you were the man i was supposed to love first

but you were the first man to break my heart

many men (and women) came after you

but you were never there, barely from the start

you were supposed to hold me

console me when i was hurt

but you never loved either of us

we were the equivalent to dirt

so why do i want to see you?

why do i want your love?

why do i miss the thought of you,

when i was never thought of?

you chose cheap glass

and addictive rocks

over your son and daughter

and gave zero f*cks.

i craved your attention

when i was small

waiting to hear from you

and never receiving a call

causing bruises and scars

and a life time of trauma

to the only parent who loved us

to my beautiful mama

she fought you through every step

through every drug

through every punch and insult

bet you saw yourself as a badass thug

but you’re nothing to be proud of

you’re nothing to love

so don’t pretend you wanted us

with a smirk so snug

she didn’t take us away

she didn’t keep us from you

you had so many chances to hold us

and acted on very few

so again i ask

why do i miss you?

why do i care?

why do i want my father,

how could i even dare?

the amount of issues because of you

caused mountains of despair

we were only children

none of this life is fair

but i miss my dad

these fleeting moments used to be few

but now i can’t stop thinking

what it’d be like to know you

i know it’s not you who i miss

these feelings i’ve fought

for far too long because i know

what i miss is just the thought

the thought of having a father

to love me through thick and thin

to leave your children for drugs

is the most disgusting sin

i don’t miss YOU

these thoughts are always a bother

i just miss the feeling i never had

of having a loving father.