked if we could just go back to my house. Of course he wanted to stay with his friends and at the time he had had a couple drinks. And he said some things that really hurt my feelings, so I told him I would just get a ride home from my ex (Adam) because I wanted to make him jealous. Of course nothing was going to happen between me and my ex. Regardless, Adam said he would and off we went. I double checked to make sure he was okay and didn't drink. On the way home I soon begin to realize that he had been drinking and he was definitely not in the right state of mind to drive me home. I asked him to pull over and I told him I would drive. I didn't care that I only had my permit, I wanted both of us to get home safe.He refused to have me drive and continued to testify that he didn’t drink.
Then it happened. A deer ran out in front of the car. I screamed in fear that we would kill an animal, but little did I know I could scream harder when he drove into the opposite lane to avoid the deer, and ended up running head on with another car. Thinking back now, I don't know why I tried harder to grab the wheel and turn back into our lane.  We were going 20 mph at the time and doctors said that if we were going any faster we both would have died. We were rushed to the ICU and that's where he died and I was announced paralyzed. Everyone tells me that I'm blessed for living, but guess what? At this point of my life, I'd rather be dead.
Every day I wake up depressed, wheel through school depressed, and go to physical therapy depressed. Never  smiling. Why smile when I was said to be walking now and I'm not? Why smile when the reason my parents split up is because of my paralyzation? My sister hates me because all my parents talk about is me with all my problems. If only I was gone then maybe my parents  would get back together and my sister would get attention and my bills maybe would stop rolling in.”KATIE YOU'RE ALMOST DONE… LET'S GO!” exclaims Joe.
“Katie where is your mind today?” asks Joe.
“Idk” I reply back.
Physical therapy is probably where I feel the worst about myself. Joe, who is very attractive and very young, is my physical therapist.I should be happy that he's hot and he works so hard with me to reach my goals, right? Guess what? I'm not. Physical therapy brings me to reality of my state of paralyzation. They said I should be walking by now. I’m not. I mean, I still struggle with the walking machine. Day in and day out, I come out with more negative thoughts about myself. But the same cycle through my mind… “You’re not strong enough”, “You will never be able to walk again”, and “Your soccer career is over”. I know Joe is suppose to push me to my limits because that's the only way i'm going to ever walk again. But, at this point in my life, I really see no point if soccer isn't being played by my own two feet.
“Katie your session is over…” Joe tells me, as he was logging on his chart my
Improvements. He tells me that i've come so far in my long journey to walking again. Yet, I don’t see it.
“Kid, are you ever going to get out of this day dream that you have been in all session?” Joe questions.
“Sorry” I muttered back as I continue to stare down at my legs in that awful wheelchair that I have to wheel myself around in day in and day out.
“Katie are you seeing a therapist?” questions Joe.
“Yeah… I see you everyday.” I exclaim back.
“I don’t mean a physical therapist” Joe laughs, “I'm talking about the therapist that you can tell your feelings to. I think it will help you with your mental strength in our sessions.”
“Eh, why don’t i just tell you my problems because I've tried the whole counselor scene and that doesn't work, nor does telling your best friend anything either because she simply can't relate. I mean of course you can’t relate either but you have probably see many cases of me come through your doors.” I stated.
“Okay” joe said, seeming to like the idea. So from that day on, every session of physical therapy seemed to consist of a little less of me day dreaming the whole time and a little more ranting to Joe. I would tell him about school, boys, funny stories about the struggles with my wheelchair, and other random stuff. Every day seemed to get a little easier because I was actually focusing on other topics besides my self-hate daydreams that consumed my head for so long.
After the accident, my best friend(Natalie) and my boyfriend really seemed to try to comfort me with presents and love. Then I fell into a deep, dark hole, which I call depression and they bailed. They both claimed that they thought it would be better if I didn't have to worry about relationships along with my paralyzation, so they left me stranded and it seemed like they took everyone that was close to me with them too. So right now in my life, Joe almost serves the purpose of my best friends that I spent so many years of my life with.
Now that I think about it, a month ago physical therapy was the worst place for me both mentally and physically because at least at school and at home people would get off my back. But now that I have Joe in my life, its liking having my best friend back again. Physical therapy is my escape. Although the physical toughness never let up, since day one, mentally I am in a different place.
“Hey Katie, would you want to go out with me and my friends after physical therapy on Friday? I mean if you have something already planned just tell me now but I want my friends to meet my bestie that I waste 4 hours with every afternoon.” Joe asks while he stares into my eyes. I Joe asking me out? Does he want his friends to meet me because he talks about me to them? What does this mean? We are only 4 years apart so it's not like it's anything crazy, I guess I just never thought about Joe in that way.
“I mean i'll have to check with my assistant because I usually get really booked on Fridays with all the parties I get invited to because of all my friends and how popular I am… So i'll have to get back to you on that” I giggled… *2 seconds later* “My schedule seems to be clear. Yes I would love to meet your friends.”
“Wow can’t believe you found time for me *He touches heart and stares into my soul* , you are truly special” Joe exclaims and we both just burst out in laughter.
The week seemed to go by in record speed and before I knew it it was Friday’s session of physical therapy. If i do say so myself, I kicked major A#@ that session, which put me in one of the best moods I've been in since the accident. Although after therapy a nasty, sweaty mess, I still through and my cutest shirt and best pair of leggings and off we went.
The night seemed as if a blur but I had the time of my life. Mind you, I haven't gone out with friends in god knows how long, so the fact that I even went out with people besides myself and my parents is a miracle. We laughed about childhood memories and they shared crazy college stories with me. I'm not sure at the time if I noticed it, but now that i look back to the night. I was happy with where I was at. Never once did I get treated differently because I was paralyzed, I genuinely smiled that night and man did it feel good. Ever since that night I made a mission for myself… I was going to walk again, maybe even play soccer.
Physical therapy was different now. At the beginning of this long journey, it was hell. Then, Joe made it a place to vent and work hard at the same time. Now, it’s business. Nothing will stop me until I walk with my own two feet again.
Days go by… Weeks go by… One year goes by…  Then two days after, my goal was completed. I just burst into tears, nothing but a smile spread across my wet face. Joe smiled at me and gave a little chant. I was walking again. I mean it only took me 4 years to reach a point that they said it would be 2, regardless,  IM F@#$&* WALKING!
“I knew you had it in you” Joe cheered!
At this moment in time I felt as if nothing could go wrong. My walking only got better with time and running did as well. My legs were functioning normal and almost perfectly. Joe and I, as time grew on, became closer and closer. One day we just finished a session of physical therapy and he was telling me how proud he is of how far I have come.Then it happened… Our eyes met and no one looked away, we just stared intimately at each other in pure silence and then he leaned in and kissed me. Short and sweet, but like fireworks in my soul.
“What’s your name and age” asked the lady at registration.
“Katie Scott and 20 years of age” I said. Just as I finished speaking the lady looked at me dead in the eyes and said, “You are one ---- of a fighter, go prove to everyone how possible the impossible is”.
As I walked out onto the field I felt at home. I knew what I had to do that night and I did just that. Yet again, I left the National Team tryout with a spot on the team and life could not be any better.