It has been a month since Lizzy died and Connor is doing fine, he’s strong again. I stripped out of my pajamas and into a purple t-shirt and a white, open-knitted sweater, dark denim jeans. I let my dark hair out of it’s loose braid and brushed the waves down into it’s natural straight locks. Taking out my my makeup, I applied a thin layer of eyeliner to my lids and swiped some mascara onto my lashes. I walked out of my room with my coat, and my bag in hand. I went to the kitchen and drank some water before I headed out. When I got to the house, I knocked on the door and a couple of seconds later, it opened. Connor stood in the doorway in a tight, black t-shirt and blue, checkered pajama pants.

“Come in, will you.” he said with a crooked smile, I smiled back and ran inside giving Connor a quick kiss on the lips. Connor closed the door and led me upstairs to his room,



“So how’ve you been?” I asked, Connor shrugged and nodded.



“I’m fine, you?” he asked. I lay on his bed, and spread my arms out.



“Good, I went to go volunteer at the hospital again, yesterday.” I stated. Connor lay next to me,



“How was it?” he asked.



“It’s- it’s not the same anymore.” I sighed, biting my lip in the process.



“What do you mean?” he asked.



“It’s just…” I began to say before pausing, debating whether to say the rest of the sentence or not. Connor stared at me, waiting for me to speak again,



“What?” he asked when I didn’t continue. I took a deep breath and bit my lip again.



“Lizzy’s the first patient there who has passed away, she was only 8.” I continued, keeping my head down. I felt his hand cup my chin, lifting my head up. I stared into his deep blue eyes and it felt like I was falling into them.



“It’s fine, it’s ok.” he said, his mesmerizing, blue eyes staring back into my boring, brown ones.



“I’m sorry.” I whispered, breaking the gaze and looking down.

Connor lifted my chin a little higher and I watched as his face slowly came closer to mine, my plump, pink lips fell open. Connor’s warm lips were finally placed on mine, and molded together. I loved the feeling of his lips, it calmed me and made me excited at the same time.



Now a person might think we’re dating, but they’re wrong. We just have… benefits, but I have strong feelings for him, he hasn’t even brought up the topic of dating so maybe he doesn’t like the idea of a relationship, maybe we both don’t… but I do. When Connor pulled away we decided to go downstairs to watch tv. Sitting on the couch, cuddled into each other, we sat. After a while Connor began to speak,



“Let’s go somewhere.” he suggested.



“Like where?” I asked tilting my head up to look at him.

“A lake.” he replied.



“A lake? It’ll probably be nothing but ice!” I laughed, Connor laughed along.



“Doesn’t matter, c’mon let’s go.” he said, shifting from our current position causing me to get up.



“Fine, but go get changed.” I said.



“No I’m gonna walk out shirtless.” he sarcastically remarked.



“I like that idea.” I commented with a wink, Connor raised his eyebrows at me and he gave me a lopsided grin.



“Hmm what happened with that virgin-mouthed Mia I met months ago?” he snickered, my mouth fell open. He’s right, where’d she go? I was normally shy about talking in such way to the opposite gender, even if it’s by joking.



“She’s still here.” I replied with flushed cheeks.



“Well then she’s cracking.” he said. Every bit of that is true, I am cracking and it’s all because of my attraction to him, our moments, him.



“Shut up and get dressed.” I jokingly snapped with a roll of my eyes.



“Fine.” he replied, and with that I watched him grab the waistband of his pajama pants and shoved them done. I covered my eyes just in time before he shoved them down,



“Connor!” I shrieked, his laugh filled the living room.



“I’m kidding, I still have my boxers on.” he told me.



