As my eyes welled up for the billionth time today, I gulped, not being able to hold back my emotions any longer. I couldn’t take it anymore. Tears were streaming down my face as I said the words

“no, no, no,”

over and over again while concentrating on not losing it completely.

I caressed her hollow empty body with tears in my eyes. I couldn’t look at her anymore. With her crimson mouth and her faded green eyes, any person would think that this cat looked horrific, but to me, she was still my beautiful Coco, still my best friend, but at the same time, still the cat that was close to losing her life.

Two days ago mom had said

“Esther I’m sorry, but I think that you’ll have to let go.”

I snickered at the thought.

“I have everything I need. Whatever I have to lose must not be that important.”

Her eyes flared, and I could see that whatever the “thing” was, was very important to her, and she thought that it would be very important to me too.

“Fine. Whatever. Mom what is it?”

“It’s Coco.” My smirk immediately disappeared, and my face fell. I got up slowly from my desk and went to the couch where Coco was when I first came home.

“Esther...don’t.” Mom called after me. “I don’t think you’re ready.” But it was already too late. I dropped to my knees and cradled her limp head in my arms.

“Oh Coco.” I whispered. “Where are you?”

“Is she dead?” I asked mom, my tear stained cheeks making me look vulnerable, and weak.

“No she’s sleeping. Her right kidney has failed.”

I gently pulled Coco closer towards my chest and felt our hearts beating together, making a perfect harmony. As I listened silently to our hearts creating this angelic music, the truth dawned on me like the bright sun shining its golden rays of light onto my face. My oldest friend, the cat who watched me as a baby, played with me, looked after me, was about to meet her life’s end.

“Shh, shh,” I whispered in her delicate and perfectly shaped ear blocking out the noise from the rest of the world and whatever mom was saying at that moment. I rocked her slowly right, left, right, left, right, left, while my salty tears ran down my nose and exploded on Coco’s soft and velvety fur. I couldn’t bear to look at her anymore. The warm thick blood staining her mouth and teeth and her eyes, oh her beautiful eyes, losing colour to every breath that she took. I pulled her closer yet and fell asleep. I wanted to be asleep more than anything.  Asleep so that I couldn’t see anything. Asleep so that I would wake up in a different world. Asleep so that I could disappear and fly away like a beautiful hummingbird; away from all the suffering that Coco was enduring. When I slept, I had constant flashbacks, all of them involving Coco. There were so many memories coming back to me, some I had forgotten already.

“Esther… Esther wake up!” Mom whispered as softly as possible in my ear. Coco opened her mouth but couldn’t make a sound. Instead she placed her paw on my hand and started moving around.

“Coco” I breathed, the upper part of my body shooting up. I was moving so fast that everything around me was blurred and I couldn’t see properly. When I looked down I saw Coco lying on my lap and  I let go of a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding.

“Give Sarah a turn to hold Coco” Mom said sternly looking me right in the eye.

“Can I please have a bit more time?”

“You’ve been doing so for an hour and a half already!” Mom said, frowning at me. “Please give Sarah a turn!”

“Now run along it’s time for Sarah to say her goodbyes to Coco as well.”

I sighed while wrapping the pink, fluffy blanket that held Coco in place around her. Left, right, left, right again and again until her face was hidden from view. Then, I lifted her ever so slightly off my lap before placing her softly onto Sarah’s lap. As the winter frost crept up my leg, I felt a chill run down my spine.The only place that remained warm was my face, where my hot salty tears had been a few minutes ago.

“Please Coco, don’t leave.” I whispered.

An hour later, Coco was back in my lap. I looked down at her and found that she was staring at me. I could see life and death, friendship and love, hatred, anger, sadness and jealousy. All those memories hit me like a thousand waves and it took all of my strength to not break down into heaving sobs. I knew it was time. She looked as if she was grimacing. I didn’t know what to say, so instead I just stroked her. Her fur was jagged and unkempt from lack of bathing and brushing over the last few days, but to me, I knew that this was going to be the last time I ever felt this beautiful fur heaving up and down with every breath that she took. This was going to be the last time I touched her alive, so before I lost myself in grief, I said,

“Coco, it’s alright you can go now.” I felt Coco wanted to make sure that I was okay without her.

“Don’t worry about me.” I whispered.

“I don’t want you to suffer anymore.” I said, my voice breaking.

Salty tears washed my face until I couldn’t see anymore. Although I couldn’t see, I could still feel, and all I could feel was her slim body going limp in my lap. I could feel no strength in her body, but worst of all I couldn’t feel her lungs moving with the jagged breaths that I had felt a minute ago.

As I watched fat raindrops racing each other down the window, I tried my best not to think about what was going to happen next. All the same, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the fluffy blanket that she was wrapped in. I knew she was still in there, and that she would still be with me. What I knew for certain though, was that even though I might not be able to physically reach her again, I knew that spiritually our souls were connected from the moment that both of us had opened our eyes for the first time together. I vowed never to forget her. She would always be my best friend;  the cat that looked after me as a baby, the cat that was always there for me when I was having a rough time, or times when I needed to cuddle with someone who loved me and cared for me.

Our love for each other has never changed. The pain I feel right now is unbearable but all I know is that she’s still with me, although she can’t cuddle up next to me while I’m reading a book. She still owns a piece of my heart and that piece will always be hers. No one can ever take her away from me.