I’ll admit it: at one time, I had an unhealthy obsession with the Twilight Saga. Those were the most interesting three days of my life. Alas, my obsession died when I began to research vampire lore in hopes of finding some shred of similarity between the bronze-haired heartthrob I loved so much and traditional vampires. Insert chirping crickets here.

My problem was simple: when I compared what I knew of vampires and what I’d seen of Edward Cullen, I realized that they simply didn’t match up. Like Bella during Twilight, I began to ask myself what the enigmatic and perfectly pale hero really was.

Through hours of research, three cups of coffee and an accumulation of many, many web addresses in my cache, I discovered the truth about Edward Cullen. Hold on, Spider Monkeys, because the truth about Edward just may leave you in the dust. Pixie dust, that is. These are the reasons I firmly believe Twilight’s author typed “vampire” when she meant “fairy,” in order to protect poor old Tink and Petey.
1)
Vampires don’t PMS. Now, before you say that fairies don’t, either, take a look at Tinkerbell’s behavior towards Peter in the Disney movie. Mmhmm. Just what I thought.
2)
An entire wall of the Cullens’ house is made out of glass… Just like a lantern.
3)
Edward Cullen has been thriving off of the energy of his loyal fangirls. Much like a fairy grows brighter at the words, “I do believe in fairies,” so does Edward Cullen at the words, “OMG! He’s sooo hot!”
4)
He looks stunning in green, which, along with his copper hair, was inherited from his father.
5)
Our fine Mr. Cullen is extremely jealous.
6)
He’ll never, ever grow up.
7)
Kissing is a new concept to him.
8)
He frequently frolics in a meadow
9)
He’s rumored to wear a cashmere sweater on occasion, a fact that SCREAMS “fairy,” in every form of the word.
10)
I’ve got to be traditional here: it’s the sparkling. I don’t know if he’s born with it or if it’s Maybeline, but our glistening hero is supposed to burn to cinders, not compete with chandeliers and disco balls nationwide. There’s a trait from his mom’s side if I’ve seen one.

There you have it. Nobody but Tink and Peter know what happened that night in Neverland, but the public is smarter that our dear fictional friends give us credit for. It’s blatantly obvious that Peter Pan and Tinkerbell never really grew up. If they had, perhaps they would have done a better job hiding their sordid history than selling it to the masses as a teen novel and (subsequently) a multi-billion dollar movie franchise.