when I was four, I was crossing the road

but you weren't holding my hand

no

you pulled my hair to hold me back form running out in front of that car

Mommy

Mommy, Mommy

do you know that looking back now your little girl  would have loved to get hit by that car

that your little girl is damaged and scared

Mommy, Mommy

I want to drift off to Neverland

praying to Peter Pan

because if God was here, why hasn't he taken away my hurt?

Mommy, Mommy

did you know

that there was a time I wouldn't step foot in a church

because I was in love with her

the kind of love that you say is a phase

because I don't mind my bras laced

hair long, dresses

Leviticus  18:22

"You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination."

And when she broke my heart

Mommy

You didn't dry my tears

no

you were upstairs

Mommy, Mommy

Remember all the times you left me at home?

You didn't know that back and forth I would roam the corners of my room

I would get so shook up I couldn't catch a glimpse of oxygen

Anxiety had grips at my hips

to the point I needed to escape, so don't you dare get angry for me always being in my bedroom

my comfort zone

Mommy, Mommy

you don't know what went on when I was alone

How my showers turned into cages

and when I got out I wouldn't know if I was dripping liquid from the water out of the shower head or if it was the water leaked out of my baby blue eyes

Mommy

you don't know how bad it hurt me

when you grabbed my thighs, shaking them like a bowl of jello

how much masacara poured onto my pillow that night

or when you could connect the dots on my legs from my mosquito bites,

you never miss the opportunity to play.

I started skipping meals. I stopped wearing skirts.

but Mommy, Mommy

I will say thank you

because when I have kids I know what not to do.