Have you ever been to a place that is just super uncomfortable to be in? So uncomfortable that the atmosphere is tense that it’s to the point where it’s hard to breathe? Well, that’s how I feel every time I’m taken to this stupid therapist office. It’s just a really big intimidating building that has these weird automatic metal doors. I would imagine them in a prison, not a therapist office. Then, when you have a 30-year-old woman, with straight platinum blond hair and a big green eyes, wearing a nice knee-length blue dress and blue flats. Walk in with a teenage girl who is a bit shorter, with wavy brown to blond hair and gray-blue eyes. Wearing a black shirt with DEMONIC written in white letters across the chest and black ripped jeans. Then to top it all off, black combat boots. Well that’s a really weird sight, you know just adding on to the already weirdness that is of the building. Plus, the only reason I was even going to this stupid prison would be because according to my mother, sister, and boyfriend, I’m pushing everyone away, but I’m not trying to.
“Nicole, are you okay you’ve barely talked this whole ride?” My mother always tried to pry me open right before these therapy sessions and I honestly hated it. I practically hated the whole lesson itself. I have tried to tell her that but like most moms, she doesn’t listen.
I just wanted to be left alone but mom insists I talk to someone about my feelings. “I’m fine, mom I’m just tired of going to these appointments. I’ve told you that a million times,” I looked at her and let out a sigh “Besides, ever since Emra stopped being friends with me and dad passing away, I’ve been talking to someone about my feelings and you know that.” She looked at me right before opening the door to the waiting room and she glared at me.
“Your boyfriend doesn’t need to be your therapist when I take you to a professional one 3 times a week!” Mom snapped at me just like my older sister Sterling does any time I tried to prove her wrong. I rolled my eyes.
“I just wish you would talk to me about some of your problems instead of running to Jagger. You really need to stop pushing me away, Nicole.” I hate it when people tell me that I am pushing them away, Sterling and Jagger both tell me to stop pushing them away.
“Nicole Fitz?” My therapist asked. Well, today she was wearing a snow white pantsuit she had straight, long, brown hair with deep brown eyes. I could tell that she had been through something, but what- I couldn’t put my finger on. My mom tried to give me a little push but I batted her hand away. I walked into a medium sized room that had a three seater couch by a window and an armchair by a big shelf of therapy books.
The couches were both facing each other, Her desk was big and made out of oak wood, she had little pictures of her kids on the desk. One seemed about 6, maybe 7 with short blonde hair, blue eyes. Basically a jewish boy I guess...Where as my therapists other kid...Well she was the opposite of her brother. She had dark black hair with greenish/brown eyes, olive skin and well, she wore a white summer dress, which didn't quite seem right. From her appearance she seemed about my age, wouldn't want to meet her...she looked, more peculiar than I.
“If you will have a seat we can start,” I slowly walked over to the sofa by the window and sat down but I was not about to face this woman.
“I thought last time you were told to come in more suitable clothing?” She looked at my clothing, I glared at her.
“I was told to come in something comfortable, was I not?”
I snarled at her prodding at the woman who was my therapist, more like a prison guard. She gave me a brisk nod and just asked me the same questions she did last week, and just like last week I didn’t answer any of them. I was done with people trying to tell me how to do things and how I could cope with things when I didn't need that. I need someone to actually listen to me talk, but no one ever did besides Jagger, but I still never talked to him. I knew he would ask me questions that I really didn't want to answer.
When I decided enough was enough, I got up and walked out. I didn’t even look back at the prison as I walked to my moms’ car, where she was waiting.
“That was shorter than last week. Why?” Mom asked me her brows furrowed. I rolled my eyes, something I did often when talking to my mother.
”I hate going into that prison! All that woman does is ask me the same questions over and over again, she doesn’t even let me talk about my feelings Mom! Every time I go in there all she does is tell me not to dress in all black because it’s depressing!” I let out an aggravated sigh. Mom opened her mouth to say something but quickly closed it and we drove home in silence. As soon as she pulled into the driveway, I jumped out of the car, I hadn’t even waited for her to stop or turn off the car. I sprinted to the isolation and safety of my bedroom.
