Another day in my twisted, messed up life. “April do this, April do that,” is all I hear. I don’t mind responsibility, but with what I'm doing right know I'm tired of it. Tyler likes me, yet jerk isn’t my type. He thinks he is better than the rest of us because he has a rich daddy, and he gets everything he wants. I really don’t like him but now I'm dating him. Yea, call me crazy I just said I hate him and now I'm dating him. Well, this is the story: Tyler has asked me out numerous times. Every time I kindly reject him, which is something he has never experienced. Finally, upset that he couldn’t get what he wanted, me, he told his father. Now my father’s job is on the line if I don’t date Tyler and pretend to enjoy it. I have a sister who needs taken care of and my mom died when I was only seven. We depend solely on my dad.
Right now we are keeping the relationship a secret at school, but I know he is just itching to brag about the score he made. Another clause of this arrangement is I can’t tell anyone it is an arrangement. Tiffany the head cheerleader has a thing for Tyler, so when she finds out, her life mission will be to destroy me. I don’t really care considering I try to avoid girl drama, but I am also afraid of being somewhat close to Tyler’s world. I don’t fit in, and I like it that way, all of his friends are brain-dead rich kids who don’t know how to have an intellectual conversation.
Today Tyler plans to spill the beans about our “relationship,” and I have to go along with it. When he kisses me I feel absolutely nothing. I don’t love him, and I am not even sure I like him. There is only one person who I have ever loved, Jake Edwards. I know he feels the same way, but the huge problem is that Jake is Tyler's cousin. I can’t change this, no matter how hard I try. Like I said my life is messed up.

Walking down the hall, his arm around my waist, I tried not to throw up. I felt trapped, suffocated almost. Then they were there, standing in their usual spot in the hallway before homeroom. Tyler’s friends, including Jake, were all standing there yet to notice us. I didn’t know how I felt at that moment. Was I sad or upset? Was I about to cry or was I about to scream? Before I could even make up my mind, we were in front of them. They all stared baffled at the picture of him holding me so close, and me trying to smile. Tiffany looked as if she was about to explode, which almost made me laugh. His teammates looked as if Tyler had just made a touchdown, and was a king or something. Then there was Jake, poor Jake. He just looked surprised, speechless, and just when it seemed as though he was going to say something Tyler opened his big mouth.
“Hey guys; sup,” he said, “everyone you know my girlfriend April.”
Tiffany then mumbled, “Yeah, we do.  She’s your girlfriend?”
“Yes she totally is,” Tyler exclaimed, “I really like her and we are really happy together, so she is officially part of the group.”
Me, part of the group? In that moment I didn’t want to be standing in that hallway. It felt as if I was in the middle of a dark storm, and the darkness fell on me and me alone. I felt like I stepped outside of my body, and was watching all of this as an outsider. The feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin was not something I enjoyed. Sometimes I feel as though this is all one big nightmare, and soon I will wake up and it will all be over, but this isn’t. This is my life, at least until I can graduate. Even if it was just a bad dream, I would still wake up and find Tyler’s hand wrapped around mine not Jakes.
As Tyler continued to tell his friends about our wonderful relationship, I met Jakes eyes. His deep blue eyes pierced into mine. It just made everything feel worse. I felt like a doctor who couldn’t save their patient’s life. Then when the doctor tells the people that the patient loved that he couldn’t save him, you see the look in their eyes. I saw that look in Jake. It was a loss for words, and feeling the floor collapsed beneath you. We could both feel the tension was growing, and without even saying a word. His eyes said to me, “How is this happening? Is this the truth? Why?” At that moment I wanted to pull him away from the cluster and tell him everything. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t in love with Tyler; I was in love with him. I couldn’t do it, not to my family, not to my sister’s future. I can’t tell anyone, and that pain will forever be inside of me until one day it can’t stay trapped any longer. For now, I smile, I nod, and I hold back the tears.

“Would you like to explain this to me,” asked Jake. As that pending question racked my brain, I considered all of the possible lies I could tell him. However, in that moment I realized that I could only tell him the truth. I was okay with lying to everyone else, but he isn’t everyone else. It’s hard to describe, but when I'm with him I'm myself. He makes me smile and laugh, and I feel like I am in another world, a better world. We were all alone in the hall way, because we had a free period. So, I faced the facts.
“It’s complicated Jake.”
“How is it complicated, you’re dating Tyler. Tyler, the annoying self righteous jerk. It’s funny too, because just yesterday you said you hated him.”
“Look Jake I'm sorry, but I have to date him.”
“What do you mean have?”
In that one moment, only the air around us was keeping me from answering the question I knew would come. It was like a single piece of thread standing between the truth, as if it shouldn’t be told. I knew I had to tell him, so I did. “If I don’t date him… my dad will lose his job.”
“What!” he said.
“I'm not repeating myself.”
“Are you serious?”
“You know me; do I lie?” In that moment there didn’t need to be any more conversation. He understood stood the situation, after all, these were his family members. At least I told him. A couple days ago I felt like atlas holding the weight of the celestial spheres on my shoulders, and now I feel like that weight was lifted off of me. Now, Jake and I were heading to study hall. I knew that we both secretly hoped Tyler wouldn’t be there, but neither of us said a word.

