“El, wake up…wake up.” I felt two cold, soft lips brush across my cheek, tingling them. I slowly pried my eyes open and blinked a few times. I looked around the room trying to recall where I was. Soon enough, I realized, for my conscious slowly started to come back to me. I had recognized the dingy, old cupboard, the almost-empty closet, and the lifeless, stained window next to the bed. “Hey there, Sleeping Beauty.” Charlie’s words echoed in my ears. I remained silent. I quietly turned my head to the window, directing my attention at the lonely sky. I wonder how it’s like to live there, I thought to myself. I could barely make any movement, for I felt strapped down to the bed; no where to go. Beside me, Charlie pulled out another swisher, lit it, and took a long drag. He exhaled and the smoke gracefully glided into the air, resembling what looked like a jellyfish. I continued to gaze out the window, completely lifeless and speechless, wondering what has become of my life that was once packed with morals. Charlie stared at the ceiling, the blunt perfectly balanced between his round lips. He turned to me, handing me the skinny brown stick filled with pungent weed. I stared at it in his hand for a second, and then reached for it. I returned my gaze to the window. The weed burned the back of my throat and fogged my nostrils as soon as I inhaled. A warm tear escaped the corner of my eye and slid down my cheek. “Here”, Charlie whispered against my ear. I looked over at him to see three tiny purple pills in his palm. I raised my eyebrow. “What are those?” I whispered back, my breath still smelling of the strong, lingering weed. “LSD.” He replied. I stared at the round shinny pills. A little white butterfly was engraved in the middle of each of them. I shook my head. “No Charles. I’m not taking any more drugs. This is as far as I’m gunna go.” Charlie cocked his head. “What? You haven’t tried LSD before! All you do is smoke weed and eat shrooms.” “…And that’s all I’m ever gunna take.” “C’mon El! Just try one. Please? Do it for me.” He pouted his face. “No! LSD burns holes through your brain! It’s too risky. I don’t want you to screw your life up with these drugs. LSD can kill you!” “You don’t have to worry bout that, baby. Just try it with me, just this once?” “I said NO Charles.” “You f*in’ suck. You’re good for nothing now.” Charlie’s words stung my heart. “I don’t know why I even bother with you anymore.” Charlie reached over the bed and grabbed an unopened bottle of tequila sitting on the cupboard. He unscrewed the cap with his teeth, and the cap flew off and landed across the room with a loud pop. Charlie stared at the three pills in his hand, took a deep breath, and threw them in his mouth. “What the hell are you doing Charles? Don’t take all three at once!” My eyes bulged out of my sockets. I could feel my blood pressure rising. “Shut up. If you don’t wanna do it, I WILL.” Charles gripped the bottle of tequila and chugged the whole thing down. I vigorously shook my head. “Why would you do that? If you have a bad trip, I won’t be able to save you.” He grumbled under his breath. “Shut up, shut up, shut up, I don’t wanna hear it. Your voice is irritating the s*** outta me right now.” He buried his head under his pillow. Like a dummy, I just sat right next to him, completely dumb founded. I was physically exhausted, and emotionally drained. I just sat there, gazing out that lonely, stained window, wondering how my life spindled out of control. “Mmmmmmmmmmm….” Charlie grumbled against his pillow. His hand rested against the soft flesh of my left thigh. A couple of minutes past, and I began to notice the warmth in his hand deteriorate. I reached over and caressed his palm. It was cold, rough, and frigid. I hope he doesn’t overdose… “No, that won’t happen.” I whispered to myself. I sighed. More minutes passed, and I numbly stayed glued to that spot next to Charlie, who was now passed out. What have I gotten myself into? Everything is spiraling outta control. My head was spinning like I was riding a Mary-go-around. “Something’s gotta’ give.” I reached over to the corner of the bed where Charlie’s green buttoned-flannel shirt was laying. Sliding my arms through the loose sleeves, I got up from the bed and tip-toed out the room. Turning the corner, I spotted the bathroom. I switched on the light, closed the door, and sat on the toilet seat. The bathroom was also cold and lifeless as every room in Charlie’s house; no sign of life or decoration; colorless. No wonder he always insisted that I came over after school, it was convenient and we could have our rendezvous without any interruptions. My emotions were all in a bunch; endless thoughts zoomed through my mind simultaneously giving me an instant headache. I curled up in a little huddle on top of the toilet, scrunching myself up and clutching on to my legs. I was no longer in control of my life. The moment I had met Charlie freshmen year, I knew what I was getting myself into. All the drugs, the partying, the spontaneous hook-ups were all so inviting to me in the beginning. To top it all off, I had fell in love with him the first time I met him at a party one weekend night…

