A lot of times, life in general seems unfair to me. My parents always get on my nerves and I feel like they don't care about me, or I feel as if they favor my younger brother Stephen. My mom always thinks I'm depressed or I hate life because I'm not always smiling. Non of what she thinks is true. I worship god, I love my life and it's so important to me. My parents insist I don't enjoy life because apparently I'm always so negative and I never appreciate anything. I'm guessing that makes me a 11 year old pessimist.. They don't know that I actually appreciate everything and treat everyday as if it was my last, because I know how good my life is compared to others. Sometimes I'm hard to deal with, but I always keep a positive mind and remember that a new day will come soon enough. I constantly remind myself that everything will get better soon and negativity will pass. That's mainly how I get through each and every day of being a girl.

Most kids/ teens have a sport that they play or do. Some competitively and some for recreation. Personally, I'm a swimmer and I swim competitively. Well I used to be on a team where it was hard for me to swim, because I always got bullied. There was a girl who didn't like me, at all. She was in my group while I was on the team and I was new to swimming when I joined. I didn't know anyone, but she started to judge me before she even got to know me. Soon enough, I was the team clown. I made everyone laugh, but at the same time I was always the one left out. The one nobody wanted to be partners with. I thought something was wrong with me, and I started to blame myself for being alone. I eventually found out that she was talking about me behind my back and telling people bad things about me. The coach made her team captin and soon everyone started to look up to her. While having power over everyone, she got others to judge me and not like me. I was left alone and left out of everything. She was the coaches favorite. I was so upset on the inside by everyone doing this to me. I didn't enjoy swimming like I used to because of what had been going on. Every practice, I would walk into the pool area and everyone would be talking to each and looking at me while laughing. I wanted to cry the whole time. The next year came, time for everyone in my group to advance to the next level. My coach moved every single person in the group I was in, up to the next group except me. He didn't even give me an explanation as to why. I felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt lonely and overwhelmed. I couldn't handle being bullied and feeling left out, and my coach being apart of it. Nobody understood how I felt, having the whole team, even the coach, against you. That's when I lost my interest in swimming. I had another coach that soon took over the group I was currently in and he told me something one practice when I didn't want to try. He said it me "Your only strongest, when you are your weakest." I never understood what he meant by that, so it never became useful. I decided to have a meeting with my head coach that favored the girl who didn't like me. I told him how I was feeling and how I was being bullied. It ended out in an unprofessional emotional yelling battle between him and I. Which left me balling in his office and him telling me I wasn't good enough. It was so hard for me but that's when I quit the team and walked out. It felt impossible to just throw away all I had on that team but it ended up being the best decision I made. I couldn't bare the abuse any longer. I took many months off swimming, feeling not good enough, alone, lost and hopeless without swimming.

From the day I understood, I had always wanted to be ‘popular.’  Well.. now I am to a point where being ‘popular’ is all about how much of a slut, you can be just to get attention for guys. Trying too hard to impress someone includes throwing your self at people and being someone that your really not. Which also comes with the low self-respect and insecurity. A lot of girls from the ages 8-22 are judge mental and insecure, which puts them through a process of attempting to humiliate former classmates, team mates, friends, co-workers ect. For example, if you’ve been taught about bullying, adults say that bullies hurt others just to make themselves feel better about their own character. In a way thats’ true, and untrue. Bullies hurt the feelings of other because the hurt in them (possibly from an unfulfilled childhood such as abusive parents, parents that have gone through divorce ect.) from their own past is just raging to lash out on someone not as strong physically, mentally or emotionally. As this is were some girls come in. Bullying is upon both guys or girls. Both harsh, unwanted violence or verbal abuse from another person. Many girls feel the need to judge other girls based upon looks, clothing, personality traits, cultural differences, and more. Therefor the victimized people don’t always have the self-confidence needed to undergo an attack. Which the person would start feeling bad about them self, then could lead onto depression or non participant in school, or other activities. After enough abuse, some children get thoughts of hurting themselves or suicide and unfortunately, some go through with suicide. No matter how bad anything gets, NEVER let your mind get to you. Taking your life isn’t the only choice to the problem. I promise you. Even I’ve been bullied, many times. Those of you that have been bullied, knows what It feels like. Not a good feeling at all. Honestly, I’ve been verbally attack from 3rd grade throughout elementary and even now! It feels like no matter what, you can never get rid of bullies. It’s hard, it really is hard to take all the hurt from people. The only way I got through each day, without breaking down and crying my eyes out is, I told my self that I was going to be okay. I said to my self “It’ll  be okay, a new day will come.” It really made me feel better. Just to take deep breathes. I’ve been in a lot of situations that some of my closest friends were being bullies to younger kids, and sometimes, you have to put your foot down and set them straight, stand up for the kids. Think about it, if your a by stander, make a difference and stand up for someone. What if it were you in their position? Would you want someone to stand up for you? That’s were karma steps in, my life revolves around karma. It might sound ridiculous but it’s nothing but the truth. I try to go out of my way to do something nice for someone, because then, someone will go out of their way for you. If you do something really bad, decide to gossip about the ‘new girl’ or the ‘nerds’, it’ll hit you. People will gossip about you. Soon enough you won’t have any friends. Not to be mean in any way, but it’s reality here. There’s the people that really need help because of bullies and have a reason to complain.. then you have the stuck up people that complain about how they hate drama, but really, they’re the ones starting the drama. That's when writing found me. I just started to write about everything that happened to me. It’s my writings. I really strive to be an author one day. Never thought I would until I actually had something to write about, My Life, and reality. I really would like to help whoever I can. That’s the reason I write. I enjoy helping others and writing. That's where it mixes with being insecure and being bullied. Whenever you feel bad about yourself, don't be afraid to write it down. It helps to vent, it really helps you think about everything and what your going through. Your never alone, and there are people who care about you and love you, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

