I am sitting in bed with my laptop open and I am holding back tears as I attempt to “recover” in zoom therapy. Our session only started six minutes ago, but it feels like an eternity. I’m here because I did this to myself. One too many runs, one too many unrealistic expectations, one too many minutes spent aimlessly scrolling Instagram and I have unconsciously internalized the not-so-subtle message about beautiful perfection. Now, I’m lost. Stuck in my own head, in a cycle of guilt and shame that pushes all sense of comfort or security away. Clutching at the straws of power, but they are falling through my fingers. Hitting the ground until I am left with just one: food. That is why I am here. My therapist is teaching me how to bend down and carefully pick up each straw. One by one. A painfully slow, painful process. Luckily, she nor my family have left me alone. Surrounded by love, lengthy hugs, and honest encouragement that do not numb the pain but rather, make it bearable.

                                                                             Heart so heavy it hurts

                                                                             thank you for coming to save me

                                                                             alone was too hard