I kept my eyes covered by my hands and ordered him to go upstairs and change quick or I’d go back home, and with that he ran upstairs. I let my hands drop to my sides and took a deep breath, I took this time to go look at the wooden frames, hanging on one side of the room. I examined that one picture hanging in the center of all the other frames, there stood Connor, his dirty blonde hair in a buzz cut, making him look different since his is now longer and is usually swept to the side since the day I’ve met him. My favorite features of him today, present in the picture, his deep blue eyes and that smile. In his arms was a little girl in a white dress. She had blonde pigtails, large brown eyes that were looking away from the camera and her lips were wrapped around two of her fingers, Lizzy. I pressed my lips into a thin line and examined the woman next to Lizzy and Connor, she had a sweet smile and dirty blonde hair that reached just above her shoulders. She had large brown eyes and she was just beautiful.



I heard Connor’s footsteps walking down the stairs and I tore my eyes away from the picture. He was dressed in a gray t-shirt, dark jeans and his Timberland boots.



“Get your jacket, it’s cold out.” I demanded, placing a hand on my waist. Connor huffed and ran back up to his room and came back with a jacket on.



Connor and I were in his car driving to a lake he wanted to take me to, the radio was on low filling the non-awkward silence between Connor and I. My hand resting on my lap and the other supporting my head while I looked out the window. I felt Connor sneak his hands onto mine and laced them together. I turned my gaze to our enlaced fingers, their tight hold, the warmth in them, it was perfect. Connor’s eyes were on the road ahead, I knew he could see my staring at him but I kept staring, taking every bit of Connor’s features. Deep blue eyes, kissable, pink lips, his dirty blonde hair and a slightly stubbled jaw, he was the most beautiful human being on this planet and I really really lo-like him. Connor turned his head to me and caught me staring, he smiled causing me to smile effortlessly, he looked back on the road.



“Like what you’re seeing?” he asked.



“Yes.” I whispered. He lifted our laced fingers up to his lips and kissed the back of my hand, sending shivers up my arm and down my spine.



“So what’s this lake that you’re taking me to?” I asked, spreading a layer of saliva over my chapped lips with my tongue.



“What’s so special about it?” I questioned again when he didn’t answer.



“It’s beautiful, like you.” he replied with a faint smile. I bit into my bottom lip with warm, light crimson, cheeks.



“Thanks.” I said, giving his large hand a squeeze. He made me feel beautiful and I loved the feeling of being an attraction to someone.



“What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?” I asked excitedly.



“Another joke?” he groaned.



“Yes, answer it.” I demanded. He rolled his eyes and replied,



“I don’t know.”



“Where’s pop corn?” I said, answering my joke. I giggled and Connor chuckled, telling me I’m corny.



“Guess I was once baby corn then.” he said, my giggles turned into a silent frown. Guilt washing over me.



We got to the lake in under 10 minutes, Connor and I stepped out of the car. He locked his car and then came over to me, taking my hand in his and guiding me to the lake. It was chilly, one of my hands in my coat pocket and the other laced between Connor’s fingers.



The lake was small, there was nothing extraordinary about it, it was just like any other small lake, but Connor bringing me here with him was what made it special. We sat down on a large rock, with a great view of the forest trees around us and the lake, so clear I could see the reflection of the large trees on it.



“I used to come here when my mom died.” he stated, I sucked in a short breath at the information. Connor’s mom was a touchy subject for him but he always kept himself strong, well at least that’s how he seems on the outside.



“The last time I came was…” Connor didn’t finish, he just paused.



“Connor it’s fine you don’t have to-”



“No, I’m gonna finish.” he said, cutting me off. He took in a deep breath before continuing,



“Lizzy.”



I pulled Connor into a hug, warm and tight. Comfort was all I wanted him to feel, and I wanted him to feel what I felt for him at the same time. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tighter, this hug wasn’t enough for me and so I lifted my head up and kissed him. I kissed him for my satisfaction and his escape. The kiss, heavy and sweet, and with each swipe of my tongue on his saccharine lips, it was like I was licking endless coats of sugar. We pulled away and rested our foreheads on each other. My heart was thumping, I was taking deep breaths since I was barely able to breath from that little kiss Connor and I shared together.



