18 February 2015

Dear Recipient,

You are receiving this letter because you have expressed interest in working for MEP Corporations.

At MEP Corporations, we understand the importance of treating women in the workplace as equals to men, and we want your time here to run as smoothly as possible. It is, therefore, in your best interest that you understand our Realistic Terms and Conditions for Women before embarking on your journey with our firm. These expectations will quickly clear up any confusion you may have regarding your role in the workplace. We look forward to working with you.

Sincerely,

Taylor Scott
Director of Employment

1 MEP Corporations stands for the values and expectations of businesses across America. We strive to be the best representation of the statistics and stereotypes imposed upon women because we want to provide you with the utmost American experience.

2 Notice how easy this name is to pronounce. If your name is too unique, we may refrain from hiring you or ask you to use a nickname.

Realistic Terms and Conditions for Women

This contract of employment is between MEP Corporations (Employer) and Ms / Mrs ________________ (Employee) on _______ (date) under the terms and conditions of employment below:

I. Dress Code

We expect the women in our workplace to dress modestly4. Your attire should be a reflection of our professional and respectable corporation. Long sleeved and knee-length clothing is preferred. However, according to a study conducted by professor and labor-economist Daniel Hamermesh, “since beautiful women tend to be paid more, they have more incentive to stay in the workforce” (Tucker). We ask that you take this fact into consideration when selecting your clothing, doing your makeup, and eating all meals, as it will help with your clients in the long run. Low-cut shirts and taller heels are surely not discouraged. But be careful about finding the right balance: too much skin will draw negative attention from males in the office and may lead women to calling you names like “s***” and “skank.” MEP wishes to give you your utmost freedom, so we strongly suggest your skirt hem measure between 24 and 24.5 inches.

II. Sexual Relations 

According to the International Labour Organization, you have a 54% chance of being sexually harassed at work; therefore, it is for your safety that we enforce strong policy against relationships and/or sex in the workplace (AWARE). For the success of our company as a whole, we ask that if an incident does occur, you keep it within private disclosure. Because when “factoring in unreported rapes, only about 2% of rapists will ever serve a day in prison,” it would be illogical to bring down the entire working body for an incident that will most likely never see the light of day (“Reporting Rates”). The best way to avoid said situations is to not provoke sexual harassment of any kind.

Please avoid drinking at any social gatherings, as “one in twelve people believed rape victims are to blame if they were drunk” (Whitehead). But even if you do refrain from drinking, “50 percent of perpetrators said that the victim was completely responsible,”5 so for your safety, it is just best to avoid all work-related, social gatherings in general (Ybarra, PhD and Mitchell, PhD).

3 Technically, it is illegal for us to require a dress code that is unequal to that of men, but technically, it is very hard to prove that we are requiring more of women, and the legal feat is practically unheard of in America.

4 The connotation of modest is constantly changing, so please follow closely to the recommendations outlined. If you find them confusing, do not stress: many women become overwhelmed with the seemingly contradictory expectations, so you can feel better knowing you are not alone.

5 MEP finds these statistics are a manifestation of American values, and thus, a vital part of maintaining our name and your interest—the two are highly congruous.

III. Benefits

Because you are a woman, we expect that you will most likely have children during your time with our business. In the likelihood that this will happen, we are proud to inform you that while, according to the International Labour Organization, America is “the only industrialized nation not to mandate paid leave for mothers of newborns” (Hall and Spurlock), California makes it so that you can be eligible for up to six weeks of leave “for about 55% of your average weekly income” (White). And because we care about your best interest, we hope to eventually provide you in the distant future with 100% of pay for at least twelve weeks like very few countries are doing now—Brazil, China, France, Germany, Netherlands, India, Indonesia, Mexico, Russia, South Korea, Spain, and only a few more (Hall and Spurlock).

IV. Salary
We are a Republican affiliated corporation, and we wish to hold fast with traditional views. Thus, we agree with the prominent Republican figure Phyllis Schlafly when she says, “while women prefer to HAVE a higher-earning partner, men generally prefer to BE the higher-earning partner in a relationship;” therefore, “if [the so-called pay gap was eliminated], simple arithmetic suggests that half of women would be unable to find what they regard as a suitable mate” (Schlafly). In other words, women are attracted to men that receive higher pay; men want women that earn less, and MEP wants you to live the most fulfilling life possible. As a result, it is in your best interest that you will be paid ¾ of the dollar, simply staying consistent with today’s standards and America’s traditions.

This contract holistically represents American6 expectations and values, and should clarify any confusion you may have regarding a woman’s role in the workplace.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, this agreement has been signed on the day and year first written above.

EMPLOYEE _______________________________

EMPLOYER _______________________________

WITNESS _________________________________

6 Remember that it is our priority to provide you with the utmost American experience.

7 If you are still confused, feel free to contact us at 123-456-7890. But please note that each factor was determined with your best interest, keeping in mind the importance of treating women in the workplace as equals to men. And remember that some confusion is normal, but you are not alone.

Works Cited

AWARE. “Statistics.” Association of Women for Action and Research. AWARE, n.d.
Web. 9 February 2015.
Hall, Katy and Chris Spurlock. “Paid Parental Leave: U.S. vs. The World (Infographic).”
Huffington Post. The Huffington Post Inc, 4 February 2013. Web. 9 February
2015.
“Reporting Rates.” Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. RAINN, n.d. Web. 9
February 2015.
Schlafly, Phyllis. “Facts and Fallacies About Paycheck Fairness.” The Christian Post.
The Christian Post, 15 April 2014. Web. 9 February 2015.
Tucker, Abigail. “How Much Is Being Attractive Worth?” Smithsonian Magazine.
Smithsonian, November 2012. Web. 9 February 2015.
White, Mary Gormandy. “California Maternity Leave.” LoveToKnow. LoveToKnow Corp,
n.d. Web. 9 February 2015.
Whitehead, Tom. “One in 12 say rape victims are to blame if they are drunk or
flirtatious.” The Telegraph. Telegraph Media Group Limited, 7 February 2013.
Web. 9 February 2015.
Ybarra, L. Michelle, PhD and Kimberly J. Mitchell, PhD. “Prevalence Rates of Male and
Female Sexual Violence Perpetrators in a National Sample of Adolescents.”
Jama Pediatrics. American Medical Association, December 2013. Web. 9
February 2015.