She put on a new song I've never heard before. Cat and Mouse, by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Then we just sat, not talking, and drove for awhile. It was relaxing and Mara eventually fell asleep. The spot I was going was only on the other side of town, so it's not that far from where we were. I just took a little detour getting there. This scenery was much prettier and quieter. The city was so mundane and too superficial. So we went through the woods. The shadows created by dim sunlight emerging from the trees, grabbed the car like greedy childish hands. It was creepy but beautiful. I had to wake Mara up to witness it.
"Oh my," she looked in awe.
"Isn't it gorgeous?"
"Yes," she seemed mesmerized. Like the view put her into a trance.  

Silence again, but this time due to curiosity and wonder. Not sadness or awkward tension. The path we were driving down took ages but this wasn't a bad thing in our case. I enjoyed it and by the looks of her face, so did she. I think it took her mind off of things. I don't know how long it'll last, but in the meantime she wasn't as upset as before. I've decided to take this in small strides, can't fix something this serious in one day.
"It's the small things that matter," I stated.
"Mhm..." She mumbled.

The road finally reconnected us with the rest of the town. We headed to our familiar spot, our bench.
"I should've guessed." She half smiled.
It was pretty obvious she was still upset. "Hey I know today is hard for you. But I'm always here, ok?"
"I know, but you're always saving me. You always have."
"Good.  I'm glad I get that honor, Mara. I'm in love with you. I have been in love with you, for the past nine years might I add!"
"I just don't want to always be so lost and broken. You always have to help me with everything, especially lately. So I didn't wanna be annoying."
"You could literally never annoy me. Let's get that clear right now."
"You say that, but one day you'll get tired of me!"
"Never."
"That's a really long time."
"I know, and I'm not saying we're gonna be together forever. Although it'd be nice, I'm not that naive. But even after us, however long us might last, I'll still always be Drew Hollis. Your best friend and neighbor. Don't ever question that, I'm serious."
"Do you mean that?"
"Of course I do."
"Then thank you."
"Don't thank me yet. There's something I need to tell you."
"Yeah?"
"Well when you hit your head and first came home all tired, I kinda looked in your notebook."
"What, why!?"
"It just kinda happened, please don't be mad."
"That's personal stuff. I'm not mad I'm offended."
"It was wrong, I know. But why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell what?" She was getting a short temperature.
"That you had hidden talents! Writing, drawing. Mara it was good!"
"Exactly. Hidden talents!"
"I said I was sorry."
"Andrew! That stuff I can't even admit to myself! It's a dark journal, I don't like looking at it."
"Then why use it?"
"Because it's an outlet!"
"Well can I read it?"
"It's all very personal, so probably not."
"Are you serious?" I asked.
"Well yeah."
"Whatever." I scuffed.
"Fine. But please don't make it a big deal or anything. I don't even really wanna show you."
"But you're going to?"
"Yeah some stuff."
"I'll take what I can get."
"Good don't push it."
"Maybe I can even help you more?"
"You already help me more than enough honestly."
"You can't put a limit on somethings, help is one of them Mara."

*****
After our long but eventful night we went back to her house. She took me to her room and dug through a big pile of clothes. Honestly her room was so messy, you'd think there was no carpet under all of the various things hiding the floor. Once she rummaged for a good minute or so, she pulled out the strange looking book and sat on her bed. Then she motioned for me to come over too, so I did. We both began to look through the strange but diverse pages and she would  skip big chunks, but she was opening up. I wasn't about to push my limits. She warned me about that and I wasn't about to screw this up.

A lot of the stuff was about her mom she told me. So I understood that she wouldn't let me read those sections.
"How long have you been documenting your life in this?"
"Nine years." She answered. "The move was really hard on me at first, you knew that."
"Yeah." I looked at the floor. "I remember."
"So I started this book. But things got better for awhile then I just kept writing in the diary out of habit. You're in here a lot." She smiled.
"Really?"
"Of course!"
"Could I read?"
"Yeah, I guess that'd be ok. Just if its about my mom, please skip over it."
"I promise I will."

The entry read:
4-2-03
     I saw the really cute boy next door again. His name is Andrew Hollis, but I think I'll call him Drewey? He's very nice and even shared his lemonade with me. He's going to be my best friend. I can just tell.
Love,
Mara :)

The entry was childish in an innocent cute way. It definitely revealed a lot about how her attitude was back then. Just like the the entry, Mara was always frank, never shy about voicing her opinion.

"So you knew, even back then?" I asked.
"Of course I knew even back then! I had quite the crush on you, I still do."
"Well I'd hope so, we are dating," I laughed.
"Yeah that'd be pretty awkward if I didn't."
"Agreed ma'am."
"I liked you as soon as you came over the very first day and offered me a mud pie."
"I remember that!" I grew louder.
"You were so sweet but I slammed the door on you."
"Feisty even as a little 10 year old."
"I was just upset over moving and leaving my old friends. But i met the greatest friend ever and love of my life so it made up for it."
"That means a lot, thanks Mar."
I leaned in and kissed her. Our relationship status of boyfriend and girlfriend has obviously been very complicated and involved a lot of fights, but I just think back of how long I've longed for this. She's Mara Stein. I'd do anything for her.