“You’re special, Mia.” he slightly whispered, try to even his breathing as I did the same.



“You are too, Connor.” I whispered.



“No Mia, you’re special in a way that you don’t understand.” he said. I smiled and closed my eyes as he leaned in to give me a quick peck.



The day was spent at the lake with Connor and I fooling around, talking like friends, laughing like best friends and kissing like a couple. When it began to get dark Connor and I drove to my house after getting some pizza. When we got to my house, I unlocked the door with my keys and we entered my home. The lights were all off, the only source of light was coming from outside the window, mom was probably still at work. I turned on the lights and Connor went over to the couch and sat down, placing the box of pizza on the table. I scurried over to the couch and turned on the tv. We watched The Great Gatsby together, chewing our pizza slowly, savoring the warmth and the cheese. I ended up crying at the end, post movie-depression was what overcame me and I sat crying endlessly with a half eaten pizza, almost slipping out of my fingertips, as Connor laughed at me. Love and death are not a pretty pair, love is slow and sweet, it can come a long way, but death is the biggest asshole ever and can end it, bitter and quick.



“I’m gonna go.” Connor stated as he got up, finishing his last bit of pizza.



“Can’t you stay over?” I pouted as he put his jacket on. I put my arms around his neck, still pouting. Connor grinned,



“Your mother wouldn’t like that would she?” he smirked, placing his hands on my hips. I rolled my eyes and stood up on my tip toes to give him a quick kiss before he left. Connor walked to the door and pulled it open, we were both startled when we found my mom standing there. She had her keys in her hand like she was just about to poke it through the keyhole and unlock the door.



“Oh hello Connor.” she chirped with a warm smile.



“Hi Mrs. White, I was just leaving.” he said. They had a quick little chat; then I watched him close the door behind him and leave.

The wind howled through the night, slapping my face and causing my nose to sting. My dark eyes narrowed as I fought through the wind to Connor’s house with my hands shoved in my coat pockets. My head down as I watched my legs stride. I let my hair down today, the wind whispering through my straight locks of dark hair with each stride. Connor’s house came into sight and I jogged to his front door and knocked. I looked around, waiting for Connor to come open the door.



“Oh hello Mia, come inside, it’s cold.” said a grown voice. I snapped my head to the person standing in the doorway, Connor’s uncle.



“Hello Mr. Price.” I replied, rushing inside.



“Connor’s upstairs.” he informed me, I nodded and ran upstairs to his room. Walking through the hallway, I heard a familiar tune swimming out from Connor’s room. His room was slightly open, I peaked and watched him lay on his bed listening to Passenger sing the lyrics to his wonderful song “Let Her Go” out of the radio. I slammed the door open and began to sing along to the radio,



“Well you only need the light when it's burning low!” I obnoxiously sang, startling Connor.



He jumped up and when he noticed me slowly moving my hands around to the melody, he chuckled. He walked over to me.



“Hey.” he said giving me a quick kiss on the lips.



“Hello.” I replied with a smile. Connor leaned in again to kiss me, but instead I quickly scurried over to his bed and threw myself on top of it, flopping down with my arms spread out. “So what’d you do today so far?” I asked. He walked back to the bed and flopped down next to me.



“Listening to tunes.” he answered, taking my hand in his and drawing designs on the back of it with his thumb.



“Hmm…” I thought about bringing something up that I was thinking about last night before I went to bed. “Remember when we first met?” I asked.



“Yeah. You walked in, in a pair of dark-washed jeans and a gray, long sleeved t-shirt with sequins on the shoulders.” he stated, my mouth fell open and I rolled my head over to stare at Connor.



“You remembered what I was wearing that day?” I asked dumbfounded. He turned his head to me and replied,



“Of course, thanks to that day we have this.” he said, raising up our clasped hands, that fit together, perfectly. Thoughts pooled into my head.



