You make me feel like it’s all my fault. You left me hanging on a loose end. You messed up my life and you’re not here to make it better. When you said you’ll be there when I needed you to be there, then where are you now? When you said that you’ll never leave my side, where are you now? When you said that nothing can break us apart, why did you leave me be? Why did you promise things that you can’t keep? Why did you messed up my already-messed-up life? I didn’t need you to be there when I cried. I didn’t need you to be there when I was alone. I didn’t need you to be there to tell me I’m alive. I was already hurt and broken even before you came. Why did you have to come into my life and make it worse? Why did you even bother telling me that you liked me if you were just going to leave me, torn? I mended those tears when you said you liked me. I opened my heart for you. I tried my best to treat you however you liked. I admired you, I looked up to you, I liked you. I didn’t think it was a mistake for knowing you. But I knew it was a mistake since the first day you said you liked me. It was wrong. It was wrong of me to tell you I appreciated you as a friend. It was wrong of me to actually give you a chance to mend my scars. It was wrong of me to let you be there and make all that stupid nonsense promises that I know you’ll never keep. Remember how on 29th of June, we were texting and talking about our school life and about our old primary school? Remember when I told you I was crossing the streets to a shop to buy my clothes for the upcoming holiday? Remember when I said you were cute, charming and all that stuff I said you were? Remember that it was the first day we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend because you asked me to be your girlfriend and I asked you to call? It was 11.15 in the morning when you asked me. It was when my mother and elder sister were staring at me when I picked up the phone when you called. You were my first and I wanted you to be my last. But unfortunately, you are not my last. And you never will be my last. You will just be my first. We were best of friends and I ruined everything. I ruined it by telling you I loved you as my friend. I ruined it when I told you I’d be your girlfriend. I ruined it when I sent those letters through school competitions, simply by saying “Hi”. I ruined everything and it’s all my fault. It is undoubtedly my fault and you know that. You knew I had a crush for that one guy for almost 6 years. You knew that I was crazy and obsessed with him. You knew that I was screwed up. You were my best friend for god’s sake. You were there when I cried. You listened to me crying and getting mad. You knew what to say during those times. You said just the right things. I knew it was a mistake to let you be my boyfriend. It was a mistake, but it was not yours. It was mine. I forced myself to like you. I forced myself to make you feel like I liked you. I forced myself to believe in you. I forced myself to be okay with whatever we were. What I don’t understand is, why? Why did you like me? Why did you even bother experimenting on me? Why did you notice how badly I needed attention? Why did you give me that attention? I wasn’t worth liking for. I wasn’t worth anything. I’m nothing but a girl who has a messed up life and messed up emotions. When we were together, you made everything look easy. You made me feel safe. You made me feel secure. You told me I didn’t need to be beautiful because I’m already beautiful in the inside. And that automatically makes me beautiful outside. But you don’t get it, do you? Society these days don’t really care if I’m beautiful inside. They care about my face, my clothes, my smile. They care about what you don’t care. Don’t you get that it flatters me when you said I’m beautiful inside and out. Don’t you know that every time I get upset or sad or even when I feel suicidal, even the thought of you made me calm? You were the reason I smile every time I wake up. You were the reason I didn’t give up on my studies. You were the reason I was happy at school. You were the reason I wanted to be a better me. I get that you were doing the right thing for both of us. But can’t you wait for the right time? Three days before school ends is not the right time. It was the wrong time because I was so close to the window that I might just have jumped out of it. Three days before we went back home was not the right time. I was barely paying attention in class. You were a distraction. You were just another guy in my head, messing with my heart. You were just another “best friend”. It hurts to say that you were just another person not giving a damn about me. I changed a lot when we were together. I changed because I wanted you to like me. I changed and became a better me. Now all that I am is just another messed up girl with her messed up life. You were worth the mistake though. You are the one mistake that I’ll never forget. Remember on 25th July, you bought us bus tickets and we went back home together? That was something, huh? You treated me dinner even though you didn’t have enough money. You walked me around because I hadn’t been there before. You were teased by your seniors and juniors and even your friends from school but you didn’t care because you said all that mattered at the time, was us being together. You sat next to me in the bus and I sat next to the window. The only thing in between us was an armrest. It was cold indeed but thankfully, I had my varsity on. You were only wearing your short sleeved shirt without your jacket. But you said you were fine as long as I wasn’t cold. When I went to sleep later on, in the bus, next to you, I realized that it wasn’t a dream. You were really there, right beside me, looking at me fall asleep. You made me feel unconditionally safe. The last thing I saw when I closed my eyes, were your eyes staring at mine, watching them slowly shut. The next thing I know, it was already dark outside the bus and when I turned to my left, you were asleep. I poked you in the arm but you didn’t wake up. Before I tried to wake you up again, I just stared and looked at your face. Your cheeks were undoubtedly puffy and your face looked very tired. Your eyes were shut fully and your mouth was in a straight perfect line. You don’t know how long I waited to see that peaceful face. When I came back to my senses, I tried poking you again but you really were tired and asleep. I wanted to leave you asleep but I was getting hungry. I didn’t want to eat without you. So, I tried to wake you up again but this time, I pulled on your shirt and called out your name as quietly as I could. When you finally opened your eyes, they were red and tired. You said hi and I just smiled. Your mouth carved a perfect smile upon your face and asked me the time. I told you it was 7.30 in the evening while you rubbed your eyes. We then adjusted ourselves on the seats and took out the food. This is something I didn’t tell you. When I handed you your water, I didn’t remember which one was mine and which one was yours. And when I wanted to drink again, I might have possibly drunk yours instead of mine. I am truly sorry for that. But anyways, after finishing our dinner, we just sat there and talked as quietly as we could in the dark cold bus. I sat right below your mouth and rested my face on the armrest near your arm. I smelled the faint smell of some kind of soap and I saw your lips move every time you said something. It was the closest we’ve ever been to each other. The top of my head was exactly above your mouth. I wanted to hug you and feel your warmth on my hands but alas it was against the rules. I really would just leave the story to that part because it was the best night of my entire life. You gave me your word when you said you’re always in my heart. You gave me your word when you said you’ll never make me cry. But words are nothing compared to actions, right? If you’re wondering how I am right now, I’ll simply tell you I’m feeling okay. But you should know better the difference between feeling okay and being okay. The reason I’m writing this is simply because I want to let you go. I made a huge mistake. I changed my life and I know that I’ve changed yours. I was to blame and me only.

Thank you for all the good things you’ve done. Thank you for making me feel happy. Thank you for your nice words. Thank you for the great times we had together. Thank you for the sweet memories. The sour memories are just the days when you had to put up the courage and break up with me. But I don’t want it to be sour. Put in some sugar and make it sweet, will you? Forget all the tears I’ve shed that night. Forget all the things I’ve said that hurt you in some way. Forget me and I know it helps. Thank you for knowing when I cried and when I needed you. Thank you for supporting me through my ups and downs. Thank you for making me feel safe. Thank you for the nice things you said. And thank you for the promises you will never keep. You were my best friend, you were my boyfriend, you were mine, and now you’re just another person who walked out of my life.