…

It would happen almost weekly to the point I started thinking it was normal - I would still wait at the door and cover my sibling's ears but I kinda started to think it was whatever - we got a house the next year in the middle of nowhere. It was a one-floor house with a basement and an attic; when I walked in for the first time it smelt nice and calming. The air was flowy and it felt fresh and new, a place that actually feels like home. Until the fight started going on again and more…after that first fight there the house started feeling more and more like it wasn't home. Anytime I walked in it made me feel sick and uncomfortable. After that first couple  of fights for about a year, I started seeing my father drink. He would come home every day late. I used to get so excited to see my dad because I barely would, I would give him a big hug and he would kiss me on the forehead- it felt so nice and comforting after not seeing him all day. At first, he would either smell like food or cologne and toothpaste. Then - I guess he started forgetting he had kids- he would come home smelling like cigarettes or sometimes even alcohol. When he smelled like alcohol that's when you knew there was going to be a fight and harsh words coming out of my parent's mouth- before it was unpredictable but now it started getting more and more predictable. He would come home after work and hug me but when he did it didn't feel like it usually does - nice, warm, comforting, dad… - no it felt forced cold like my whole body was suffering like I could feel the anger he had built up I could feel his sadness it hurt a lot. It felt like he was bringing me into his sadness like I was being consumed by it, and when he kissed my forehead I felt gross and dirty like I needed to take a shower. When my life flipped was when I saw it. I saw this monster raging in my father, someone, no something. I didn't know what it was.

 After New Year's we came home, I went to my room and 10 minutes later I heard my mom and father arguing. I stayed in my room and the lights turned off the TV staring into my soul. I got up with my sweatpants and a baggy shirt and plopped down next to my door. Waiting just waiting for something to happen but I knew I wouldn't do anything, that's how it usually goes- I sit at the door and do nothing even when I hear it gets bad I do nothing. I always hated myself for that, but today was different. It went on like how it usually does argue then slam. I heard the table go to the floor. I heard him hit the TV and then say “ Alicia calmate!” “ Callate!” I started covering my ears. His voice was overpowering. It was scary and straight. It sounded like no matter what you said his opinion would stay the same as when a little kid thinks they're right. The air started feeling tight and suffocating; I had no idea what to do. I was so scared, but then I heard another loud bang and a voice saying” Amor calmate” Amor "Amor..” On and on it was shaky and sounded like she had a lump in her throat like she had more to say but couldn't say it. Till I heard the front door open I got scared- I thought something would happen to my mom and if anything did. That would be the last time I would ever consider my father my father.

 My mom makes me happy, she's my everything. She is so funny and sarcastic and makes the best food ever. She didn't deserve that piece of crap I call dad. She really didn't. I went over to the door and saw my mom and dad fighting. Then I saw him grab her throat and tell her “ Callate Alicia” one more time in the same Spanish tone. Her face drenched with tears. It looked like she gave up like if that was the end it was going to be the end. She didn't even try to push him away; she just let him. I was pissed in my head and I was thinking” Why, why is she just standing there”. I pushed him out of the way, I tried to tell him to stop and not put his hands on my mom but the words were gone. I felt like a baby trying to talk to his mother just sounds. I couldn't even speak, the words were all bundled up and it felt like a lump was in my throat every time I tried to talk. It hurt so bad. All the words were stuck in my throat but it looked like it didn't even matter because he then started coming towards me like a wild animal. My mom pulled him back and finally with all the strength she had she let go and he went out to the driveway- filled with two cars. With all his anger he let loose on both cars punching the first silver kia then punching a big black Expedition, causing a dent in both cars. Then before he could walk back my mom told me to go to the room. Without a second thought, I walked back to my room pissed without thinking what I was gonna do next.

