I have been asked to speak to the Department of Athletic Supervision this evening due to recent controversies regarding athletes and their behavior. All I can contribute to you is simply that there is no “I” in team…but there is no “us” either. So thank you for giving me this opportunity to speak to all of you.

First of all, remember that no matter what people have told you, sports are not about “teamwork”. Whether it’s a game such as tennis, football, or soccer, you must always put yourself above the team. No one ever got ahead by helping others; the only way you can succeed is through trampling of the backs of your teammates. Helping others may seem like the right, altruistic, thing to do but it will only hurt in the long run. Forget about your friends; they’ll only hold you back.

Secondly is a piece of advice that has been invaluable for me, and for a great majority of the population. Cheat. The times of chivalry and honesty have long passed, cunning deception is the new art of warfare. Whether this means sneaking a hit to member of the opposite team, using illegal equipment, or even bribing the referees, winning is winning. No matter what.

My third piece of advice is this; use anabolic steroids. People argue that it is unfair, dangerous even. I say that steroids help you reach your highest potential. They’re only mere stepping stones to athletic glory. Is there anyone here who objects to the following statement? “All iconic names in athletic history, Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan, Muhammed Ali, all of them would have performed better if they had taken steroids. Hell, some of them might have already and that’s why their names are remembered up to this day as athletic demigods.

My last piece of advice to all of you is this, remember that no matter what you do, no matter how far you go in your career, it is, and always will be about the money. Don’t spend it wisely, that’s the fool’s way. After all, you cant achieve international fame or excel in a sport without taking some risks or rewarding yourself right? Besides, as a famous saying goes “you only live once”. So why wouldn’t you use your money when you’re young, in great shape, and energetic? Go crazy, drink alcohol, hell, go and do drugs while you’re at it. Enjoy life for all the right reasons and by doing all the right things.