What are we?

What is this?

Why hasn’t he asked me to be his girlfriend?



I felt those pair of warm, familiar lips against my own and at that point my thoughts shattered and disintegrated. Connor rolled on top of me, hands cupping my cheeks. The kiss grew deeper, more passionate, different. This wasn’t like our usual kisses which were more sweet, this kiss had a more sensual feeling but there was still that saccharine taste only less noticeable with the desire for him, growing. And from that feeling and the way he hovered above me, kissing me with such passion, I knew tonight was not going the way I had thought it would.



And so that night I gave him everything, I gave him my purity, my innocence, me. I dropped the soap and fell into the dirt. I fell asleep, sweaty and satisfied with a faint smile on my lips. I finally had the answer to one of my questions,



What is this?

Love.





___________________________________________







It has been a month since that night; Connor has been hanging around me less, now a days. Sometimes, he makes unconvincing, excuses when I call him up to hang out; I know he’s hiding something. He has even seemed more sad now a days and wears this stupid, gray beanie all the time. He gets all pissy if I try to take it off in a playful manner, and I know something is changing about him.



Today we made plans to go to the park. I was dressed in a burgundy, long-sleeved t-shirt with a black leather jacket on top. A pair of black, skinny jeans and a gray infinity scarf wrapped snuggly around my neck. My black combat boots hitting the pavement, lightly, with each step and my high ponytail, swaying side to side. I noticed that I grew more and more confident with myself after meeting Connor, just a couple months ago, he made me feel beautiful and special in such a way that I’ve never felt.



From a distance I could see Connor sat against a tree, I walked closer to him and found him staring at his phone. He was wearing a coat, black jeans and his Timberlands and I noticed some of his hair poking out from under his stupid beanie. He snapped his eyes to me and smiled while he got to his feet.



“Hey.” he said.



“Hey.” I replied.

We walked hand in hand, but my grip wasn’t as tight as usual. We walked around the park talking and laughing, still those thoughts floated in my head.



What are we?

What is this?

Why hasn’t he asked me to be his girlfriend?



I know that I love him and I think he loves me too but I’m getting a little upset that we’ve been doing this for so long and he doesn’t even bring up the topic of relationship. I wanted to lighten my mood up and distract myself from these thoughts.



“ Why does a seagull fly over the sea?” I asked him, nudging him with my shoulder.



“I don’t know.” he answered.



“Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel!” I said, laughing at my own joke.



“You’re so corny, Mia.” he laughed.



“Shut up, you’re just jealous that I’m funny and you’re not!” I teased, giggling. Connor flicked my ponytail and I pushed him playfully before going to go grab his beanie. He quickly grabbed my arm and moved his head to the side, no sign of playfulness shown on his face. His face angry and serious.



“How many times did I tell you to not touch my beanie?” he sternly asked. I ripped my arm off his grasp, angry and hurt. My arms were at my sides and I was ready to burst.



“Why do you keep wearing that stupid beanie?!” I shouted, furiously.



“None of your damn business Mia.” he loudly retorted.



“Seriously, Connor I am so sick of you! You kiss me, hug me and we both act like we’re a couple but you haven’t once brought up the thought of even wanting me as your girlfriend!” I shouted jabbing a finger to his chest.



“You’re crazy! Mia have you not ever thought that I didn’t want a relationship with you?!” he shouted back at me. My heart shrunk, tears began to pool in my eyes.



“How could you? Does this not mean a thing to you? Do I not matter to you? You think you can just act and kiss me like I’m your girlfriend and not even think of having me as one?!” I shouted even louder, mixed feelings of rage and hurt overcame me and I began to shake.

“Mia-” Connor tried to say something but I wasn’t done speaking.



“And how about that night, wasn’t that as important to you as it was to me?” I shouted, tears were on the verge of pouring out of my lids.