On Halloween night, the word around school was that a group of well-known guys on the school’s Varsity Soccer Team were throwing a huge “Halloween Bash”. Jayden Clemmings, Ashton Brown, and Aaron Sanchez were throwing a huge party at one of their houses, and all of Milton High was invited. As much as I hated being apart of the whole popular-I-think-I’m-the-s***-because-everyone-loves-me-scene, the party was hard to avoid. On the other hand, my close friend, Kasey Westwood, was extremely excited to be apart of the scene

“Hey Elle, we should definitely hit up Jayden and Aaron’s party tonight.” I was quietly eating an apple in the school’s cafeteria during my lunch period when she waltzes up to me. “Hell no. You know I absolutely despise those types of scenes.” Kasey plopped down in a seat across the table. “Oh c’mon Elle, this is a good opportunity to meet new people and socialize!” When I heard this, a chunk of my apple slid down and lodged itself in the wrong tube. I grasped my throat with both of my hands and went into a coughing frenzy.

“What the f*** Kase!” I pounded my chest with my fist like a wild gorilla. “Socialize Kase? Socialize? Who do you think I am? You already know that’s not my fortay. I’d rather spend my time playing hop-scotch at night, blind-folded in my birthday suit, than partake in a dumb-ass party ‘socializing’ with a bunch of steroid-taking, meat-head, soccer-playing yahoos.” Kasey rolled her eyes. “Oh please, save your damn vocals for the fat lady. I would really like you to come with me, I’m hoping to leave the party with my goal accomplished.”

I raised my eyebrow and cocked my head to the side. “…Which would be…?” Kasey grinned wide from cheek to cheek. “…To hook up with Jayden Clemmings.” I spit out a huge chunk of my apple and burst into laugher. “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, good luck with that!” I clutched my waist, trying to control my laugher. Kasey furrowed her perfectly arched, blonde eyebrows. “You think it’s a joke, huh? Well, watch me.” I clutched my sides tighter and continued laughing frantically. “Yeah, alright Kasey; whatever you say love-bug.”

Kasey let out a soft chuckle. “So it’s a deal. You’re coming with me.” I sat up and glared at my best friend. “The hell I’m not!” As serious I sounded, my words didn’t go through to her, for before I knew it, I found myself approaching Jayden’s huge mansion with Kasey right next to me, grinning with triumph. As we approached the steps, my enthusiasm evaporated into the midnight October sky. “I so hate you right now”, I grumbled under my breath. “I love you too, Elle.” Kasey flashed me one of her pearly-white, beautiful smiles.

Kasey rung the door bell, and we stood waiting for minutes on end. All of sudden, the gigantic glass chandelier door swung open. Jayden Clemmings appeared in the door way, flashing us a flawless dimple-smile. “Yoo, welcome to my crib cuties! Let’s get s*** crackkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiin’!” Kasey clapped her hands excitedly like a little toddler in a candy store. I just grunted at them both in response and stepped inside.

The party was insanely packed. Students and non-students crowed every inch of Jayden’s living room. Loud annoying rap blared from his surround-sound stereo. I shielded my ears in reaction. I glanced around the room to try and locate a chill spot, but it was no use. All of the coutches and chairs were all being occupied by drunken athletes hooking up with adolescent girls. My gag reflexes kicked in at just the sight of the scene.