We were in study hall, and lucky me had Jake sitting on my left and Tyler sitting on my right. It was ironic because everything with Jake feels right, but I wish Tyler would leave. Everyone was intent on studying, and or watching TV on their phones. Jake asked for a pencil, so I found one to give to him. As I held out the pencil to Jake, my hand on one end his on the other, our eyes met. In that moment I no longer felt trapped or imprisoned. I lost sight of reality and envisioned us alone holding hands being content with our relationship. Yet, in a sharp moment I was switched back to reality.
"Hey, April" said Tyler.
        The pencil dropped from our hands and the clang of the pencil hitting the table sounded like the sound of my heart breaking. Luckily, Tyler just thought Jake was clumsy and dropped the pencil as if my hand was never on it.
"Yes Tyler," I replied. 
        “I was thinking we should spend our first Christmas together at my place. Your family can come to my family’s house. It would be really cool, don’t you think,” Tyler said. What if I were to say no? Would it ruin everything, or would it change nothing? There was a decision I wanted to make, and a decision I felt I had to make, and I couldn't help but feel Jake’s stare piercing my thoughts. This has really turned out to be the worst year of my life, so I said…
“That would be great; totally cool.”

“Hello. You look beautiful.” Tyler greeted me in the nicest manner possible, but how can I say anything he does is nice? I am being forced to date him, and he thinks I'm okay with that. In I walk, to this immense mansion, and I see that I am trapped in a room with the people I hate most. “Tyler,” I said, “I thought we were celebrating with only your family.”
“No,” he replied, “my family has all of our closest friends for the holidays. Don’t worry; now they’re your friends too.” Tiffany and all of the other popular kids I try to avoid were standing in the room I had just walked into. It was like watching a horror movie. The girl knows she shouldn’t walk in the room because she knows the killers in there. Yet, she walks in any way and that’s how I feel now. I'm about to walk into a room with a bunch of killers; brain less killers. Chocking on my tears, I walked in. Everyone’s eyes landed on me, except for Jakes. He stood in the corner of the room obviously trying to avoid looking at me.
As Tyler went to mingle, I just stood there. I looked around, but I couldn’t spot Jake anywhere. Then, an arm caught me and pulled me away. To my surprise, it was Jake. He kissed me; sharp and quick. It was a movement so fast that I felt as though it didn’t even happen, but it was also filled with passion He let me go, and I kept replaying that event in my mind, making sure I wasn’t dreaming. “What was that,” I said.
“I couldn’t contain my feelings any longer; I had to show you how I truly feel. You needed to know,” he said. I quickly showed him that I felt the same way, and he took me in his arms. The world was silent; I only heard the tick of the grandfather clock in the hallway. This was where I was meant to be, yet I was supposed to be somewhere else. I wasn’t supposed to be here with the person I love, but I was supposed to be with the person I am pretending to love. That thought stuck in my brain and broke apart the moment we were sharing. I hastily drew back.
“What? What’s wrong?” Jake said.
“This can’t happen, my father…he…”
“But April, I … love you.”
“I love you too Jake,” I said as tears welled down my face, “but I can’t.” I ran out of the room we were in and into the bathroom. I sunk down to the floor, the pain of my heart breaking was too much for me to handle. I wondered what my life would be like if Tyler didn’t exist. Would I have experienced true love and heart break? Could I have grown up like a normal teenager? Instead I reflected on the fact that I can never understand reality, when my whole life is pretend. Tyler texted me dinner was ready, and that he missed me. I didn’t miss him. If anything I couldn’t be happier to be away. Why did this happen to me? I have always tried to help everyone who needed it; I really wonder what I did to deserve this. This was too big of a lie to tell. I knew what I had to do. I pulled myself up, told myself I was strong and walked out full… of determination.