People die everyday, while others are being born. People take advantage of the life they have whether it's good or bad. Some people need help enjoying their life. In a way, I fit into that section. Only because I started a thing called cutting. It's when I would purposely harm myself when I was upset. Every time I was upset about something, I cut myself on my wrists with a razor blade. What got me into it? I don't know, but I felt like I couldn't stop. It was like an addiction and I did it because every time I did, it made me forget about everything else I had going on. A few people at school started to notice, so I started to cover it up with skin colored makeup. It got to a point where I did it almost every week. I couldn't live like this. I told my friend Edde one night. I was crying and I went on facebook and chatted him and just started venting everything to him. I hadn't even met him before, but something about him just told me it was okay to tell him. That's just what I did, I told him everything. He told me that I was beautiful and that everything was going to get better. He told me that he had felt that way before which made me feel a lot better, knowing that I wasn't alone. Edde really made a difference and I decided to tell my mom. He gave me the hope I needed.

I had to tell my mom some how about my problem with cutting. I was so nervous to and I didn't know how. It took me a few months to plan it perfectly. What I did was print out a blog from To Write Love On Her Arms, and I wrote a seven page long letter to my mom about my cutting. I left it in her purse so when she got to her work she would read it and I would be at school. I planned for it to be then because that day I was going to my friends house after school then to practice and my mom would pick us up, so I didn't have to be alone when I saw my mom. My mom texted me after school ended telling me how much she loved me and how she cried when she read the letter because she would never want me to be so upset where I intentionally hurt myself. Reading her message made me want to cry. Not tears of pain though, tears of joy. I felt like at that moment, everything changed. I felt like everything was lifted off my shoulders. My mom wouldn't talk about it much in the car, probably because my friend was there but it wouldn't have mattered anyway because she already knew. When we got home, I started crying and telling my parents. They were understanding and weren't mad at all. I guess I had prepared for the worst. Things actually started getting a lot better from then.

I was on a blogging site called tumblr one morning, and someone started following me, so I followed back. It wasn't until later when I saw one of the girl's blogs. It was about how she hated her life and wanted to take her life. Something hit me all the sudden and so I messaged her. This is the message I sent her. "Your blogs are really meaningful. Please don't think I'm just one of those people that doesn't care, because I do. Even though I don't know you, I know what your going through. I've been through it all. I'd be that person there for you and I'll always be there for you. I'm here for you because I knew I needed someone to be there for me in my time of pain, but nobody was. I know what you mean, you are not alone. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your not good enough, your amazing. You are beautiful just the way you are, and you should love that about yourself. People do care about you, and couldn't ask for more." I saved that girls life, and we're still friends till this day. A complete stranger. She wasn't a stranger to me though, I felt like I had saved the life of a family member. That night, I went to sleep knowing who I was and happy with the person I was. That's when I realized me strength. I found my reason of life. God created me, because he knew that if I got gifted by him, that I would have the strength to reach out to others in need of help. He wants me to be the change in people's lives and help others realize the meaning of life, since I can't be negatively effected or changed by anyones being. That's the moment I knew I wanted to help people and save lives of people who are going through what I too went through. It brings me joy helping people, and it boosts my self esteem when I save lives.