“Kase, we should go—” I blurted to no one in particular, for I turned around and realized Kasey had disappeared into the crowd. “I should’ve known she’d do that.” I grumbled to myself. I worked my way through the crowed mansion, trying to find a bathroom. I knocked, ran over, and bone-rushed anyone who had got in my way. I was highly irritated and tired; I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I quickly shimmied down a flight out stairs leading to a huge basement. I could barely breathe because the basement reeked of cigarettes and hookah.

Spotting a door leading to the backyard, I pushed past students crowding around a huge table busying indulging themselves in hookah and beer pong. As soon as I stepped onto the backyard patio, I frantically gasped for air. “Holy s***. I’m NOT going back in there again, screw Kasey.” Outside, the fall crisp wind swayed, making the trees in Jayden’s backyard dance back and forth. I silently watched them as I tried to catch my breath.

“Are you straight? You look like you’ve seen a ghost or some s***.” I turned around to find a tall, lean, handsome guy grinning at me. I could feel butterflies flutter inside my stomach. “Um, yeah. I’m better now.” I tried so hard to keep my cool and act natural, but I couldn’t because this guy was throwing me off my game without even saying anything. “Well, that’s good to hear. I’m too blasted to do CPR on anyone at the moment.” The mysterious guy grinned some more, making my insides churn. I chuckled softly. “Naw, I’m good. It’s too crowded in there. I literally felt I was gunna pass out.” The guy nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah, I feel you. That’s why I’m posted out here. I’m Charlie by the way.” I glanced into his shinny hazel eyes.

“I’m Eliana. But just call me Elle.” Charlie stuck his hand out. “Nice to fuckin’ meet you Elle.” I slowly shook his hand. The touch of his hand caused electrical shocks through my whole body. The butterflies in my stomach increased its flutter. “Nice to meet you too.” I just dumbly stared at him, trying hard not to be so obvious; obviously I was sadly failing. Charlie reached into the pocket of his flannel green and black checkered shirt and took out a swisher. I watched him slip it between his perfectly shaped lips, take out a lighter, and lit his blunt with one hand. Closing his eyes, he slightly tilted his head backwards, inhaled, and then exhaled, the smoke gracefully gliding into the midnight air.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen something so beautiful and enticing ever before in my seventeen years of living. My heart fluttered uncontrollably and I could feel my palms clamming up. That was the moment I had realized I fell in love with Charlie. His auburn brown hair freely blew in the whistling wind, slightly covering his eyes. My gaze always stopped as his physique: his body perfectly balanced between muscular and thin. He stood shy of six feet tall. I was amazed on how he looked so carefree and surreal standing there smoking, his flannel shirt also swaying with the wind. I could feel myself drooling.

“want some?” Charlie handed me the lit swisher. I knew it was against my beliefs to smoke weed, but I didn’t fight with him over it. I figured if I ever wanted to get close to this guy, I would do whatever it took. With that thought in mind, I hesitantly took the blunt from his hand and stared at it for a second. Here goes nothing… I inhaled, taking in the smoke for the first time. The weed attacked my throat, burning my nostrils. Before I knew it, I was dramatically coughing, trying to catch my breath. Charlie suppressed a hearty laugh. “You’re so cute.”

Unable to respond, I just shook my head, clutching my chest. “I can already tell we’re gunna get along perfectly.” Figures I thought.
“So who did you come with?” Charlie contested.
“My friend Kasey.” I responded, still gasping for air.
“Oh, okay. Cool.”
“Yeah, are you friends with Jayden and his crew?”
“Not really. We’re more like acquaintances. I supply his weed, he hooks me up with his parties.”
“Oh, I see. You don’t look like one of them.”
“You’re right.” Silence. After that, we just stood there, looking up at the starry sky. The sky was twinkling with stars, and the full moon glistened above us. “Hey, what do you say we get out of here? This party is getting boring to me now.” Surprised and taken off guard, I looked into Charlie’s beautiful eyes. “Are you serious?” I protested. “Yeah. You seem like a chill girl. I’ve never chilled with a laid-back, beautiful girl like you before.” I could feel my ears overheating and turning red. “Okay.” Charlie flicked the leftover stubs of his blunt on the floor and smashed it with his timberland boot. “Iight, let’s dip.” Lacing his fingers through mine, he took the lead, running off Jayden’s crowded lawn and down the empty street. The wind blew, causing my eyes to water.

