I’m 16 years old. At an age where most feel like rebellion, dyeing their hair whatever color their parents hate, or not responding to texts, I don’t. I love my parents. I have always known that they weren’t perfect, but they have always tried their best. They got the most important things right. When I thought more and more about my childhood so far, these are the five cardinal rules that I think are the most important things for all parents to live by.

 1. Encourage your kid not to say can’t - I want to say this from an abundance of experience. I have hearing impairment, a balance disorder, dyslexia[1] and ADD. We all know the cheesy Henry Ford quote “If you think you can or think you can’t you’re right.“ Well, it has been proven in a study by the University of Javan; kids with higher self-efficacy have a higher grade point average. (Fahlon Saad).
    I struggled with balance as a little kid. I have two older brothers who are really athletic and as a result, I wanted to play soccer, basketball, baseball, and every sport I saw them doing. I did - it was hard - but I did. I went through 7 years of physical therapy to be able to walk and balance normally and worked with my parents at home on things that other kids had no problem doing, like walking, running, kicking a ball, and jumping rope. When I was four, my mom first told me something that I still find useful, “Never say ‘I can’t.’ Say ‘I won’t,’ because you can jump rope, but you won’t.” I started to apply that to everything in my life. Now I play travel soccer and school tennis and read an average of six books a week. I believe in what Vincent Van Gogh said, “If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."

2. Don’t compare your kids - whether it’s with the neighborhood kids or siblings, because your kids are 100% different from any other kid. It’s ok to be competitive with other parents, but not with your kids. Kids need freedom to figure out who they want to be. They need to know that they don’t have to be just like you all the time. There were parents at my school like this and most of the kids avoided (let’s be honest, feared) them like they were ogres. Comparing your kid to other kids is like telling your kid that they’re not enough. Don’t tell them that. The world will tell them that plenty.
3. Be there when it matters - because that’s what they’ll remember. My parents came to pretty much all my games. Whether it was tennis or soccer or anything else they’d cheer me on like there was no tomorrow. I have always appreciated that. If I made a good play they’d be there cheering me on and telling me what a good job I did, or if I did badly, letting me talk over what I did wrong and giving me advice on what to practice.
4. Don’t forget your own childhood. We’re all kids at heart. Even if we lie to ourselves that we should not be excited about ice cream as adults because we have diets and plans. We all secretly still scream for ice cream inside! Remember what you used to enjoy as a kid and try to replicate it for your kid. My parents both tried to keep nostalgic things from their childhood: pancake Sundays, forced walks in the woods, popping popcorn, and swimming. Try finding something fun to do with your kids!
5. Let them pick themselves up and encourage them to practice what they have trouble with. The chance of them falling might be scary for them and for you, but you have to let kids try new things - even if it makes you want to scream! Sometimes they’ll be successful, sometimes not, but either way they will learn from the experience. In 6th grade my parents let me try every sport available, including volleyball, a sport that doesn’t align very well with my balance disorder. My parents were VERY nervous, but let me do it anyway. I enjoyed it initially but by my second year, there were girls who were more experienced and uncharitable in their actions and remarks. I felt self-conscious about playing, and it just wasn’t fun for me anymore. I gutted out the season. But I figured out who I didn’t want to be and I tried to have empathy for those players. They were just kids, dealing with a lot of pressure from their bumptious parents, who would yell at them openly and contemptibly throughout the games. Looking back, I learned less about volleyball and more about how much kids are influenced by their parents.

Sources

Maier, S. F., & Seligman, M. E. (1976). Learned helplessness: theory and evidence. Journal of experimental psychology: general, 105(1), 3.

Al Demerdash, Fahlon Saad. "SELF-EFFICACY AS A PREDICTOR OF ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT AMONG MIDDLE SCHOOL STUDENTS."Jazan University, 2020.eric.gov,. files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1250644.pdf