The year of pain and sorrow. It’s about to end. All the changes, are about to change once again. I’ll always have those scars on my wrists that remind me of what I’ve been through, but they will fade eventually, and I’ll forget all the pain, Some of the pain at least. One of the most important things I’ve learned in life happened this year. I learned what goes around, comes back around, I learned that pain doesn’t cure pain and much more. I have so much to look forward to this coming year. Especially summer, a summer full of swimming, friends, family and maybe some innocent summer love here and there but who knows. I’m ready to take on whatever 2011 brings to me. Maybe this year, I can actually live my life as a normal teenage girl. Oh what am I thinking? My life isn’t normal, nor will it ever be. I just have to do my best to make it as close to perfect as it can get. My parents were talking about going to Costa Rica in 2011, if they come through with that, It would be so much fun. I have hope. I’m gonna be stronger, once I stop my addiction of self-injury. I’m going to tell my mom. She’ll get me help. I’m going to help others instead of being the one helped. I’m going to carry through my list of things to do in 2011 and have the time of my life doing it. With all my friends’ help of course. I welcome 2011, and can’t wait. It’s only a couple hours away. 

I was coming back from swim practice, the same night my mom found out I started to cut. I was hungry, so we decided to stop at Panera Bread for something to eat. That's where I saw one of the coaches from my old team. He was happy to see me, as I was so happy to see him. He talked to my parents, telling them how much he missed me. I missed him too, he was a great coach, and he knew what really happened. A couple weeks later, I tried talking to him on facebook, he ignored me. Then again to wish him a happy birthday, and he said thank you to everyone except me. That little thing made me cry, because I trusted him. I trusted you, you were the one that made me laugh when they were mean to me. You know what they all did to me, you knew and you didn’t stand up for me. You told me it was all going to be okay, and it was, for the time I believed you. I really though you were different then the rest of them.  I saw you a couple weeks ago, the same night I came clean to my parents about my past. Maybe it was a miracle? It made me so happy to see you, because you were nice to me and said hello. You asked me how I was doing. I wish I could have told you, but it was too hard for me and I would have started crying. Just when I though everyone hated me, you gave me hope. You got me through some of it. You know what they did to me, but you didn’t stand up. I wrote on your wall, along with tons of others saying happy birthday, but mine was the only one you didn’t reply to. I know I’m gone, and I know you chose them over me, but I just wanted to say, I was my happiest when I trusted you, and you broke your promise, along with your place in my heart. I miss you, and how you used to push me to be the best I could be. Thank you for trying, but I’m sorry you failed. I’ve lost all hope there, and I don’t plan on gaining it back. I can’t believe you fell for his tricks, how foolish of you. You know what truly happened. Your the one that quoted to me "Your only your strongest when you are your weakest." I still don't understand what that means, but I know it means something important.

I started dating one of the "hottest guys" at belmont. His name was Patrick. People would always come up to me telling me how lucky I was. We dated for about 3 weeks, hooked up, and then he broke up with me on a Friday afternoon, walking home from school. I didn't get upset, but usually I would. I thought about it, and figured that I didn't like him enough to care all that much. He was nothing special. He wasn't super nice to me, I think he might have even been embarrased that I was a year younger, so breaking up wasn't a big deal for me. We decided to be friends and now he's dating his ex Stephanie. They're about to break up because she won't kiss him, I would have and he knows that too. His loss, and I'm not going back.

