To the boy who made my world beautiful,

I still remember when you first came to California, halfway through our freshman year. We never talked, and you probably thought I didn't care at all about you. But that's anything but true. I wanted to talk to you with all my heart, but whenever I would finally gather the courage, I would chicken out and then spend the rest of the day hating myself for being such a coward.  Ever since I first saw you in Sunday School, and then in PE, I wanted to introduce myself to you, to get to know you, to become your friend, because I know that it's not easy to move to somewhere completely new and start all over. But as days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and my shyness continued to get the best of me, I realized that I'd lost that opportunity. You were, and still are, so, so incredible. Every day I would become more and more infatuated with you. One day, I finally mustered enough courage to friend you on Facebook. Seeing that notification pop up on my computer screen that you had accepted my friend request made me extremely happy. To my surprise, I found out that I was your first "California friend" on Facebook, which made me even happier. Not long after that, we started playing a new game in PE-- some sort of flag-football/tag/soccer sort of thing. I was absolutely elated when I was put on your team. For the entire duration of that PE unit, I would come to class pumped up and so excited to watch you demonstrate your amazing athletic ability first-hand. I spent those two weeks working as hard as I possibly could, exerting every ounce of my energy to play my best. I'm not athletic at all, but for once in my life, I enjoyed getting all exhausted and sweaty during PE, because you made me want to achieve things I never thought I could do. We made a good team. Out of our team of 10 or so people, there were only about 4 of us who actually made an effort, and I was honored to be one of them, along with you.  It seems ridiculous looking back on it now, but those were some of the best moments of my entire freshman year. That unit came and went, and we were never placed on the same team again. But I continued to swoon at your athletic ability during PE and at your spirituality during Sunday School. I'm forever awed at how you so effortlessly, so beautifully weave emotion, humor, and fantasy into your art and music. You have no idea how talented you are. I marvelled at how much you excelled at everything compared to me. I did nothing that year. I was part of our school's failed attempt at a debate team, but that was it. Other than my good grades, I was nothing. That made me realize that I was way out of your league. You have so many talents-- music, art, sports, and so much more-- and you deserve someone better than me. You really inspired me to become much more involved the next school year, but early that May, I discovered that I was moving. I would finish my freshman year and then head off across the Atlantic Ocean with my family for two long years, not knowing if I'd ever see you again. I was heartbroken, but I made up my mind to enjoy every remaining moment of my freshman year. I resolved to get you to sign my yearbook on the last day of school. That never happened. I came to class on the last day of school ready to get your signature, but you weren't there. "He'll be here soon," my best friend reassured me. I waited. But you didn't arrive. I was crushed. But don't get me wrong, I'm not mad. You didn't do anything wrong, and I overreacted. It's been 5 months since that day, and I still miss you more than ever. I would do anything to rewind back to the start of second semester and do everything right. I wish that I could go back in time and introduce myself and be there for you like I should have been. But I can't. So I just want to say I'm sorry, and I do care. I'll always care.

Love,
a shadow from your past