On my way here to this party, my father told me something that has strongly impacted what I am about to do. He said to me, “Do not do this for your sister or me, I will not mad. Whatever is going to happen tonight, it will be okay. As long as we are together no one could ever hurt us. Watching you grow up a smart, intelligent and beautiful young lady is the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. Your mother would be so proud, and she is watching you right now smiling. I know you have taken on the mother role of the house, and you never really experienced being a teenager. I love you so much, and I am so sorry that you feel like it is your obligation to do this. Do what you have to do tonight, I will always love you. Remember, you and me, we’re a team.”
As I walked down the ironically long hallway, I thought of that speech my father gave me. It was as if he knew I would come to this realization. This is the choice I know I have to make, and it will be the right choice; hopefully.
I took my seat next to Tyler, and I would not hold his hand. As much as he grasped for it I never let him have it, this was step one. In that moment I started to think if this was the right thing. It is; this is my life, and I plan to take control of it. After Tyler's father made a heartwarming speech on family and friends, I asked to say something. So, I stood up and said…
“I would just like to say, that I am in love with Jake Edwards. I would also like to say that the relationship I’ve had with Tyler has been entirely fake. I am 17 years old, and I will not pretend. I am telling the truth. Anyway, I truly hope everyone has an amazing holiday. Thank you! The food looks amazing by the way.” I looked around the table from face to face. My father was smiling. Tyler's father on the other hand looked furious. Jake looked extremely happy, yet Tyler looked as though he was about to burst. Tiffany and all the others were just shocked. All of a sudden I was yanked from my seat with a great force, by none other than Tyler. I was pulled away from the table abruptly, and pushed toward a door. Jake went to stand, but Tyler's father pushed him down. The last thing I heard was Jake and my father yelling for me to come back.

 “Let go of me,” I yelled.
“What the hell was that, April? Are you seriously kidding me?”
“I'm tired of pretending Tyler. I love Jake, not you. Please, let this goes; let me go.”
“No. You’re mine, and I will destroy your family if you don’t really start trying to love me.”
“You can’t try to love someone. You either do or you don’t, and I don’t.” Then with abrupt force he kissed. Once again I felt nothing, I really don’t love him. It was like air brushed my lips, and it was just a breeze. There was no emotion, but anger. I pushed him away.
“Tyler stop!”
“You are going to go back in there and say this was all a joke; it was something we planned. Yes, that’s believable.”
“Tyler please… I'm not doing this anymore.”
“Wouldn’t it be really sad, if no one ever wanted to help your sister again?”
“What? What are you saying?”
“Well I mean, if someone happened to mention to every teacher who specializes in dyslexia that she’s not worth the time. Who knows, someone might be able to pay them all off. That would be really horrible, wouldn’t it?”
“You would never,” I muffled through tears.
“I really would, but only because I love you baby.”
“This is not love, nor will it ever be love.” At that point, I sank to my knees and sobbed. I saw the true monster behind the disguise of an average teenager.  Jake ran into the room, and started to scream at Tyler. I couldn’t even hear what they were saying. The sound of my beating heart and my crying blocked out every noise. The next thing I knew Tyler was bleeding from his lip and Jake got punched in the eye. He was now on the floor, and the only thing I heard was Tyler say, “Stay away from my girl.” I was pulled up. I was told to wipe away my tears, fix my make up and go back into the dining hall. I told everyone it was a joke, that it was all rehearsed. Just a little Christmas skit, I told them. I said that I look at Jake as nothing more than a friend, and that I am completely in love with Tyler. Those last words sucked the wind out of me. I quickly took my seat and drank what I hoped was something stronger than water. This is my life; pretend.

A year later

It has been a year since I talked to Veronica in the library. I have gotten my acceptance letters to the colleges I applied to. I got accepted into Yale, and I was so excited. Then my dreams were crushed when I found out that Tyler had bought his way in. I knew that we still had to stay together, but I was hoping that we would go to separate colleges. I don’t know why I thought my hopes would be achieved.
Anyway, I tried to get in touch with Jake but his parents made sure that he went to the college farthest away from me: Stanford. I can’t speak to him or see him outside of family functions.  I tried to see him once, but Tiffany and her minions took a picture of us and posted it on instagram. We will never be able to be happy. On that depressing note, I think that I might have my friend back. Veronica is going to UConn, so at least we will be in the same state. I haven’t really made that many friends I like at Yale considering Tyler always makes me hang out with his new friends. I want my own life, but that is something I will never get. I used to believe that everything in life happened for a reason, but that belief has been thrown out the window. My life will forever be full of regret and unhappiness. To the next chapter in my life, with the person I dislike most in the world. I officially say farewell and goodbye to my freedom and free will.