I went into my junk drawer to find something `1- just something- that could possibly distract myself from the thoughts, emotions, and whatever I just witnessed. Then I saw it, a silver shiny pocket knife that looked like treasure. I was so enraged I grabbed it and started taking all my anger out on my skin. The feeling was so different and so relaxing it felt new. It made all the thoughts and emotions go silent. I was there sitting on the floor with drops dripping out my arm. Sitting there with one leg straight the other up so if you looked to the side I made a triangle. Staring off to space clenching on the pocket knife with all my strength then letting it slide out of my hand.Just there everything went quiet I felt emotionless like nothing mattered, it felt so unreal. I remember wiping the blood away and flushing away the evidence so my mom wouldn't ask” What is that?” or “ What did you do?”. 

The next day, the day felt so off the feeling of me and my parents having to act like everything was so normal felt fake. It's a feeling I had to get used to as it continuously happened day after day 

 The worst part was no one knew only my household members. The rule was whatever goes on in the house stays in the house. That was the rule even at a young age. It Was The Rule. Whatever Goes On Inside This House Stays In This House. The biggest rule of my life, the one that kept me from saying anything to anyone.

…

March 19 2022 St Patrick's Day, The day I was looking forward to my cousin's birthday she always had the best parties. We would either go to an arcade or a bouncy house or even just eat delicious food at my grandma's. The thing is I didn't know today was gonna be the day everything changed the day I saw, Not the day everyone saw who my father truly was. The day was full of emotion and different actions. The event was so triggering I can't even remember what happened before the incident, but I can remember what happened during the incident. I remember being all happy but seeing my father drink made all of it suck- I hate when he drinks- it made me not want to be there no more. I kept saying “Papa that's enough” but he ignored me and kept drinking. And drinking. Then my aunt's boyfriend - I always hated him because he had such a weird vibe to himself- gave my father an edible to make matters worse. Then at the end of the night, My aunt said” It's time to cut the cake everyone come down” in her happiest voice ever. As everyone went downstairs I forgot to grab my phone, while getting my phone I saw my dad holding my mom from the outside. You might think aww but no. I know she looked sad and she looked like she was about to cry and she was covering it. I asked “Mom what's wrong” She said in a shaky voice” Nothing mija go downstairs i'll be there in a minute” while my dad next to her gave me a snarky look. Like he was a villain in a Disney princess movie. I went close and moved them apart from each other and told them “C'mon let's go downstairs” trying to stay happy knowing deep down it was wrong. As my mom went downstairs it looked like she changed. She went from teary eyes and a red face to happy and putting on a smile with me and my father behind her. After she went down he stopped me and grabbed the back of my neck. I was shocked and scared. It felt like I was on my last breath.

 I could slowly feel his breath getting closer and closer as he whispered in my ear” Don't tell anyone, not your aunts and not your uncles”

 I was so scared I couldn't even talk I didn't even want to look at him I was mad and scared. Two emotions that don't go together.

 I stayed there still like I've just been shot as he said” You think this is funny you think this is funny its only the start” he shoved me to the side and said go downstairs as he started walking back upstairs. Right before I stepped on the last step to go to the basement I took a deep breath and tried to relax myself. But I couldn't do it in time because then my aunt saw my face and from a smile, her face looked concerned and worried. She walked up to me and with one hand on my back she asked

” What's wrong”, still teary eyes and choked up. I couldn't even say anything. I kept nodding my head no - nothing was wrong. The words wouldn't come out, then she kept asking and asking and pressuring and that rule of whatever goes on inside this house stays in this house was broken for the first time ever.

In a shaky voice, I said “ he... grabbed my neck..but don't tell anyone” 

As I begged and begged for her not to tell anyone I kept saying” But don't tell anyone I told you they gonna get mad” 

“Don't tell anyone please my dads gonna get mad” 