I had 2 missed calls from Sterling, 3 calls from Jagger, and 5 texts from him as well, I clicked on the first one;
“I understand that you are at therapy but I need to talk to you ASAP!”- Jagger
The next one was sent a couple of minutes after the first.
“Plz answer my calls we need to talk”- Jagger
“Nicole, you have been out of therapy for 5 minutes I know you have your phone”- Jagger
“Nicole, if you don't start answering me I will come over there”- Jagger
“That's it I am on my way over there, I’ll be there in a bit”-Jagger
He had just sent that last text, Jagger was nice and loving, yes but when I needed space he insisted to come over to my house, even though it was everyone including him that I wanted space from. Though I will never be able to say that to his face.
“Jagger, I am fine therapy was as usual plz don't come over my room is trashed”-Nicole
It was a lie. I knew he would see through me. My room was always clean no matter what.
“I am already in your driveway, Nicole. Stop pushing me away”-Jagger
It was times like these that I wanted to scream at Jagger, but it was also a time that I wanted him to hold me and whisper soft sounds into my ear. According to my therapist, this is completely normal after having someone close to you pass away. I never told her about this...what happens to me I don't even talk to the woman, but she says it's in the stages of grief that I would feel like this.
“I’m not pushing you away, Jagger, I just need some time to clear my head”- Nicole
“I gave you 3 months to clear your head, Nicole.” I spun around and saw Jagger was in the doorway staring down at me with his hypnotic mismatched eyes, one bright blue the other hypnotic green. His hairfallen in his face was white with bright blue tips. He was built a little like an athlete but he didn’t play any sports. He stood there in black jeans that were riddled with staples. A black POSSESSED shirt covered his chest, and of course his signature black Doc Martens. There was something that caught the light in his hair that I had never noticed before, a small skeleton head with the same hypnotic eyes Jagger possesses. My painter boyfriend was so mysterious it was as if I learned something new about him every day. Like how two days ago I figured out he used to live in Bucharest, Romania and that was why he had a slight accent.
”Please let me help you heal, ever since your dad past away and you were hit by that car I have done nothing but let you breathe and now I want to help you heal.”
I took a deep breath and before I knew it I was spacing out, thinking about that car that had hit me only seven months ago. Though it was difficult to forget saying to the fact that my legs and arms had scars all over them, my face had one scar going from the middle of my forehead straight down to the corner of my mouth then another scar going from the tip of my nose to my ear. I also have a bunch of tiny cuts all over my face but luckily I can cover those up with my foundation. The scars on the other hand, I have to deal with.
“Nicole, are you okay? You look a little paler than usual,” Worry was etched all over Jagger's’ face. I had just remembered that I was not wearing makeup because I washed my face which means that Jagger can see all of my cuts and the rest of my scars. I got up and walked over to my mirror and sure enough, there were a million little cuts on my face like I had tried to shave it and two big lines on both sides of my face starting and going two different places. Today they were a light purple and sometimes they would be white or blue even black sometimes but no, today they were light purple, which was very noticeable on my pale skin.
“Nicole, I don't care how you look you should know that by now. I still like you, even if you have a couple of scratches on your face, it just makes you look tougher.”
Jagger was now right behind me, normally a comment like that would have made me smile and hug him but today it just made me upset
“Do you think I want to look like this for the rest of my life? It's all because some jerk decided to not watch where they were going and hit me!” I turned around and stared up at Jagger saying to the fact that he was about six feet tall I had to actually look up at him. Guilt and rage flashed in his eyes but they were gone in seconds. He brushed the hair off my shoulder.
“Nicole, I can promise you that the person who hit you is paying for their crimes,” Then all of a sudden I saw the headlights, and everything went black.
*Flash Back*
I could barely open my eyes but they were open just enough to see a shadowy figure came out of the car
“Look what you did Max! Oh my god, it's Nicole! Max, we need to call Sterling!” I heard a scared voice say .
”Jagger, get in the car now we will call the police when we get home okay?” Max was threatening Jagger.