“Where are we going?” I tried to yell above the sound of the wind. “My place”, Charlie yelled without looking back. I remember that night so vividly; especially when we were running through the neighborhood, hand in hand, nothing but the streetlights as our guidance. I was clearly aware that I had just met Charlie that night, and that I was ignorant to his lifestyle and perception of the world. All I knew was that infatuation had already taken its course, and Charlie’s presence was impossible to avoid. I guess one could say I just simply had fallen in love.

I buried my head in my knees and held myself tighter. Tears descended unto the cold dirty tiled floor of Charlie’s bathroom. Everything in my life had sky-rocketed downward. The Charlie that I knew and fell in love with in the beginning had slowly begun to change. He faithfully started drinking and smoking more, even started taking ecstasy and acid. I did all I could to keep him away from a path of destruction. The more I tried to restrict him from the drugs and alcohol, the more frustrated he became, getting into verbal and physical fights with me in the process. Tears blurred my vision and crashed onto the toilet seat. For a while I tried my hardest to bottle up my emotions when it came to Charlie, but this time…I couldn’t any longer. My nose began to run, and my mascara dripped down the sides of my cheeks. I just sat there in that cramped, cold, lonely, lifeless bathroom, and allowed my emotions to take over. “No, no, no, NO!” I shouted. On the corner of the sink, there was a miniature snow globe glistening in the mirror’s reflection. My whimpering and crying halted as the shinny globe held my attention. Letting my mind go zoom through a frenzy of thoughts and memories of me and Charlie, rage seeped through my veins. I didn’t want to be apart of Charlie’s equation any more. As much as I loved him to death, I refused to allow him take control of my life. I still had a lot to offer the world; I determined my destiny. It broke my heart to know that Charlie was only holding me back when it came to working towards my dreams and goals, but…so be it. These thoughts made my blood boil and my breathing become irregular. It all happened so fast; I grabbed the snow globe in one swoop and chucked it into the hallway outside the bathroom. The globe broke into many miniscule tiny pieces, and the glitter stained the wooden-paneled floor. I triumphly gasped for breath, strands of my hair escaped my weak ponytail and crowed my face. “What the f*** are you doing?” Charlie shouted from his room, followed by a loud grunt. Stepping over the broken shards of glass, I headed straight towards his room. I stopped right at the foot of Charlie’s bed. “I’m so sick of this, Charles. This isn’t how I thought our relationship would turn out. You drain all of my f*in’ energy, and I won’t deal with your bullshit anymore. You’re slowly killing me inside.” Charlie remained silent. He was lying on his back, his arm covering his face. I anxiously waited for a response, but didn’t get any. “Charlie…Charlie…CHARLIE!” He grumbled. “SHUT THE HELL UP WOMAN, YOU’RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!” His voice boomed once again, rattling my soul. More tears streamed down my face, harder this time. “You know what, f*** you Charles. I’m done. Have a nice life.” I had reached my emotional limit. I deserved better than this; better than him. It’s sad to know how long it took for me to realize the truth. I guess I knew from the start what I was getting myself into, but I had labeled the experience as a one of a kind love to feel. If only I had knew better… I frantically reached for my jeans and t-shirt that had been scattered on the floor during our intense session hours before. “Wait…don’t go, Elle. Stay with me.” Charlie whispered. Tears soaked my shirt as I rushed to slip into my shoes. “Eliana…stay with me…please.” It took all of me to ignore these words for I knew they always had a hold on me in the past. No matter how intense our fights were, how heart shattering his harsh words were, I could never stay mad at him. He knew just what to say to keep me around; keep me trapped. I grabbed my coat and keys that were laying on top of his cupboard right next to his bottle of tequila. “Baby…don’t go. Please…I love you. No matter what, you know I’ll always love you; you know that.” By now, tears were streaming down my face and crashing unto the floor like