Then it was at this very moment I realized that I had been defined. But I hadn't been given a label by the social pyramid of high school. I had fallen under a different spell, one that I gave my self. I wasn't just the boy next door crushing on the mysterious girl. I was the savior, I was the one solving her. She was a puzzle herself and I was the one piecing her together.

Ironically, I wasn't upset. I was actually honored of my new reputation because it wasn't so strict. I could still be me. Unlike a cheerleader who was expected to be dumb and confused or the emo who was supposed to have wacky hair and weird band shirts. No, I was the boy next door and investor of time trying to unravel a complicated, lost, but beautiful girl. I still got to be Andrew Hollis and not fall under some categorized expectation. It wasn't normal, but nothing ever was with her.

I think that's what made her so difficult to solve and has taken me nine years and counting. It was all very confusing, but I didn't mind getting a little lost. I eventually found myself but with every maze, obstacle, or riddle I would solve, she'd have a new one awaiting me. Being around her was exciting and fun but never did you truly get a break. This made it an endless adventure. A never ending mystery, a cold case.

"Mara," I paused to gather my scattered thoughts. "Are you ever going to tell my why you aren't in school anymore?"
"I was wondering if you'd ever get around to that again."
"Well?"
"Well, I wasn't exactly kicked out."
"What? Wait." I asked.
"Yeah," she looked at me, "I dropped out."

Just as i would started to unravel a situation or in this case, her mom situation, she would have something new in store.  Every time too. I don't think she planned for this to happen, at least I hope not, I think she's just so all over the place you can never prepare for what to expect.

"How? Wait what, woah. Backtrack for a second. Ok so you dropped out?"
"Yes, I didn't stutter Drewey."
"Why!"
"Because I've had enough credits since end of junior year. I just stayed to take some extra classes. Until that F I got from Mr. Sarz made me realize something. I was staying there for no reason."
"So what's your college plans?"
"Taking over for my mom. She was a nurse, you know that. So I've decided to just go to get my degree at a local college."
"And why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"We just got all busy and I got injured so it never came up in a conversation."
"Well congrats! I'm just shocked." I gave her a hug.
I ignored the fact I was hurt by her not telling me sooner.

She was so dependent but independent and secretive all at the same time. Always needing someone to reassure her but off making a name for herself at the same time. It was strange how she worked.

After our talk and catching up I guess you'd call it, we decided to go out for pancakes this time in order to celebrate. So getting into my truck we were just in hours ago, we drove to iHop.
"Tunes?" She asked.
"You pick," I replied.
So she did and picked seventeen ain't so sweet, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. It definitely described the past month we'd been experiencing. It's been crazy and confusing but I wouldn't trade it for the world. It may have been messy but it was a mess I got to not only create but clean with my neighbor, best friend, and love.

"Drew," Mara said.
"What?" Eating my chocolate chip pancakes.
"Thank you. I mean this is a sincere thank you for just everything"
"Where is this coming from?" I chuckled.
"My heart dummy!" Then she threw a piece of bacon at me.
"Feisty, Mara! But no stop."
"Stop? Stop what exactly?"
"You know what. Don't keep thanking me! I like to help and you know this."
"But I don't give you anything in return."
"By helping you, I help myself."
Giving me a strange look, "what? How does that even happen? You're making no sense."
"Because I find joy in saving you. I always have. Even when we were younger. One time I remember you riding your bike, and I could see from my window while I was doing homework. You fell then  scraped your knees and elbows so I ran from my room, grabbed band aids, and cleaned you up."
Smiling she said, "I do remember that."
"See what I mean. That smile is just so beautiful if only you knew. So when you're hurting and the smile fades, I try doing everything possible to make it reappear. You're just too young and pretty and fun and so many other things to be sad. I know you have some serious issues worth being sad over, I do. But I just will not stand putting in no effort to help assuage or make the burden lighter."
"Andrew Hollis, this is why I'm so so in love with you. Boys this sincere, sweet, and patient just don't come along every day. I know you hate it, but just one last time I have to say it."
"Mara, say what?" I asked curiously.
"Thank you."

I smiled and so did she. We just sat there eating our pancakes and drinking our coffee in silence until we finally finished. I payed the bill and tipped the waitress. Then, we walked out as I opened the door for her and we exited iHop.

Sitting in my truck, we looked at each other.
She broke the silence by saying, "let's create a new song memory."
"I'd like that." I replied.
So she closed her eyes, reached for the radio knob, and twisted to a random station. All of a sudden, the song, The Emotion by BORNS played.
"Well we have yet another amazing song for a memorable memory, Drewey."
Leaning in to kiss her clumsily I then whispered, "I couldn't agree more."
We both laughed and everything felt alright. I don't know how long it'll last, but for now, things were going good, and I couldn't be happier. I was finally dating the love of my life and of course she was a lot of work! So many walls I have to break down, but I just love her so much. All the chaos she brings is truly fascinating and I don't mind being caught up in it. She was definitely worth it and I didn't mind spending all of this time trying to solve her puzzle.
Sent from my iPhone