You Think You Deserve It


The movie Bully, shows the abuse kids suffer, but it can’t show what the kids are really feeling. It can’t explain what bullying does mentally and emotionally. Bullying isn’t something simple, that can just be laughed off or ignored. It’s more than just mean words and physical abuse. Bully can be the looks you get when you walk into a room, the feeling of not belonging that’s always close by. It goes deeper than most people realize. The damage that bullying does builds and builds, until it eventually becomes a part of you, a constant reminder that you aren’t good enough and don’t belong.

I know the affects bullying can have. I still live with them today, despite not being bullied as much anymore and having friends that accept me. Bullying isn’t something as simple as being hurt or sad because someone said something mean or hit you. At first you just try to brush it off, you tell yourself it isn’t true, that maybe it’s just harmless teasing. Then it sinks its claws in deeper and deeper. After a while it develops into a sick, dark hatred. You tell yourself it’s them that you hate; you hate them because of what they’ve said, because of what they have done to you. But the truth is, the thing you really hate, is yourself.

You hate yourself because you believe everything that they’ve told you. You can’t look in the mirror without feeling disgusted, hating what you see. The hatred consumes you, the darkness in you grows and you lose yourself in the hate. You convince yourself that you deserve it; why else would they do what they do? Why else would they hurt you? It’s your fault because you’re not good enough, or you’re not worthy of being happy. So you have to try harder and harder, you silently beg to be accepted. But no matter what, it’s never good enough to beat the hatred, to stop the looks you get, to stop the hurtful words.
The damage gets to the point you just go numb, feeling nothing but the hatred because you’ll never be good enough. You pull back away from everyone and you close your mouth, scared to speak up, to do anything that might be wrong. The fear makes you quiet because you’re scared of doing something that will make others look at you with that familiar look of disdain that just reminds you how worthless you are. You can try and fight, you can tell yourself you hate them for everything they’ve put you through, but deep down, and you just want them to accept you. You want everyone to accept you, your parents, your friends, your peers. You push yourself, always trying to be good enough for them, trying to change yourself so you fit in, so you are accepted. You lose yourself behind the masks you put up; hoping one of them will be what everyone wants to see.
It’s a vicious process, filled with pain, filled with the urge to give up. After you’ve lost yourself behind the masks, it’s hard to find yourself again. Giving up seems like the only choice, the only way to give everyone exactly what they want. “If I die, they’ll be happy, I’ll finally have done something good enough,” is the kind of things you think. You reach a place so deep, so dark; there may not be a way out. Your own mind tears you down again and again; you become your own bully, your own worst enemy. You hate yourself. And the worst part is, you think you deserve it all.