Over and over as she kept reassuring me i finally stopped i wiped my tears. Then my aunt said everything okay there together on the couch it's okay- but I knew it wasn't okay. I kept telling her it's not okay. For her to go upstairs. For her to save my mom, but she didnt I was so scared and my aunt wasn't doing anything. I rushed upstairs and they were on the couch. His hand on my moms shoulder but something wasn't right. It didn't seem right, it looked like it was but something inside told me it wasn't. So I left it and went upstairs. A couple minutes later I heard my dad yelling and yelling and my grandpa telling him to calm down but he didn't. All the kids were told to stay upstairs. But after I saw him get dragged into the car I went downstairs. Then after catching a glimpse of what everyone was doing I sat on the floor, my back up against the couch zoned out. Ignoring my surroundings just thinking and thinking replying to the situation. I hated myself. I knew what was gonna happen next but I didn't do anything. I did nothing. I kept hearing people talk and mumbled but I couldn't make out what they were actually saying and when I took a peek outside again I saw my grandparent, aunt and my aunt's boyfriend all trying to shove my father in the back seat of the car. Then I hear my other aunt say” Sergio”- my fathers name “ Just punched mona”- my aunt's name. As they all kept going and going trying to push my father in the car and him fighting back. They finally got him to stop and he left as my uncle took him home. I remember thinking if it was real or if this was a bad nightmare but now everyone saw the big secret was out. My father is an abusive beast who lets nothing get in his way and an alcoholic a villain. Everyone saw, you would think I would be relieved or happy that everyone knew but the thing that kept going in my head was

 “This only made matters worse”.

Ding. the notification on my phone lit up and I read the message.” I'm okay . I went to go home and check on your dad. Everything is okay. He's home and I'll be back soon” My heart dropped. I didn't care if he was okay or not. The only person I cared about was my mom. Then I looked outside and saw her silver KIA. I jumped out of bed with the same clothes from the night before and when I went downstairs I gave my mom the biggest hug ever. 

Then I asked “is everything okay” in a concerned tone. 

“ Yes mija im okay dont worry i was just helping your dad clean up”

 “ he made a mess with glass when we go back he's gonna need a hug”

 I gave her a smile and walked back upstairs but deep down i hated that- why should i give him a hug he didn't deserve one this is his fault if he didn't drink if he didn't take that edible if he didn't hold in his anger none of this would have happened. After eating delicious pancakes my mom said “ daughters cmon it's time to go” we packed our clothes and went home. The feeling of going back home was scary and made my stomach twist and turn. The smell was calming but the feeling was not. The window was plastic? It looked like it had replaced the front door too, I was thinking. Then as I slowly opened the door and peeked I saw glass on the floor, and the table in the living room was gone as well as the rug. Then i saw blood marks on the walls and on the floor i went into my room to put my stuff down and saw glass then walked up to my parent's room my mom waiting and signaling  me and my sister to go inside. It was dark with blankets covering the windows. The feeling was different; it felt like I was walking into a bare cave that I really didn't want to go into. I kept thinking “ I have to be the bigger person and show my sister.” They looked scared so I sucked it up and walked in. I stared at him for a few seconds as he looked up at me with his arms slowly opening for me to give him a hug i felt sick and i wanted to vomit but i held it in and gave him a hug- i was pissed but i had to be the bigger person- i felt gross and bleh but after  i heard his voice. It sounded sad like he was on the verge of tears 

``Im sorry im so sorry” over and over again. I just ignored him, saying sorry meant nothing to me. He's the reason sorry is just sorry. It doesn't have a true meaning. I kept thinking if he was really sorry he wouldn't have done it. If he really meant what he said the word sorry would feel real but coming from his mouth the word was just a word. I walked back in my room, shut the door and looked at the broken glass on the floor. The TV was gone and the glass from the TV was all over the floor. I went out to the living room and saw the cochin taken out of the couch with glass all over it. The glass in the kitchen, and blood coming from the living room and the bathroom to my uncle's room. The day after that my sister went to school and it was me, my dad, and my mom. There he kept saying sorry and how scared he was when he woke up in a pool of blood he didn't know what happened or what to do. Then after all the sorry through actions, I finally saw. He really did mean what he said.

As time went on I learned more than ever, life went on but it wasn't sad or full of fights. The argument stopped- for the most part. He quit drinking but my family didn't forgive and forget so quickly unlike me they hold that against him. They never or I thought would never but slowly my aunt did then my other now it's a matter of time before everyone forgives him. That night will forever haunt me but I've learned that everyone deserves a second chance. And my dad took that second chance and made it the best second chance of his life.