“Max, I am not just gonna leave Nicole here! how could you hit her? I told you to stop!” I felt someone pick me up and whispered soothing sounds in my ear right before Max said,
“Jagger, okay fine we will take her to the hospital alright?” I heard Jagger quicken his breathing.
“No, we can just call the police. I don’t want Nicole thinking I am responsible for this okay? Even though you're the one who’s responsible,”
*Flash back End*
Then it left just as it came. Suddenly. I was laying in Jaggers’ arms, on my bed, when my flashback left.
“Max did it,” I whispered as Jagger looked down at me. I got out of his arms and stood in front of him, my arms folded across my chest.
“Max was the one who hit me, and you were with him.” he looked at me and the rage and guilt in his hypnotic eyes had been replaced with sorrow and regret. He did not deny it. He couldn’t deny it, and I knew that. But of course he just looked at the floor muttering curse words under his breath. He finally looked back up at me
“Nicole. How much did you see?” he asked. The regret that had been in his eyes was now dripping into his voice.
“I saw and heard everything, Jagger. So there is no point in trying to deny anything. Why did you not take me to the hospital?!?!?”
He looked at me and his eyes were piercing right through and my knees went weak. Jagger got up and tried to steady me but I batted his hand away. I couldn't let him get to me like this. He looked at me in fear, I hated knowing he was scared of me but at the same time I loved knowing I made him scared.
“Nicole, I did not want you to think that it was my fault. I didn’t want you to know I was even apart of it that is why I told my Max to just call the police and say there was a girl that was hit by a car and that we didn’t have anything to do with it,”
He looked at me with sorrow etched on his face, guilt, and fear in his eyes.
I felt sorry for him but I knew that it was because his eyes were hypnotic and they had a way of making me feel that way. I looked at my bed. My gaze was anywhere but at Jagger, and of course that was the last place I needed to look. Finally I looked up at him and it was as if the memory of my father's death had come back. Before I knew it my breath escalated. My vision blurred and it seemed nothing was possible anymore. I was standing one moment, then on the floor curled into a ball, shaking and screaming uncontrollably the next. I knew what was happening, I was having a panic attack, Jagger has never been around me when I have had one so this was probably terrifying for him. This would be my seventh panic attack this month, but that wasn’t the scary part, the scary part was that if Jagger tried to help me or touch me I knew I would hurt him. I had done it to Sterling one time when she walked into my room while I was having a panic attack, she had tried to comfort me but all I did was kick and scream. All of a sudden a soft comforting voice filled my room.
“You know me the best you know my worst, seen me hurt but you don't judge”
It was the sound of my favorite song by Why Don’t We.
“That right there is the scariest feeling, opening and closing up I've been hurt so I don't trust no here we are starting at the ceiling,”
My screaming slowly quieted as I focused on the comforting voice, but there was something different about the way Jonah sounded.
“I've said those words before but it was a lie and you deserve to hear them thousand times if all it is is hated his why is it so hard to say if all it is is 8 letters then why am i in my way why do I pull you close and then ask you for space,”
It was as if there was another voice signing with him.
“Isn't it crazy when our hands Aline and your hands in mine it's like I'm whole again isn't that a sign I should speak my mind”
My shaking stopped and so did the screaming so I could hear who the voice was.
“I’ve said those words before but it was a lie and you deserve to hear them a thousand times”
It was Jagger. He was singing along, that was the reason I was comforted so fast. I slowly got up and looked around the room,
“Nicole, don’t push me away. I want to help you,” his voice was soft but, I couldn’t look at him anymore. I did not want to hurt him but at the same time, I couldn’t risk letting him out of my life. I scanned the room I looked at the picture of my dad on my nightstand and I wanted to go back to screaming. I knew I couldn’t, so I did something else, I did the only thing I could think of, I ran. Not sure where I was running but I was running somewhere far away from my house far, far away. I was done with everyone trying to tell me what to do. I just wanted a normal life and if running and starting over was how I was about to get that, then here I go. I had been running so long that is was I’m guessing 7. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, it was a text from Jagger.