“What night?” he asked. My tears spilled, salty and free; one by one they streamed down my cheeks and plopped to the ground, but I never broke the eye contact. “Of course I know what night you’re talking about, Mia.” he cooed, guilt written all over his face.



He lightly cupped my cheeks and kissed me, I almost gave in but sense was knocked into me before I lost myself in the kiss. I pulled back from the kiss and wiped my tears off with my hand; with that hand I slapped him, across the cheek. I could see my tears on his sore and red cheek before he cupped it with a shocked expression.



“Don’t you dare ever talk to me again, Connor!” I angrily shouted before storming away.



“Mia, wait!”



“I’m sorry!” I heard him shout. I was afraid he’d run after me, so I ran from him. Tears staining my cheeks as I ran home. I wanted to go to bed and fall into a deep sleep, forever and for a minute or so, I wanted to die.

I ignored Connor’s calls/texts throughout the week after. I forced myself not to give in to the “sorry” texts and run back to him, no matter how badly I wanted to. That week consisted of me laying in bed, crying, watching movies that had to do with romance, and doing other cliché things. I also found my two new favorite songs, “Maybe I Love You” by Lenka and “Skinny Love” by Bon Iver, the deep connection I had with these two songs made everything more painful. I let the pain feast upon my heart, and with each passing day I died a little more inside.



Today was day one of the second week of ignoring Connor, I trudged downstairs to go make myself breakfast. I took out a bowl and reached up into the cabinet, taking out a box of cereal and pouring some into my bowl. I was opening the fridge for some milk when I heard a heavy knock on the front door. I closed the door and poked my head into the living room, and slowly walked to the door. Grabbing the handle and opening it slowly to find a mailman, not who I thought it was.



“Mia White?” he asked, his voice deep and raspy. I nodded and he handed me a white envelope, I took it and thanked him. He nodded and walked away, I closed the door and walked back to the kitchen.





From: Connor Reed

To: Mia White



The front of the envelope read, along with my address as well. My face drained of color and my hands shook as I began to open it. I sat down on a chair, pushing my cereal bowl aside. I pulled the letter out and began to read.



Dear Mia,



I know you’ve told me to never speak to you again but you never said I couldn’t write to you. I have too much to say, my head is drowning in thoughts. But I’d like to say that by the time you get this, death has welcomed me into his arms and I am long gone, but not from the center of your heart, I hope.



My heart stopped beating.



I’m sorry for causing you the anger, confusion and tears, I’ve caused. I want to explain everything to you and this is how I had planned to do so. Remember the first day we met? Lizzy introduced us to one another. I thank her so much for doing that, for telling me so much about you and begging me to come and meet you., I hadn’t noticed your beauty on that first day, but the second. That second day when you were drawing that daisy I asked if it had a meaning. You replied, “It represents purity, innocence, loyal love, beauty, patience and simplicity.” From that I noticed the beauty within before the beauty without.



My eyes began to water.



A couple of months later I had fell in love with you, our kisses were real and held truth inside them. We held hands and acted like a couple, but we couldn’t be labeled as one. I couldn’t do that to you, not when I was going to die sooner or later; that label would’ve made things worse. I was too shy as well, and so were you. We knew that we loved each other but never once had we ever said those three words to each other.



Tears slipped down my cheeks, slowly.



I had cancer, Mia. Cancer was passed down the family, and you had thought that I wasn’t a victim, and I too thought that, but fate proved us both wrong. I was going to tell you about my sickness that day at the park. When I began to wear that beanie I was going through chemotherapy, if you had found out you’d begin to act different around me like I’m priceless china, sitting at the very edge of a table. I didn’t want that…



I stumbled out of the chair, grabbing the edge of the table to hold me up.



If you’d like to ever visit me I will be where I’ve always wanted to be, in between my mother and Lizzy. I’m sorry for everything and I love you, endlessly.



Love,

Connor




And that was when the world began to whirl around me. I let myself drown in my own tears, because everything was over … and so was our skinny love.