After the whole break up with Patrick, I have another problem on my hands. I was about to start morning swim practice, before school. It was the night before my first one and I went to bed early so I could get up in the morning. My phone vibrates which wakes me up to my friend calling me. I ignored the call and texted her saying that I couldn't talk because I had to sleep so I could wake up fro swim in the morning. I then went back to sleep. I woke up at 4am getting ready to go, when I read a message she sent to me that night after I fell asleep. It said; For you and you only. Don't show ANYONE. Seriously, I trust you with this. Dear Brittany, I love you. You have always been there for me, no matter what. You are and always will be my best friend. Forever and Always. Thank you for helping me at times, you got me through the hard stuff. You have always been with me no matter what since diapers. You mean the world to me. You are the only person that knows everything about me and really gets me by. I'm sorry to say, but this is the last time I will talk to you. I am so sorry, but I just can't live like this anymore. I'm too unhappy. Too many people hate me, I know you don't. I just wanted to say, I love you so much my baby girl. I love you so so so so much you don't even know. I love you best friend. God gave everyone a reason to live, except me. Goodbye." I started balling and I ran in my moms room to tell her. She didn't know what to do, so she told me everything would be okay. I tried calling my friend 5 times but her phone was off. I cried all the way to swim practice, swam for a little. I had to stop and get out because I was so disturbed and shook by this whole thing, for I didn't know if my best friend was dead or not. After practice I still cried and I couldn't stop shaking. I kept calling her, but no answer. My mom made me go to school, only because she wanted me to go and see if the girl was at school. I got there and no sign of her. I ask her two closest friends and they said she wasn't at school. I started balling again, and my mom texted me, telling me to tell the guidance counselor. I ran to him and read him and my dean the message she sent me. I was balling and he decided to call her house and tell her mom. Her mom said she was fine, and at home with a stomach virus. I was so relieved, but confused. Later, the girl texted me, cussing at my and yelling at me and asking why I told people. She got mad at me for trying to help her. She got mad at me for trying to save her life and get her help. That's when I realized she really had problems. What you did to me, was so wrong. You changed my life forever. I can't believe you. You sent me your suicide letter, and then after you let me have an emotional break down because I thought you were dead, you f*ing texted me, getting all mad because I told my mom so she could get help. You f*ing got mad at me for trying to save your god damn life. I told my mom, so she could contact the counselor so we could get you help, because that's what you need. To do the sick thing you did to me. You messed up my mind and my emotions. I had a f*ing break down because you sent me your suicide letter, telling me you were going to be gone before today. Later on, you get mad at me for telling my mom, only to get help for you, and you said I was being a bad friend by telling people? The only f*ing person I told was my mom. I cared about you, I wanted you to live. I wasn't just going to sit there and say goodbye back. I was going to do all I could to make sure you were alive and safe. So all you do is get mad at me. Get mad at me, and me only because I'm the only one you told. That means if I were the one to send you the message, you would just sit there and say goodbye back? I would hope you would try to get help, as I did for you. I can't believe you. We've had our lows, but you've never been this low. You went too far, and damaged me. You can say all you want to me, but I refuse to ever be friends with you again. I refuse to apologize, because I know in my heart, that what I did for you, was right. Maybe one day, when you get married and have kids, you'll realize how good of a friend I actually was to do this, and try to save you. Our friendship ends now, and don't come begging for forgiveness, because I'm one person that you will never get it from again. I pretty much cut off all connections with her. My dean told me how proud she was of me to try to get help like that. She said I did the right thing. After all this, I realized something really important. What my coach had said to me "Your only your strongest, when you are your weakest." made sense. That statement that he said over a year ago popped in my head all the sudden because it had turned into reality for me. I was my strongest when I should have been my weakest, but I didn't give up. It all made sense.

You saw me, helping the girl with autism during P.E. You and your little ‘possy’  walked by us, whispering and laughing at us. When I stood up and looked at you, you rolled your eyes at me and walked away laughing. Thank god, she doesn’t know what you were laughing about, because if she did, I know for a fact that she would be as heart broken as I was. How could you be so cruel? I hope you know that she is the sweetest girl I’ve ever met. She’s bright, creative, optimistic, beautiful and helps people that are sad. She’s such an amazing girl, it even hurts me when she wants to be ‘partners’ with you and not me, because I see the disgust in your eyes when she talk to you. I pitty the fool that falls in love with you, because they won’t ever know the real side of you. Why can’t you be mean to me instead of her? She doesn’t deserve it, she has never done a thing wrong. Julia, I love you baby, you are such a sweet, beautiful girl. Don’t ever let anyone hurt you.

One day, I want an invisible ink pen. That way, I can write my six billion secrets on my bedroom walls. I know they are there, but nobody else does. I think you need a black light to see invisible ink, and it's not like anyone is going to put black lights in my ceiling fan. I've been to blackout parties before. I also want an invisible ink tattoo. One that reads out "Hope" in small cursive on my right wrist. Many people think tattoos are trashy or gross, but not for my reasoning of wanting an invisible one. It wold give me hope and remind me of who I am. As soon as I can drive, I'm going to get one.

I was sitting out in P.E. today, because of my back. The teachers make us do working packets during P.E. to make up for the class missed. My teacher has hinted that I'm bullied and go to the locker room to cry and write sometimes. I've been caught doing it. Today he handed me a packet about writing and how it helps reduce emotional stress. Personally, I think it's him trying to tell me something without fully coming out and saying it, or maybe it's because it's just the packet he picked up. I think he did it on purpose, but he doesn't realize that I'm already a writer and always have been. I realized that on my own too. That's why I'm taking creative writing and journalism in high school and college. It's my passion, and I could write all day long every day if I was allowed to. It just takes me out of reality and I forget about everyone and everything. Nobody would ever guess what I do by looking at me. That's why you can't judge a book by it's cover.

-Cutting
-Schizophrenia
-Anorexia
-delusional
-hallucionations
-creativity
-problematic
-bi polar
-perfect
-caring
-optimistic
-curious
-lost
-confused
All these words have to do with my life, and all of them make who I am today. I'm not perfect because there is no such thing as perfect, but I love who I am and I would never change anything about myself. That's how every person, teen and child should feel about them. If you don't, you should know that you are never alone. Hope is a reachable dream and there are people out there who care. I love you, every single one you you.