“Nicole, please come back I want to help you if you will let me, please” - Jagger

“I can’t I need to get away from that house all that is waiting for me there is pain and misery, Jagger. I really don't want to hurt you but everyone in my life has found there way into danger and your next. if you want to help me then you will have to find me.” - Nicole
“I already have,” I whipped around and saw Jagger standing with his phone in his hand dangling at his side,
“How did you find me? I didn't hear your footsteps or your car,” I looked around at my surroundings and realized I was in the middle of the woods and from the looks of the sky it was about seven o’clock so I had been right. He looked at me with a mischievous smile on his lips.
”I sewed a tracking device into your jean pocket in case anything happened to you,” I didn't know whether to feel safe or violated so I just nodded. I really wanted to be angry at him but something inside of me just wanted to throw myself at him and hug him and never let go. So I met in the middle, I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, I gave him a small kiss before giving him a big hug. I took a small step back, my arms still wrapped around his neck, his around my waist
“Nicole, I am-” I put my finger on his mouth and shook my head. I didn’t want any mushy sorries. He smiled at me “Jagger, I am very sorry for pushing you away I promise I will never try and do that again,” He nodded and gave me a sweet kiss.
“Well, I am not sure how I got out here exactly but I do know that I would love to get out of here,” I could sense him looking down at me, his arm was around my waist and he hooked his finger through one of my belt loops and pulled so that I spun around and was facing his chest. He tilted my chin up so that I was looking at me. Our eyes locked, his hypnotic ones piercing through me they made my knees go weak and this time I let Jagger help me
“I know one way out of here but it won’t lead to your house. Like you said earlier all that is waiting there for you is pain and misery. I packed a bag for you it's in my car which is parked about two miles that way,” He pointed over my head and I could barely make out his midnight blue dodge charger. It was especially hard to do in the dusk.
“We are gonna go to my house where there is no pain and misery. I promise we will only go if you want to I won't make you do anything you don't want to do.” I thought about the good and bad things that could happen. If I didn’t go Jagger would probably want to stay at my house in case I had another one of those mega attacks. If I did go it would be an opportunity to get my mind off my dad but I would have to tell Sterr and Mom where I am and why
“Okay, Let’s go. But please don't pressure me to talk about my dad, I hate it when you guys do that. Both you and Sterling know that I have told you guys more than once.” He nodded slowly and began to drive to his house. I took my phone out of my pocket and sent a big text to Mom and Sterr.
“The memory of dad is in that house and it’s haunting I can’t handle it I need out I am going to be staying at Jaggers’. I promise I will go to therapy but not at that office. I will go to the counselor at school I love you guys please don’t freak out.”- Nicole.
I took a shaky breath and Jagger put his hand on my knee in reassurance.
“Okay sweetie, I love and please stay safe I hope you get better, sweetheart we love you.”- Mom
“Yes, Nics’ I love you stay safe. If anything happens to you on Jaggers’ watch I'm gonna be out for blood. Love ya lil’ sis.”- Sterling
“I Love you guys I'm not sure when I will come home but it might not be soon bye”- Nicole
I put my phone in the bag Jagger had brought and let out a shaky laugh. I took a deep breath and Jagger pulled into his driveway. I have only been to Jaggers once and It was a beautiful Victorian house on the outskirts of town, everything on the insides was antique. He led me to his room that was the same as last time he still had a black bed with black pillows, sheets, and comforter. He had a beat-up, black, bean bag chair that was in the corner with a dark blue guitar case that held a beautiful acoustic guitar. I felt safe in Jaggers’ arms as he held me in his bed, it as if nothing could hurt me. Right before I fell asleep I looked up at Jagger and asked him.
“Jagger, What's something you want to do before high school ends? Oh, um….What's something that you already have done?”
He turned his gaze to me and smiled,
“Something I want to do before high school ends is to tell you that I love you. Something I already have done is fallen in love with you.”
He gave me a small kiss and I was practically beaming, he has never told me that before and the fact that he did made me so happy. Slowly I began to relax as he whispered comforting words into my ear and softly played with my hair. Within minutes, I slowly drifted into a deep sleep, knowing when I woke up I would be able to spend every second of Saturday with him. As I let sleep take over I laid there thinking about how him and Sterling are right- I did push them away. Never again, I tell myself, never again.