raindrops. Grabbing my bag, I headed towards the door. On my way to the door, my leg felt stiff and trapped as if something was holding it back. When I turned around, I found Charlie clutching my leg like he was holding on to his dear life. He was barely hanging off the side of the bed. “Don’t leave me Elle. I don’t know what I’d do without you…I love you…” He looked into my eyes, his blood-shot eyes were glazed over and glaring with vulnerability. I yanked my leg out from his reach and turned my back on him which caused his to lose his balance and topple to the hard-wood floor. I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. “Goodbye Charles.” Without turning back, I walked straight out that door and out into the dark night. The November cold stung my cheeks instantly. Zipping my jacket all the way up to my neck, I exhaled. The frigid, pre-winter cold made my teeth chatter. “Good bye Charles”, I whispered under my breath one last time. Motivated to get home, I scurried down the deserted street and didn’t stop until I had arrived home. Seconds after I had finally arrived at my apartment, I headed straight for my bed where I dozed off with my jacket and shoes on. That same night, I fell into a deep slumber, having the most vivid dream during the process. It was on a hot summer day and the sun was out and beautifully shinning over the lively Cleveland, Ohio City. It was during the afternoon that Charlie and I were laying on the beach, hand in hand, gazing out into the ocean’s horizon. Surprisingly, the beach was deserted, but made the moment more relaxing and special. I was laying my head on Charlie’s chest, hearing the melodic rhythm of his heartbeat. “This feels so good.” I whispered. “Mmmhmmm.” Charlie responded. He cradled me with his body and warmth, his presence causing me to melt into bliss. The hot summer breeze blowing in my face, moving strands of sweaty hair off my eyes, my feet were buried in the humid sand. Charlie gave me light kisses on my forehead as I drifted in and out of consciousness, the ecstasy already flowing through my veins like a virus. “I don’t ever want to move…” I slowly blurted, too weak to even communicate my words. Charlie responded by planting a kiss on my eyelid; his lips soft and gentle. Grasping me tighter, Charlie reached into the pocket of his cream colored shorts and pulled out a swisher. Lighting it, he tilted his head back and took a soulful long inhale, the smoke slowly rising out his mouth. “I think I’m falling in love with you, Elle”, he whispered in my ear. Too inhibited by the drugs flowing through my body, I just slightly smiled and shook me head. “Me…too…” Suddenly, I sat up in my bed. My cell phone was ringing off the hook on my desk right next to my bed. Determined to shut my ring tone off, I knocked over my lamp trying to locate my phone. Finally feeling the familiar round device, I put it to my ear. “Hello?” I answered my voice raspy and dry. “Hi Elle, it’s me, Kase.” I sighed with relief. “Oh, hey. What’s going on? Are you alright?” I looked at my digital clock on my dresser; it was four-thirty in the morning. What the hell? Who calls at the time? I was confused and disturbed out of my mind. “Yeah, I’m alright…but I don’t think you will be.” “wh-what? What are you talking about, Kase?” There was silence on her side of the phone. “Tell me! What’s going on?” Confusion blended in with my voice. “Well…I just got a call from Jayden. He said he just got off the phone with Charlie’s parents…” “…And so? What’s wrong with Charlie’s parents?” “…It isn’t his parents, Elle. It’s Charlie…” “What happened with Charlie?! Tell me!!” “…Jayden said he spoke with Charlie’s mother. She told him that she came home about two hours ago…she walked in his room to check on him…she said she…” “…She what? Spit it out Kase!” My heart was beating uncontrollably. I tried my best to stay calm, but failed. “…She said when she walked in his room…she found Charlie lying in his bed…he wasn’t breathing…” “What are you trying to say Kase?” “…Charlie’s dead, Elle. He overdosed on ecstasy and LSD…his mother found an empty bottle of liquor by his bed and a zip-lock-bag containing purple pills…” “No…no…no…” My cell slipped through my fingers and fell on the floor. I sat there in complete darkness, my lungs going into overtime trying to supply oxygen. There; in my room, I lay wide awake; the darkness swallowed me whole as I slipped into a deep slumber of unavoidable self-annihilation.